After breakfast, H went out to his truck to finish working on the stereo. I sat in the truck with him and helped as needed... Here's what I need help with: look at this conversation: H: So, I don't want to be a jerk, but you seem to be nicer to me lately. I'm just not used to it. M: How do you think I should be acting? H: Well, I would think that you would still be mad and upset with me. You're being nicer to me than you ever were when we were together. M: This is a bad thing? H: No, but I just want to make sure you aren't still trying or getting the wrong idea. M: I appreciate your concern. (jokingly) I can be a b!tch if you would prefer. H: No, haha. I mean you're doing everything right, it makes me...... (long pause).... worry that you're getting the wrong idea.
Two possibilities. One is, that he means it totally. He's glad you are making changes you wanted to make anyhow, BUT of course it changes nothing about how he feels...
um, he MAY THINK that, but does it truly make sense that his feelings will remain firm and that NOTHING you do or say will affect those feelings? Ever??
Second, his feelings and his plan are being challenged in an unexpected way, i.e., by YOUR behavior. He does not trust it yet. You've shared with us before that you made temporary changes before this but then reverted to old behaviors. So he's got some real history to rely on.
He does not WANT to trust it...He fears that if he did, you could backslide & reveal it was all a tactic to get him home, and he'd have gone through all this "public" upheaval to move on, only to reconcile and be hurt again.
He may feel that you only care now b/c he's interested in another woman and you just don't want to "Lose" him to her, as opposed to really wanting and loving HIM for who he is. Either way, it's nonsense to believe his feelings won't be affected by your behavior.
IT's still possible, sadly, that it's too late. We all know that risk exists.
But are there ANY signs that things might be slowing down, stalling out or even turning around?
Yes, absolutely there is at least a slowing down..
He asked me again about my trip to Florida, if I had it all planned out. I told him that I'm just going to 'wing it'- and he laughed and said that's totally not like me (I'm normally the one who plans, organizes every detail.) Nice 180...but let him know a FEW new 180s like the skydiving type things...but not too much info. The mystery counts as well as the 180s.
What do I do with this information?! He obviously noticed that I'm in a better mood- but it's kinda backfiring on me. Is he still resolved in his decision?
I need help with the next steps!
There is NO BACKFIRING...what are you talking about? Did we read the same convo??
He just told you he notices you are changing!!!!.
Now you have to explain at some appropriate time, that you are changing for YOU and not him. Not that he didn't deserve it but now YOU GET IT...YOU have had an awakening...remember??
That you wish you had changed earlier b/c life is better not worrying and fretting and keeping your health factors in check. Being angry wasn't being happy.
If you really feel the Mother Teresa Purg in you going, thank him for being the catalyst for change "Even though" you know it came late...hey, "better late than never."
He needs to know that "This ain't no act" and only time and consistent change on your end will get him there.
You want this for YOU and you are getting excited about what life has in store for YOU right around the corner...
(then get out of the area and take some deep breaths before you freak!!)
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My guess is YES...consciously he is still resolute. But subconsciously, who knows? There seems to be some cognitive dissonance...a bit of confusion, which is a goal of the 180s and GAL.
We want to counter their negatives with positives. We stop fueling their negatives. We replace them with positive images of family life and how WE are as individuals and how we interact with them...
What you are doing is helping you, yes. But even if he is starting to consciously question his choices he will NOT TELL YOU for a long time. You'd probably be the last person b/c he does not feel safe and won't for awhile.
He'll double check his choices with himself and the few people he's talked to about it. He'll want validation IF he thinks reconciling is safe to do...or divorcing/separating...either way, you'll find out a lot later than others.
PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE...
You are the mother of his children and you are now being kinder and more loving to him.
How can that NOT matter?
You must pull back, back off and NOT engage in any of the "what does this mean NOW?"
that's obsessing and NOT detaching. Keep up the detaching...here's a short reminder of what that means so you stay on track.
"This was originally posted by Peanut. (Edited a tad by me...) ============ I. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded, and we say or do things that undermine accomplishing our goals.
We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
_________________________
Purg, Get back to DETACHMENT, GAL and the 180s...
DBing is helping your situation (or at least your sanity, which is also nice) so keep it up.
Stay on course.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25- thank you so much for your insights and reminders to stay detached I felt really good about our talk in the truck- then as time when on, I started analyzing, critiquing, and getting negative again.... I should have left well enough alone!
Yes, GAL and 180's are helping my sitch, and helping me keep my sanity (which I think is the more valuable result of my efforts!)
What would be the best way to "thank him" for being my catalyst for change?? A letter? A blunt conversation? When is the best time to present this to him?? (I really hate having to question every move I make! But since I'm not completely detached, I know that I probably have emotional motivations, so I want to make sure I'm acting 'non-emotionally')
Another Update:
H and I were checking out something random on the computer, and he asked out of the blue: H: How are you handling everything?" M: What do you mean? H: Well, you put up a good front and seem as though you're doing much better with all of this. M: You've always told me that you don't like seeing me upset, or hearing about it because it makes you feel bad, so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. (that was really NOT my best DB answer, but that's what came out of my mouth in the moment)
He didn't ask any more. I feel like today has been full of 'check point' questions.... odd timing since I'm leaving in 6 days. I really want to keep my head (and my words) focused on doing the best thing during (what seems to be) a crack in the sitch.
this day is becoming very stressful, but in a good/interesting way.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Purg - I'm new to all DB stuff, but it seems to me something IS going on with your H. I've been reading up in your sitch and my hat is off to you. I'd probably be somewhere in a corner rocking back and forth.
