Quite a bit has happened since I posted on Saturday. H and I had more R talk that he brought up. I felt like it was my chance to let him know things that were on my mind. I kind of tossed DB'ing out of the window, though I didn't really lose it when we were talking, just occasional tearing up.
I really didn't mean to confront him about OW, but as we were talking, things lead to it and I let him know that I knew. H got angry for a moment - at me for "using 'his' friend against him" and at our friend for telling me things that only he knew. I told H that I already had a very strong gut feeling and friend just confirmed what I knew. I told him I didn't blame him and that despite all of that I still want to work through this. I think it took him by surprise, because he knows that the "old" me is not very forgiving. H seemed to have brushed OW off like it was nothing. I didn't ask anything more about OW, just that I knew and was willing to move on.
We talked a lot...I teared up a few times, but remained mostly calm. I don't even remember most of the stuff that was said. The next morning I took my time getting out of bed - first S4 and I watched some cartoons in bed, then S4 went to see H and I finished a movie I started the night before. H came in eventually and wanted to talk more. Then he got distracted and ended up coming on to me. I tried to tell him that it's not a good idea, but gave in and we ML (seriously, what's wrong with me). Afterwards he went back to wanting to "get out" of our M. I had some weak moments of reacting...ended up taking off my rings and putting them on the table and also took our wedding photos off the walls. I know, stupid me, couldn't control myself. H asked me what I am going to do. I told him that I'd be fine and figure things out and that he doesn't have to worry about me anymore. H said that he does have to worry about me, and I told him that if he walks, then he does not and I wouldn't be his responsibility anymore.
H wanted to have lunch with his mom to talk about his plans to move out. H told her that he hates it here and wants to move out. He said that the only thing holding him back is money. After lunch he went to hang out with a friend in a bar. I noticed that H took his wedding band off and left it at home.
I was watching a movie in bed when H came home. We exchanged a few casual words and he went on to sleep on the couch.
This morning when I got out of the shower he was sitting on our bed and it looked like he wanted to say something. I sat down next to him. H again asked what's there to save, I have my short speech - not a lecture, just my reasons of wanting to make it work. I told him that if he thinks the grass is greener on the other side, then he should go and find out for himself that it's not. If he thinks that running away from problems will make him happy, then he should find out for himself. And that I am not going to run away from problems, I am going to face them head on and I am going to come out a better and stronger person, with or without him. (H said that I run away from problems, that I shut down. Maybe it's a 180 for me for wanting to face the problems). H noticed that my rings were back on and he asked why. I told him that I wanted to put them back on. Then he asked what the real reason was, and I told him that I wasn't done with him yet.
H said he's going to look at studios and S4 can be with me full time and he'd come and visit whenever (his big thing at first was 50/50 split of S4). I told him that's fine, but he couldn't just come whenever. We could talk about a schedule and he'd have to let me know when he would come. H asked 'why?' I told him that it wouldn't be his home anymore and he would be visiting and would need to let me know ahead of time. H didn't answer to that.
Later in the bathroom as I was drying my hair he touched me on my back. I turned the dryer off and looked at him. H said (in a gentle voice) "I don't know how to love you anymore". All I could think of at that moment was "It takes to get back to that. Do you 'want' do love me? Do you want to be loved by me?" He just said "I don't know".
I know I could have handled the last couple of days much better, but I wanted to let him know a few things without pursuing him at the same time. I think H is still very confused. If he was "really" done, would he be questioning himself? I feel like he's getting closer to moving out. If he needs to really leave the house and be "by himself" to realize that it won't bring him happiness, then so be it. I told him that I don't want him to go, but I'm not going to keep him from going either. He needs to make that decision himself.
