2TP said - I'm a little mixed though on the best approach for how to work with your W and her emotional crisis. Part of me thinks that she needs a lot of space. Like maybe she needs to go away for awhile or you need to go away just so she feels free to figure things out for herself without the daily reminder of her problems.
Rick said - I don't know. I have never seen anyone figure themselves out when they take off from their life, unless it's someone removing themselves from a toxic environment. Many of her issues have to do with not facing things so her patterns of running away, ducking the issues, defensiveness have not worked for her. She knows this and is doing her best to face this down while trying to meet her daily obligations. Because she is dealing with so much it does knock her down quite often. We have worked out a kind of comprimise. She lives in her own room, which she uses as a kind of big therapy center, she takes off when she needs to think clearly, sometimes day trips (like yesterday), sometimes weekends.
2TP said - My other thought is that while you may need to be there for her, maybe it needs to be way back in the shadows, if you know what I mean. Sort of like, let her know she has a life line to you if she needs it but fade into the background, doing your own thing and give her time and plenty of space. You are in such a delicate situation it is hard to really say what will work best for you.
Rick said - not really sure here either. I've been going with gut instinct, some experience and advise from others, love for her and a pinch of common sense. I think your concept of being in the shadows but letting her see the lifeline to me is sound. Her psychiatrist has said she has arrested development at age 8 from her very serious trauma (long story) and in fact I have always known that before he came up with it. She fully admits that this is what she is dealing with. I see it playing out all the time. She's like at 8 yr old kid who wants the independence, doesn't want the parent hovering nearby but wants them back in the shadows like you say. I see this in her daily. She will say the honorable thing like its not fair that I should suffer through this, that I deserve the comfort of the type relationship I can handle not limited by her hangups, etc. But if she even senses I am pulling away/detaching she really doesn't like it. I have to detach for my own sanity, but I keep my thoughts to myself. I am quietly there for her and don't make any sudden movements. And my detaching triggers another issue she is dealing with....uncontrollable jealousy.
She admits I'm cursed by her issues which gives me two bad sides of the same poisonous coin. On one side her trauma has caused her to not know how to handle a normal relationship with a guy without there being some sort of flirtateous element to it (25 said it best when she compared my W to Marilyn Monroe - same struggles/issues, same trouble in handling it in real life, hopefully not the same ending). She's not comfortable with herself so she keeps handling things in the same destructive manner, and then guys just see this beautiful woman and get mesmerized by her. Then, the other side of the coin is her inability to love while trusting.
It gets tough for me though. I don't live my life ruled by jealousy so she is not limited by me, but she has a real problem in trusting. So when I detach in a way that's visible on the surface it really shakes her. OW, I mean just OW as friends is tough for her.
This is just one aspect, among many others she's dealing with. She didn't plan to have this breakdown but in a way I think its the best thing that ever happened in that its has given her a chance to conguer these things, and maybe this will mean we can have a new M, one where we are operating at a more evolved level.
2, I'm struggling like everybody else. I have my moments of self pity and want to say "f" this. I get these urges to detach in a big way in a self preservation mode. There are moments where I start the inner whining...why am I comforting everbody else and getting none in return....why is so much shyte happening at once, etc.