I'd say keep doing what you're doing and do as 25 says and detach. And once you do, send those detachment vibes my way. I need them!
Purg - IMO (from a guy) he's checking to see if this is a tactic or if this is really the new you. The questions from him are good and its confirmation that he is noticing (in a big way).
This is also the critical time to check yourself and keep doing this for you and to make sure you are holding no expectations of your H. (and yes, I'm preaching to myself as well)
Keep up the great work!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
RO: I have had moments of 'sitting in the corner rocking myself'... It was joined by eating a WHOLE hershey pie alone- not my shining moment Once I figure out the magic Detachment formula- I will send it out to everyone on here!!
Ces- thanks for the 'guys perspective'. I had a momentary pause and thought that I shouldn't do these things anymore because they made him uncomfortable (that's how I interpreted his questions).. but then I realized: I HAVE been doing these things because it's what makes me feel good and this IS the new me.
The rest of the day was uneventful.... but H did stay at the house until 4:00. We played with the baby a little, but mostly he sat on the couch and read a book. [normally, I would have been upset that he wasn't 'involved', but today it didn't bother me because I was having fun with the baby... maybe I'm getting used to this detaching thing?]
H saw me prepping stuff for dinner and making brownies (his fav), but I didn't ask if he was staying for dinner because I was afraid it would make him uncomfortable. He packed up his lunch for tomorrow and left.
I would love to know where he's going so late in the day, who he's going to see and why he was here all day, but couldn't stay for a few more hours for dinner and bedtime..... things I will never know the answer to (and you know what??) I'm not dwelling!! I'm ok not knowing!! This is the strangest feeling ever!!
I'm still sad that he left. I'm still upset that I found OWs tupperware with left over breakfast food in the back of his truck (yes, I know it's hers because I bought them for her when she was broke :/)-breakfast food?! Her house is 30 minutes in the opposite direction of his drive to work. I wish he would have interacted with me more in the house, I wish I could have found the magic words to inspire him to stay..... but all of these I can put down and go on with my night with the boys
Purg might be on the verge of detachment!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
He is curious about the new you That's why he's asking you how you're doing. From now on I'd just smile and say you're doing great! That's what I try to do.
Detaching is such a process. For me it's 2 steps forward, 1step back. But it's progress Sounds like you are firmly old biting your feet on the right path. Go Pur!
M & H 25 T 9 D 7 S 4 Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me. Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out 2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other. 3-4-12 H moved back in. 3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
H didn't stay here last night. I know I'm not supposed to have expectations, but after the weekend surprises, I almost expected to see him at the table this morning. I'm surprised I'm not more upset (maybe I am a little detached) disappointed is better fitting.
H only called this morning to ask when I would be getting my W-2 and to send him a copy of our Sep. papers.... so I guess he's detached himself from this weekend. I really want to play stupid and tell him I can't find the papers.... but what's the point of avoiding it- it's not going to delay the inevitable.
Is it bad of me to want to make sure the house is in 'perfect' shape before I leave for 2 weeks [ie: laundry put away, bathrooms clean, kitchen clean...]?? H has always been critical of my 'inability as a housewife' (even when I was working full time), so I kinda want to make sure he has no reason to complain, and at the same time, make him realize ALL the stuff that I do for the family in a weeks time.... I know, I know- doing anything with the hope of a reaction from him is not the right thing to do.... but it also makes me feel good to know that I take good care of my family- and keeping the house clean is part of that.
GAL today consists of cleaning the floors, laundry, putting things together for my trip and hopefully going to the park if the weather cooperates.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
but having it clean BEFORE you leave will prevent him from blaming you for when it's a wreck upon your return.
OR he'll keep it up and THAT will take...um, what's that called??
Oh yeah TIME AND ENERGY...and if he expected that WHILE you were working full time, girlfriend, you need to do some 'splainin' to him...
you get a housekeeper when you work full time. Good grief.
I broke my back while active duty (and pregnant...long stupid story but yes, I was completely sober)... Anyhow, it's never been the same. So NOW, when I tell myself what I'm doing around the house I remind myself that if I am
going to reinjure my back, it better NOT be, b/c I was cleaning a dang toilet.
Keep up your program. It's not a "linear progression" for your h.
It's a zig zag and 2 steps away and one back...and detours....
but YOUR progress is in your control...so keep it up.
You're doing well!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I felt really good about our talk in the truck- then as time when on, I started analyzing, critiquing, and getting negative again.... I should have left well enough alone!
Once I figure out the magic Detachment formula- I will send it out to everyone on here!!