WHEN THE VERBAL ABUSER IS A WOMAN Simply put, although I've seen men change, I have never seen a woman transform from seriously verbally abusing her mate to treating him with empathy. The therapists I've talked with about this issue have not seen verbally abusive women change either
I laughed when I read this^^^^. Read this before and it is total BS. Big time BS. I have seen poeple change when many gave up on them. So don't give up on you. KG I bet that you don't abuse your boss? I bet that you don't behave like you do with your H in other interactions? Si if I am correct you can control this. Keep at it
KD I have seen people with bordeline personality disorder go through dialectical behavioral therapy and change. Hard to do but possible.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Where do we find these idiots who advise us with their 'expertise" but forget to manage their bias so much?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
maybe we should all write to the author and "share"...
oh brother...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I thank you all for your responses and I am right there with you.
I have (we all have) people in our lives that have proven to us that change IS possible.
That to me is the most beautiful thing about our imperfect nature as human beings - THAT WE CAN ALL CHANGE.
It is ironic to me, because I had read one of Patricia Evans' books and it was VERY helpful to me. She definitely knows a lot about what constitutes verbal abuse and is very good at identifying the behaviors - some of which I was guilty of doing in my marriage.
Having said that, it is so very sad and disturbing to me to see her clear gender bias. As an author and expert that speaks and reaches thousands of people - a lot of them who are vulnerable and looking for help, I believe she has a responsibility to what messages she sends out.
I don't know how long ago she wrote that book I quoted from, maybe her perspective has changed.
So I will give her the benefit of the doubt, just like I would have liked her to give it to me too.
AND, I am already starting to prove her wrong
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I think today I had my best day of this year (and I will venture to say also of last year.)
- Kids were with H, so I was able to sleep in until 8. Wohoo!
- Researched support groups for verbal abuse online. That was not so successful, BUT - I got fired up! Having someone tell me I cannot do something, gets me going.
- Had an amazing brunch at one of my favorite french cafe's and read this amazing book I just bought on how to understand and help your children go thru a S or D. (I read for 2 hrs straight!) I cried, I got inspired and fired up. I got new strength and tools to help my struggling kids. I love them so much!
- Weather was amazing - almost 80 at the beach and amazingly clear, so I went for a 1-hr. walk on the strand. (Sorry to everyone who is dealing with snow or bad weather in their neck of the woods...)
- My mom called. I usually ignore her calls (we have a very dysfunctional R. Long story, but suffice to say that it has been a source of a lot of my anger and issues.) Today, I took the call. She wanted to recommend a movie and then tried to get me to go see it today at all costs. I listened and made sure to be pleasant and actually thanked her for the recommend. Wished her a good day. No argument with her, wohoo!
- Texted my childhood friends (they live in my home country and we just started a texting group.) I have been making an effort to keep in touch with them and initiating contact and conversations. A 180 for me...
- Called my dad to say hi. He had gone to the movies (to the the movie that my mom insisted he saw.) I joked and told him next time he should invite me. Another 180 - I hardly ever call him just to talk to him or do things one on one with my dad. We made plans to go to the movies together this week.
- Went for 30 min. sunset jog at the beach. It was an AMAZING sunset due to the clear day.
- I listened to my ipod during my run. I had not been able to listen to music since H left. I LOVE music and it has always touched me deeply and I just couldn't get to listen to ANY kind of music w/o breaking down.
Tonight, I listened to all kinds - inspiring, sad, tranquil, anything that came on at random. I cried while I ran, but there was something between the sunset, exercising and the music that I felt GREAT!
I have started to get this feeling these past few weeks, but today, even for that short period of time, I had the CERTAINTY that I WILL BE OK WITH OR WITHOUT H. And I cannot describe the feeling... I am sure that I will probably not feel this way all the time, but I know the process had started for me and it is happening.
- Went to get dinner at a cafe with my computer, logged on and read online.
- Came home to wait for kids and H. Put kids to bed and sang to them and cuddled with each girl for 20 minutes and told them how much I loved them.
- Had a conversation with H that could have easily escalated into a bad argument. I diffused it many times. I remained calm. I listened and validated. I felt GOOD! Won't go into it in this post, cause this is not about him
- And finally, came to the boards to show support for a few in need and give back some of all the amazing help I have received.
How is that for a day???
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Awesome day!!!! I hope you can have more of them in the future!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
So glad to hear about your day! I've just caught up on your sitch and I commend you for not giving up and still going strong! You are a strong woman and you're getting stronger by the day.
Even though we 'know' that everything will be ok, with or without H, actually 'feeling' that is something completely different. It is a good feeling, it's very empowering. Even though I'm still fairly new to DB'ing and dealing with H's bomb and confusion, I have also gotten that 'feeling' that everything will be ok indeed. The world really does not stop for our pain and we need to move on. Obviously, it's best to do it for ourselves, but having kids is a great motivator and I think it helps us get on our feet quicker.
Your jog on the beach and the nice weather sound awesome! I can totally imagine myself doing that and feeling 'happy'! :-)
Sweet!!...That's called "growth and progress" and....and..wait for it...
"CHANGE!!!"
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"I have started to get this feeling these past few weeks, but today, even for that short period of time, I had the CERTAINTY that I WILL BE OK WITH OR WITHOUT H. And I cannot describe the feeling... I am sure that I will probably not feel this way all the time, but I know the process had started for me and it is happening."
i'm right there with you on that one!
glad you had a great day. it's so uplifting and encouraging when we are able to smile and be reminded.. oh.. there is life outside this miserable situation
i believe you can do anything you set your mind to if you are willing to put in the time and effort. and it is obvious that you are willing!!
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
