Together since we were 15...Part 3

[Jenna333]

The conversations with him need to stop. I don't know why we keep torturing ourselves by taking advantage of our natural chemistry and feelings. It is not helping us right now. Well, it's not helping me. He said it's putting things into perspective for him, and it tells him a lot that he's missing me so much. He told me he almost texted me the other night when I'd be driving by his work after getting out of school.

At one point I broke down and started crying. I told him firmly that this is messing with my head because it's obvious that he loves me and misses me, but he seems torn between me and the idea of someone new. He said, "No, it's more that I'm torn between the ideas of being with you and being without you." He said he has a lot of growing to do, and he can't wait until he's done the majority of the growing. He said he hopes we both come to the conclusion that we can work things out. He seems to be focusing all on himself and his growing and his issues rather than mine lately. He would always find a way to blame me for everything for over a month after he left. Lately, though, whenever he talks about changes and blame, he is only talking about himself. He said honesty is his biggest one, and that he has no other option than to tell the truth, because lying strips the person he's lying to of their rights, and I told him that it also does an injustice to himself by wearing down his integrity. He's also working on letting go a lot of the very negative aspects of his childhood.

He told me I look like a goddess. I've just started dressing more womanly since he left. Before I would honestly stay in my pajamas all day if I had nowhere to go, which usually I'd only have to drop D off at school and then I'd stay home all day with S. Now I get dressed every day. Not only that, I like to look nice. Today I'm wearing leggings with a knit cowl neck fitted top with a belt around the waist, and my tall boots. I feel better knowing that I look nice every day.

Since I made him aware that the long exchanges between us only make it harder on me after he's gone, he said he'll make sure they are 'short and sweet' now. I know it's not all his fault. I could easily walk in the house and say see ya later. It's SO hard to do that, though, when all I want to do is to stand around and talk to him I need to keep in mind at all times how much it hurts later on.