Thanks ed. I did make that decision under the effects of pure emotional exhaustion the other night. I have since let go of that "rock" and I am now feeling releived to let the current take me where it may. A renewed awarness of God has also helped. That night I spoke to the big guy for the first time in many years. It does help.
Geesh, feel like a 15 year old girl sometimes with my emotions.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
you seem to think if you detach it means you are giving up. Not true.
OR that you must "move on" b/c it's "Futile to have hope"...
Moving on has nothing to do with losing hope.
You DO have to move on, regardless of what she says or does. Why?
B/c where you were, stank as a way of life.
You were depressed and hard to be around. You didn't like yourself either.
So sure, let go of ALL of that. Let that part of your old life die out...
As for the new you, remember to "do the math"...
consistent change + sufficient time = change SHE can believe in.
She may never believe you changed, but if you are consistent with it, w/time, she'll accept that. IF not, so what?
You can't control If, how or when she believes you are different.
But letting go of the illusion you ever had control is a start - that she probably WILL notice.
The only certainty is that YOU will notice b/c letting go is freeing and empowering to YOU...
She may say "too late" and she may believe that.
She does NOT Know right now, how she'll feel later. Only time tells us that.
Remember that note I sent your way about how the WAW feels if she's been mistreated?
(I think I sent it to you...did I??) How long it takes for the WAW to believe your changes MIGHT be real? A lot longer than you have given her...OMG you're so new to this...
IN any event, You still get to enjoy the new you and what your new life will bring.
I believe most WASs ponder the possibility that their LBS
MIGHT change later. The WASs typically complain "Oh, so NOW you are kind and loving"....b/c it bothers them that they got the crappy part of you and some OW gets the new improved you.
I suspect they'll always wonder "What IF I had given grump another chance? Could he have remained new & improved for ME?"
She will probably tell herself "No, he would not do that for ME. He'd revert..."
How can YOU change that perception?
IF YOU CAN, it's only by "doing the math"^^^^...so do it.
Finally, work on not manipulating or worrying so much about the outcome. Easier said than done but once you achieve this, your life and happiness will be so enhanced. Be the best man you can be, and leave the results up to God.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 you are brilliant! Yeah, i did read that letter and it made perfect sense. I have always been the over-acheiver. I thought when I came on these boards I could do better than most and "get my wife back." All the while I failed to appreciate the complexities of this process and not to mention I needed to change ME. Getting my wife back is not my priority now - it feels like a wookie has got off my chest. I can breath. Helping others has also been very theraputic for me. Yesterday, for example, we were all able to rally to 111's side and shepard her through a very nasty place. It put things in perspective.
Thanks 25, you deserve a friggin medal.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
25 you are brilliant! Yeah, i did read that letter and it made perfect sense. I have always been the over-acheiver. I thought when I came on these boards I could do better than most and "get my wife back." All the while I failed to appreciate the complexities of this process and not to mention I needed to change ME. Getting my wife back is not my priority now - it feels like a wookie has got off my chest. I can breath. Helping others has also been very theraputic for me. Yesterday, for example, we were all able to rally to 111's side and shepard her through a very nasty place. It put things in perspective.
Thanks 25, you deserve a friggin medal.
You are so right! ...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
GM I just caught up with your sitch. I think you are very fortunate to have found DB so early on. It will really help you progress faster than many of us. (I didn't really find out about it until after a good few months into my S.)
But the key is, it will help you IF you do the hard work. As you know, nothing worth doing comes easy. And still then, you will struggle, and feel desperate and ready to quit. And you will backslide. And it will take a while for the principles to really sink in and realize you need to do this FOR YOU.
And then you will backslide some more. And learn, and grow, and feel more pain.
And then backslide some more (as late as 2 days ago for me, and my sitch is 13 months old already...)
BUT, if you stick to it, you will see progress. IN YOU. slowly.
When you feel like quitting, go read some success stories (of both people who restored their M and some who didn't). You will be amazed and inspired.
From what I have read in your thread, you are doing sooo much better than I was at that time in my sitch.
HANG IN THERE!
PS - The hardest thing to accomplish about DBing for me - DETACHMENT...I am not there yet - but I am starting to be able to practice it some days. But I think it is the most valuable thing you can do to protect your broken heart.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
oh lord, it's hard to be humble.... when you're perfect in every way...
hahahahahaah
should have been our wedding song...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Venting from my work PC. Just had a meeting with a work friend that still works over in the H.Q. building where I used to work with my wife. I have since moved to an office on the other side of the park so I will not see her. So friend is telling me how wife is coming to work dressed inappropriately, going out of her way to make sure all hear her laughing, and flirting with the other guys I once shared an office with.
Tonight I am at the point of asking the W via email to get her signature of the papers notorized and then drop them in my box. I will then do the same. No contact that way I'm thinking. At this point in time, as you well know, I am not inclined to hold out hope for a R. Then again, a part of me still does not want to give up. I guess this is all rhetorical. Should I just give her what she asked for last week and get this all over with? Do I just vent and deal with me and do nothing to facilitate the D?
Very stymied about this...
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
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