12 years ago after I first realized my wife was not the person I had believed her to be, but believing that maybe my reaction was unwarranted and over the top, I did an online personality quiz. Took me about 20 minutes but no real surprises tending towards introversion etc etc. Having seen me do this W decided she had to do the same personality quiz. Took her about 2 hours, mulling over each question very very carefully, Guess what? No surprises either she was able to demonstrate she was exactly who she had decided to be. She even admitted this some years later.
I think the phrase 'don't confuse me with facts my mind is made up' is very apt. Other times of course they will deliberately do the wrong thing just to stick it to you, and then feign ignorance/surprise but generally no remorse.
I don't know about your XH but this careful control of self means virtually no spontaneity. It seems to me the PA just simply not enjoy life for its own sake. My W is very competitive in hobbies etc. she simply cannot enjoy something she is not seen to be good at. Possibly this indicates a lack of self-esteem, I sometimes think my W will go to any lengths to look good.
She has turned our relationship into a battleground with a winner and a loser (the way she pays monopoly as well!!). You are not even allowed to surrender gracefully, she must deliver the coup de grace. 3 1/2 years ago when she ended her affair she said 'okay you win!'. Didn't feel like I had won anything except 7 months of anxiety and misery.
I think as children we quite often want to win, to be the best, but as you grow up/get older you realize life is short, there is always someone better than you, its not that important, and it really does not matter as long as you enjoy what you do.
In their relationships the Passive Aggressive possibly never considers: 'its not whether you win or lose its how you play the game'.
It seems to me, from all I have read and seen, the PA the MLCer is still a child having a childish tantrum over what they were denied in childhood.
