Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

I think not being able to ask for what you need is a big problem. For my wife, it comes down to not believing you'll get what you need. She may not want me to do something with S that I did with D, but since I let her down before, won't consider that I will heed her wishes. So she won't ask, but instead boil over with anger until she's twitching with rage and has a tantrum - and at that moment, during the tantrum, I finally figure out what the anger is over.

It's going to take time + consistent change for her to believe you won't let her down. What kind of things did you let her down on?

Bipolar disorder. Neither of us understood that I had this before we got married.
I have to make myself a todo list to remember to do all the things that need to be done. When I'm down, I can abandon this list for months at a time. I might not pay the taxes. I might not file insurance paperwork and get stuck with a $500 medical bill.

Where I let her down was in not getting the help I needed in the way she wanted me to. I didn't want to medicate my problem away and it took me several years to accept that I'd have to. Because I wasn't doing it the way she wanted me to, I was secretive about it.

I was also secretive about my finances because I didn't want her to know when I was making money and when I wasn't.

There were times when I disagreed with her on a parenting decision with my D15 (her step-daughter), and overruled her. I thought we agreed at some point that 4 parents were too many for one kid, but W is quite bitter over it.

Damn, when I put it that way, I don't want to be married to me, either.

I wish I could get my W to uncork all the pain and let it out.

That's hard because it's really scary. Probably fear, fear that you won't understand, fear that you will reject her or fear that she's unlovable. Another great book, How to Change Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

I just ordered the book on Amazon. I still wish I could get her to let that stuff out. I mean... I wish I could convince her that she'd feel better afterward.

She has complained for a long time that I don't care about how she feels. I always thought that was an unfair thing to say. She is a difficult person to disagree with - always intense and boiling with anger at those that disagree with her. It became a lot easier to be passive-agressive.