MLC or Passive Aggressive or Narcissism

[AntoniaB]

Kimmerz, If I'm being totally honest and humble, I can explain why they can admit they have a problem and then put it on others, because I did the same thing. I had anxiety issues my whole life that really snowballed the more XH sheltered or cared for me or validated my anxiety by never saying get it together but just patting me on the back. In the years before the end of the marriage, I had this episode of claustrophobia in an MRI machine and never knew I was claustrophobic, and then it snowballed to me having fears of being trapped elsewhere. I flew 2 times and was ok with it and then suddenly I couldn't fly without major panic attacks. I also started having issues teaching/standing in front of people. I stressed all the time and he would say you need to do something about this, and I'd say I needed to do something, and I never did. I just practiced avoidance behaviors and tried to go fewer places. I never got treatment for my anxiety until it came up when I was in therapy for him cheating on me and divorcing me. Only then did I really do the work needed to face the anxiety problem, and there are still some things I havent' dealt with, like getting back on a plane.

People put their problems on others if they are too scared to face them or too lazy to do the work needed to fight the problems. I did it myself, so I get it.

This is why I think that realistically unless the bottom really drops out of my XHs world, he'll never get help but put his problems on others. It takes a former avoider to know a current avoider. He and I were peas in a pod.

This is why even though he did an awful thing to me, he set my life on a path that I'd never have chosen to take that has completely made my life better.

So I'm one of those people who definitely would say now, "My XH's affair was the best thing that ever happened to me."

I know me enough to know that it was the only thing that would ever destroy me badly enough to have to decide to either end it all or fight back and rebuild "me".