2nd Thread - After almost 1 year, I keep going

[25yearsmlc]

I didn't think you were so off base in the first place.

HE DID expect a sh!!tload of you for years...still does.

You made mistakes and now you are a better woman for learning from them - a work in progress of course.

all in all these talks seem, productive enough. But for now, just be in the moment and enjoying what you can.

Any new GAL this weekend? (Sorry if I missed it-many posts today)

(((( )))

[BklynMom]

I liked your letter as well. My DB coach says you need to get in front of the train to slow it down.

Let me rant a minute: This idea, that my H has as well, that when your M you can announce one day that its over and take off your ring and from that point on you are a free man is so cockamayme. Helllooooo. We are married! not going steady; not living together.

These days I have new found respect for the Tony Soprano type of H, who is constantly cheating but really always with his wife. At least Tony Soprano had the balls to admit want the heck he was doing.

This need from my H and yours to be told that they are a "good guy" while they leave their W & kids is ridiculous.

DB makes us own our mistakes, which we made but they need to own theirs and that is gonna take a while. (See "Its complicated")

Also, hello, when you wife, girlfriend or one night stand gets knocked up you need to show up. I know a married couple with 3 kids now that got married cause she was pregnant, they hadnt been dating long but they decided they would try marriage when she accidently got pregnant with #1 .

When kids are involved & the woman is preggers you need act like a grown up not at 16 yr old boy & be led around by your friend downstairs. Come on. We all know this, his mother & sisters know this. Everyone knows this.

That being said, you are right and he is wrong now we need to move on and be happy

[25yearsmlc]

AMEN!! ^^^ to what she said!! (etc.)

[keep_going]

You guys are totally right. I should not let myself get sucked into this whole game. It all started with a simple, direct and polite email telling him he didn't need to tell me when OW was in town...

I am still so emotionally attached to everything he says to me. I am so worried about what he thinks. And my whole "disertation" yesterday was just my need to try to "prove" him that he left and I didn't stop trying.

Who cares what he thinks???????
So what if he re-invented history???

After all this time, I should just know better...

But enough about him.
I have been posting sooo much today due to the fact that I am "quarantined" with my kids with potty training of D3.

I am getting cabin fever and D3 has been acting out more than usual today. (She has been having a really rough time and getting very emotional and rebellious). She even hit D4 twice and took her toys away a few times.

I feel like this is getting out of control. She doesn't listen to me and time outs are not working. I feel a bit at my wits end with this. I just don't know how to help her anymore.
And it's also truly testing my patience.

Sorry - today I feel quite overwhelmed about everything. I can't wait for H to pick up the kids in an hour so I can go out, get fresh air.

And H - he is out looking for a new apt. with OW...

[25yearsmlc]

So he's looking for an apartment? that's nice.

Can't wait til he has all three kids AND hers and see how potty training and the terrible twos get...

oh yeah, it'll ALL Be SO WONDERFULLLLLLL ALLLLLL THE TIME....NOT

geez, there's actually an UPSIDE to him being gone b/c you can get a trusted "Sitter" and take a dang break. Never realized that before.

Anyhow, here's a little piece on detachment...

"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we often do things that will undermine our goals.

We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

[keep_going]

On verbal abuse...

I read a post in another section of the board recommending a support group for verbal abusers in recovery. I tried to register but got turned down because this site is only for men.

Then I went to Patricia Evan's site. She is a well-known author and expert on verbal abuse to see if she has a support group for verbal abusers.

(I actually read one of her books a few months ago and found it very helpful to understand my toxic behaviors towards my H and what I had been putting my him through.)

Yet this morning, I started reading an excerpt from another one of her books. In the first pages she talks about change.

What I read simply shocked me. I have to quote here, because I don't want to mis-interpret her words:

"WHEN THE VERBAL ABUSER IS A WOMAN
Simply put, although I've seen men change, I have never seen a woman transform from seriously verbally abusing her mate to treating him with empathy. The therapists I've talked with about this issue have not seen verbally abusive women change either."

She then adds:
"If you are reading this book, hoping your wife or female significant other will change; will stop telling you what you are, what you think, what you should do, what your opinions should be; or will stop raging at you when you explain yourself or when you ask nicely, 'Please don't do that,' or 'Please don't call me that,' you may try the strategies in this book, but please know that the odds are against your partner changing. I cannot tell you how she could change. I have yet to see a woman change from verbally abusing her mate to validating him (of her, as the case may be)."

She then goes on to explain that this happens because:
"for a woman to be abusive over time in her relationship, she must first lose here inner world, her feelings, her intuition, and her receptivity; she must be severed from all that the culture ascribes to the femenine, and so she must be very damaged, indeed."


WOW...
I came to her site for support. So when I read this, I just felt like I had been punched in my gut.

I am so sad - how can she can dismiss someone like me as hopeless, as damaged goods forever.... Human beings are human beings - men or women, right?

And what if my H were to read this and agree? I would be doomed forever!

I refuse to let her or anyone tell me I cannot change and become a better person. I am changing, I can see results already and I will continue in my journey. I don't care what the experts say.


I just had to share that... It made me sad.

[keep_going]

25
I almost forgot - thank you for the quote on detachment.

I am turning my attention to that topic now, since my efforts to find support for verbal abusers this morning were not quite as successful...

[BklynMom]

I dont know what support web site you got that quote from about woman abusers but it is a load of bs.

I was verbally abusive to my H and now am in recovery. I have totally changed and believe if he came back I would not be abusive again. However, I would not perfect. Go to Alanon! Even if you think there is no alcoholic in your life their are many woman in Alanon that struggle with being verbally abusive and angry.

Please go to Alanon for me. Please, it is where you need to go!!

You are not a freak or completely nuts. Many people, and many woman suffer from this disease, it is okay - you can get better.

By the book "Walking on Eggshells". The book is more meant as support for the abused but I think you may be able to relate to a lot of the scenerios and it may give you hope that you are not alone.

I was not kind to my H. I am now on Prozac and go to Alanon 3 times a week. I consider myself in recovery, just as an alcoholic that is not drinking is in recovery but is still an alcoholic.

Please delete that web page and dont read that crap again. There is so much help, this is so treatable!!!!

[~ kd ~]

KG, I am a strong believer in change and when we are open and receptive to change, we can.

It is unfortunate that author has not seen cases of verbal abuse changing in women. I have also read information that indicates people with borderline personality disorder can not change...

But... then again... I've also read a lot of information that people with autism are some how limited. I have seen (especially recently) a lot of examples that is not the case. Or how about someone who has no legs being able to run... hey... it's possible...

Everything is possible. Make it happen. Show the world... show yourself... that you can, in fact, change...

[Grmpy_Mnky]

You are not a freak or completely nuts. Many people, and many woman suffer from this disease, it is okay - you can get better.

I agree. I have seen it first hand.