Well, been mulling over your comments the past few days. No, I am not ready to call her bluff. There is this feeling, little things I get from things she says, that makes me think she is hesitating. I could be wrong, and I'm not trying to read the tea leaves either.
25, I just read a post you made in which you reposted a letter from a WAW to a LBS about how 6 months of change by the LBS wasn't near enough to offset the years of neglect felt by the WAW. I am assuming that this is how my W feels as well. At least that is the attitude or approach that I have taken.
The hard part is developing a plan. But based on everyone's comments, it seems that I need to detach, set boundaries with W, and hold her to them. That doesn't mean call her bluff, but that her behavior is unacceptable. I did tell her that her comments hurt me deeply, and her reply was that maybe her words hurt, but my actions have hurt her. I can't let her control my life so much. Sandi2, you are correct, she has always been a controller, and I've let her. She has used the D word in arguments since we were married. She has held the cheating incidents over my head, it doesn't take long in any argument for that to come up. I know what I did was wrong and hurt her, but as my DB coach said, I've been punished long enough.
I can see how my strong tendency to avoid conflict really fed into her controlling behavior. And eventually I avoided conflict by avoiding her. So this is something I really need to work on. I have to also learn to ask for what I want. Have finished reading "Nice Guy" and started "N.U.T.s".
Which leads me to the EA. Do I address it with her? Seems DB/DR is fairly clear you don't confront them with this. I'm not sure it would do any good.
25 I do agree that this digital world makes it far to easy to get in trouble. I know if I asked my W if what she is doing is wrong, she would say no. But if I had a female friend I talked to on my private cell phone at work, etc...that phone would be airborne in no time. W is just rationalizing her behavior.
It seems it is really about what I do, not her. I want to be a better man, I don't want to be stepped on as Sandi2 so elegantly put it. I need to work on establishing and maintaining my relationships outside my marriage, not have my W as my emotional enter anymore. I really haven't had much of a social life outside of work. I need to change that. I've started, but W certainly has resisted. Myself and my sons are my priority now, I will be there for my W if she needs something, but putting myself first.
Although my W sure seems to need me an awful lot lately. I try to let her initiate contact, so Friday I worked most of the day, when she got home she was upset because I hadn't texted or called. She is very keen on what I do, last two days she has texted "where r u?". We eat dinner together every night, in fact, I brought home takeout a few days ago and she had the table set when I got home. She hasn't done that in a while. Again, I will go in her bedroom to say goodnight, usually scratch or rub her back, and occasionally she will fall asleep in my arms. I then leave.
She stated the other day to stop labeling everything, take it for what it is. If she didn't like being around me she wouldn't be. She does not like to talk about the R or future, of course.
What do I make of her comment about maybe not filing for D but separating and moving to TX. The D laws are favorable to me here in AK, haven't looked at TX yet. Is that something I should be concerned with? Is that a positive?
I'm working toward the "I want to be with my W, but I don't need my W' philosophy. I've read that here several times, not sure which poster coined the phrase.
Hey, Jack3Beans, liked the "naked in Kaladi Brothers" statement. You are so right, W is out to prove me wrong at every turn.
Thanks again for the responses. 25, your personally story about avoiding conflict was great. Why didn't I realize this issue years ago!
