My xh is somewhat older than yours, I believe, and the PA came on more gradually, as he failed to address his childhood/teenage issues.
So I would say that the first 10 years of my marriage contained little noticeable PA behaviour. For my XH it was classic MLC drivers, like his previously good career going nowhere. He took refuge in PA behaviour which is why I think I failed to see it for a while. I wasn't used to it, and I knew he was stressed. Anyway it got worse and worse until I switched almost overnight from being the most wonderful woman in the world, to being public enemy number 1.
Well I worked at being wonderful, I realise, to keep him happy. So when I became PE1 my initial and rather sick response was 'What did I do wrong?' This is why the boards were so good. They showed me that MLC is not your fault, and that you make changes for you, not for the WAS.
Understanding that it was nothing you did is huge when you have been dealing with an increasingly PS person, who has been subtly persuading you for years that everything is your responsibility and much of it your fault.
After he left my xh accused me of undermining his career, driving away his friends, trivialising what he did, and making him live where he didn't want to. Oddly enough I left the town and he stayed . . . I could go on. We have all been there and heard much of what they say.
Another time he asked me why I acted as if everything was my responsibility. What I wanted to scream at him was 'Because you have made *** sure that Someone, and usually me should take responsibility for everything that happens'. Even now he occasionally asks me for explanations of things - during the summer he wanted to know who had caused the European monetary crisis. I realise he didn't hold me responsible for that, but he certainly wanted to blame someone!! This question came out of the blue. We have very little contact. I have not seen him in nearly two years. Honestly they are deranged in very special ways!
