OK so just come back from our Sunday night talk! Feel kinda proud of myself although my very bitten tongue hurts a lot
So taking the advice on here I didn't start talking about our relationship at all although thats what our Sunday evening talk is supposed to be about! We talked about her work for a good half hour, it wasn't an easy talk at all and felt strained a lot of the time but hey it least it wasn't about our relationship. Although I did good here because she keeps moaning she doesn't have any time to do her reading up she needs to qualify for a pay rise. I normally would of pointed out how she could have found the time to do it but did a 180 and didn't mention anything although I admit I pushed it a little bit when I asked if she had hour long lunch breaks this week and she said but thats my break time. I dropped it at that though! The truth is, she has LOADS of time to read her books, they would only take 3 hours or so reading and even though she has to look after the kids, they're in bed by 2030 so she has a couple of hours in the evening, she doesn't do any housework - really, hardly any at all ( I used to do the majority) and shes just had 2 days off and done absolutely nothing and 1 day I looked after the kids after school so she had lots of time to herself.
Then she started talking about our finances (I'm about to go bankrupt) and how she was thinking about putting her name on the council house list as she was concerned about losing the house if I went bankrupt, I explained to her again that it's very unlikely as there is no equity and even if they did, we would get a year to find somewhere else. She also said how she would be better off seperating our finances which confused me a bit, as I wasn't sure what she was trying to say because she would get £800 in benefits if we seperated our finances (note she said seperate our finances - not split up) so I worked out what we get currently together and showed her it was a £1000 more together. I was trying to work out what she was suggesting and I don't think she knew herself and then asked her in a roundabout way if she was suggesting we seperate our finances so she claim those benefits and she sort of agreed but then I pointed out that was fraud and she said yeah but it would pay for her driving lessons. So I think maybe she was trying to prove she would be alright on her own but it kind of backfired.
She said she wants a fresh start away from our home cause our oldest needs a room to himself and started crying, it's true he does and I acknowledged that, what she doesn't know is that there is the option of my whole family moving to my Mums house with cheap rent which has an extra bedroom and is the perfect answer to our situation, I was so, so tempted to tell her that but I'm not sure if I should, because I want us to sort things out first or at least make significant progress. So I said to her, what we'll have to do is if we wort 'us' out is rent a bigger place and she said do you ever see us sorting it out? and I said, I don't know - all the other times she has said something similar I had said yes and she said that she can't imagine us being together again, I so wanted to say that I bet 12 months ago you wanted of imagined us being apart either!, but I didn't should I of?
She said I keep going back to the old me, like for example yesterday she was annoyed with me when she said she can't afford her first driving lessons this month I just shrugged my shoulders at her, I asked her what she would of liked me to have said and she said anything but shrug my shoulders, I apologised and validated her, I only did it because I was trying not to offer her a solution, not to be rude.
Then we got onto, me not picking her Mum up to babysit and taking her home 4 days a week while we are both working. It's something I had done for over a year and it added an hour onto my day and when I moved out the 2nd time I requested a few weeks off from that it I was very very very stressed, confused and upset. She agreed and actually arranged her sister to do it to quote'make me happy'. I never got a thanks or a word of appreciation for doing it mind you for over a year! I said then that I recognise that I've had a month off of doing it and I'm quite happy to start doing it again and explained how I needed a break and how it was only temporary and she said she lost all respect for me when I requested a bit of time off (if an alternative could be arranged!) and gave me a long lecture about family etc etc. I just listened and validated but in my mind I was thinking you selfish inconsiderate unappreciative person, wheres my empathy! I asked her directly if she wanted me to start doing it again and she said no, she realises she can't rely on me and she'll find another way. I said the offers there if she wants me to (another 180, instead of forcing it!) That kind of annoyed me because it was only temporary and I genuinely was happy to start doing it again, but she won't have it.
Still with me? Good, almost there!
Then I asked her if there was anything else she wanted to talk about this evening and she said no and I said I might as well go back to my Mums house then, a new 180! she always finished the Sunday evening talk by saying she was tired and how she had stuff to do or set a time to finish, whereas I was always trying to extend it or keep on talking and this was about 45 mins before we normally finish!
As I said goodbye to the kids my D asked if I could look after them on Wednesday as W is at work and I was off. So I said that was great idea and asked my W if it was OK to look after them after school on wednesday but she said I'm not off and I said I know but I want to see my kids! So she obviously thinks I only look after the kids to help her have a break. Proved her wrong again.
Sorry for the long post but wanted to put as much as possible incase I missed something, also happy because she unlocked her iPhone right in front of me so I now know the passcode for it - not going to snoop but it implies to me there really is no contact with Nick anymore as she used to be terribly possesive of it and although she has left it around the house since she said she broke off her friendship with him it still had a passcode on it.
Quite enjoyed the look on her face this evening of confusion and WTH is going on and she was trying to figure stuff out.
I also think depression is coming on a bit, she was playing card games on her iPhone earlier after tea which she never does normally except when she was going through her clinical post natal depression 8 or so years ago. I think shes been depressed for years but she wont have any of it and wont go and see a doctor about it. I also asked her a month or so ago to go and see her Dr about some new tablets she started taking for a different medical illness in the summer last year because one of the common side affects is depression but she insists shes not depressed even though she did an online test that she says she is, apparently shes only depressed when shes with me.
Any help appreciated and hopefully my DR book should arrive tomorrow.
