W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2

[25yearsmlc]

Well my W came and get her stuff out of the garage and house. I helped her with some of it even though it felt like the saddest thing ever.

Ouch...it IS sad. But she feels it's her "task" or mission now, and you must leave her to it.

You said you had found a "pro-marriage mc" but your w "refused to go." I went to several mc's with h as I told you. They validated my perspective and that changed nothing for my sitch b/c my h decided that b/c I'm a L, I had "brainwashed ALL the mc's" and he refused to go anymore.

I found a pro-m mc, and I went by myself for a solid year Before h even met the guy. They met a few times on their own, and got along quite well (I found that having a man counselor was good for my h, btw).

Anyhow, who said you cannot go without her? I found it very helpful to ME to go on my own and get a pro-marriage perspective even in the face of the odds...with or without h, I wanted to know I had done right by my kids/marriage vows, no matter the outcome. I knew I'd have no regrets. IF I'd stopped going b/c h would not go, that means HE gets to dictate how I behave? Nope...or that HE decides when I, 25, quit? Nope...

I choose how I respond and I choose IF and WHEN to quit...


There was so much stuff I put some stuff in my car and went to the new place she will be living. It was hard when my son is trying to help my W and watching this. I went to her new place to see where it was so I know.

She did say thank you for helping her.

that's^^^ a positive in my mind. You MAY be learning to detach. Earlier you seemed to think detachment meant giving up. It does not.

It means letting go of results so much (be your best self and leave the results up to God) and it means

NOT ATTACHING your happiness or self worth or thoughts,

to someone else's actions or words.


For some reason her scandalous Halloween costume was out on the railing, that was surprising to say the least. Her alcohol was on the counter which tells me she is not slowing down on the drinking. I really don't know who my W is anymore because this is the complete opposite person that I married.


ALL of this^^^ is just more of the same old YOU being judgmental.

The "Scandalous" outfit, the "not slowing down" on the booze. Yes I have a low tolerance for alcoholISM too--but I don't spend my energy judging others or commenting. This is so NOT IN YOUR CONTROL

but you keep hammering at the wall with your stick. Let it go.


I asked her if she really wanted to do this and all she said was pretty much and then moved on to moving some stuff and avoided the topic.

B/c you thought she'd suddenly change her mind? During the move? That undermines the effect of you assisting her...

What you resist, persists. Stop asking her or pursuing. Leave her to her "mission" to see if the grass is greener on the other side and to feel free of your control.

Snowman, to me, you come across as critical and controlling. In her mind, she
can only be herself if she is free of you. In her mind, she wants to know what choices she would or could make if you were not making or judging them all.

She wants to KNOW who she is...that is how she strikes me. Is she handling this in the healthiest way possible? No she is not.

Are you? NO you are not. And you are the only person here, so we can only give YOU advice on how YOU behave...

Let her go find herself. Stop cornering her or making ultimatums and please stop discussing her with family and friends.

You are making the "road home" rockier and more twisted, Not "paved and smooth".

Though I understand why,

the reality is you sound too pissed off at her

for her to believe you two could ever get past all this.






I will write the letter when I get time (have my S now). I'm not sure were she is going with her life but it seems to me she is following her girlfriend's path that is recently divorced almost exactly.


^^^STOP THE NEGATIVE PROJECTIONS...they help NO ONE, including you. They hurt your cause, they hurt your m, they hurt you and they hurt your son indirectly...

just stop assuming the worst of her. Stop expecting the worst...

prepare for it but hope for the best. And learn to feel happy. You sound so miserable -- was that one of the things your w said bothered her?

I never got a clear answer from you on what SHE said your issues were...you said she "retracted some" and I can only assume that was in reaction to you confronting...so I don't count it as a retraction at all.

The content and tone of what she said offered you valuable information.

How do you feel about how you used that information?





----is typical for a WAS but I don't see her wanting to go back to the morals and lifestyle we once had.


b/c?? She's now amoral? Immoral?

Were you living a repressed judgemental lifestyle?

Why would she NOT want it again if she was so happy in it?

Does this attitude of yours --implying she's immoral/amoral, work for you?


She is living the lifestyle of her father and some of her brothers which is fine but to be honest it is not a lifestyle I want to live.

1) you don't KNOW what she is doing so how can you assess? Just more negative projections... (I doubt you knew her dad/brothers that well either, but that's just a guess.)

2) it's NOT "fine" with you, and that is abundantly clear.

Why the pretense of tolerance?



---- I know this is all random info but I just recounting what was said. Not sure what else to say. I'm working on me and reading How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It as it is a really good book as well. I see my W and me in many of the things it describes. It maybe to late but I will still learn and improve from it.

that's ^^^ great to do now. I think it's better late than never, and I don't know that it's too late anyhow.

But stay in your sandbox and do your own work;

stay out of hers and let her find her way.

DETACH--we hammer it for a reason....here's a short piece on it. There is a lot of info on this site about it...



This was originally posted by Peanut.
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II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine accomplishing our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. But We are responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I alone am responsible for how I act.

I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."