2nd Thread - After almost 1 year, I keep going

[keep_going]

On verbal abuse...

I read a post in another section of the board recommending a support group for verbal abusers in recovery. I tried to register but got turned down because this site is only for men.

Then I went to Patricia Evan's site. She is a well-known author and expert on verbal abuse to see if she has a support group for verbal abusers.

(I actually read one of her books a few months ago and found it very helpful to understand my toxic behaviors towards my H and what I had been putting my him through.)

Yet this morning, I started reading an excerpt from another one of her books. In the first pages she talks about change.

What I read simply shocked me. I have to quote here, because I don't want to mis-interpret her words:

"WHEN THE VERBAL ABUSER IS A WOMAN
Simply put, although I've seen men change, I have never seen a woman transform from seriously verbally abusing her mate to treating him with empathy. The therapists I've talked with about this issue have not seen verbally abusive women change either."

She then adds:
"If you are reading this book, hoping your wife or female significant other will change; will stop telling you what you are, what you think, what you should do, what your opinions should be; or will stop raging at you when you explain yourself or when you ask nicely, 'Please don't do that,' or 'Please don't call me that,' you may try the strategies in this book, but please know that the odds are against your partner changing. I cannot tell you how she could change. I have yet to see a woman change from verbally abusing her mate to validating him (of her, as the case may be)."

She then goes on to explain that this happens because:
"for a woman to be abusive over time in her relationship, she must first lose here inner world, her feelings, her intuition, and her receptivity; she must be severed from all that the culture ascribes to the femenine, and so she must be very damaged, indeed."


WOW...
I came to her site for support. So when I read this, I just felt like I had been punched in my gut.

I am so sad - how can she can dismiss someone like me as hopeless, as damaged goods forever.... Human beings are human beings - men or women, right?

And what if my H were to read this and agree? I would be doomed forever!

I refuse to let her or anyone tell me I cannot change and become a better person. I am changing, I can see results already and I will continue in my journey. I don't care what the experts say.


I just had to share that... It made me sad.