I haven't posted in awhile, but check in often to see what you and others write. There is much wisdom here for LBSers at all stages of this journey. Many times I find nuggets of validation or a different perspective that helps me to move another step forward on my journey. Many thanks to you, beatrice, snodderly, WCW, Antonia, Cadet, and many, many more for continuing to post.
Something you wrote above caught my attention and I am curious to hear folks' perspective on this.
Originally Posted By: seeking anwers
Sometimes I think there are unspoken apologies, ones where actions speak louder than words. Especially, from ones that have a hard time expressing feelings.
This is one aspect of DBing that has never been very clear to me. In all the time I spent talking with Jody my impression was that I shouldn't expect XH to offer a spoken/written apology (although it can happen). I agree that it would be very difficult for anyone to apologize directly after so much water had gone under the bridge (although some do). However, if the WAS doesn't offer a spoken/written acknowledgement that they played a role in the M difficulties, how do you know that the WAS isn't just sweeping what happened under the carpet again, as I think many of them are prone to do. Having been raised by an alcoholic mother, XH had difficulty asking for what he needed. If he had to ask for something that he needed emotionally (i.e. nurturing, $ex), the value of that exchange was greatly devalued. He wanted me to be able to anticipate his needs (i.e. mind read) and meet them.
I'm not disagreeing with you SA about your statement, just wondering what folks think about how you can know if the MLCers actions signal a recognition of their role in the M problems. I would think that at some point there needs to be a verbal/written acknowledgement of some type for real healing to occur, even if it is months after actions begin to change. I guess that in my case that (verbal/written words) would signal to me that XH had recognized that expecting his partner to read minds wasn't a long-term strategy for keeping both partners happy in a R.
