Cadet, I can't ever seem to please you. lol It really isn't an expectation, meaning that for me it doesn't matter whether he does or doesn't. It's detachment at this point.
I'm just curious about MLC and thought this would be a good topic starter.
SA, I received a very crazy apology from my xh approximately 5 1/2 years after he left. The apology was for his behavior and what he had put me through the entire marriage. It was not an apology for what he had done during his mlcing days.
They tend to have moments of clarity and if they are further along in their crisis, they will offer up some half hearted attempts of apologies. Some never provide them and others, once they are through the crisis and feel safer in talking with the lbs will apologize or actually begin talking about the destruction.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly's post made total sense in terms of my xh's apology. The moment he started to dig a little deeper than the moment of clarity and began to look at the overall destruction was the point at which it all became too much.
Fwiw I have come to believe one reason why so many remain stuck is not down to anything we have done or failed to do, but to their own inability to face the destruction, which has gone far beyond the marriage.
Do you wise ones believe that some MLCer's can't face the issues that were at the core of their MLC? Is that why some possibly seem to stay stuck? That it's just easier to blame the LBS and marriage than to deal with their deep down inner issues? I am assuming that some never probably even make the connection.
I also know that no marriage is perfect, but in reading about the reasons the MLCer gives for leaving the marriage, a lot of them seem so superficial and petty.
SA, I firmly believe they face their issues or the destruction that have created. You have to remember, these are people who have not "owned" their issues. Many of them are conflict avoiders/passive/agressive individuals. Very seldom will they admit that they've done something wrong and it will always be the other parties' fault.
Bottom line, no marriage is going to be perfect. There are always going to be some issues that crop up, but most of these issues can be resolved if both parties work together. The mlcers can't justify why they left us, so they come up with petty things, i.e., just like kids.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As snodderly said, no marriage is going to be perfect. I think marriage is one of the hardest jobs in life. But, the rewards should offset the hard work. So many people are only looking for the rewards. If you got paid a weekly wage for staying married, would people work better to stay married?
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Fwiw I have come to believe one reason why so many remain stuck is not down to anything we have done or failed to do, but to their own inability to face the destruction, which has gone far beyond the marriage.
I agree with Beatrice, the destruction goes far beyond the relationship of being husband and wife. Depending on how the LBS handled the mlc'r, so many other people/friends/family have been affected as well.
My H has not said 'gee sorry', nor verbalized what he did and how it drug us down. I do think that as we continue to heal us, that conversation will still come to us. I'm not necessarily looking forward to that time, I think we will hurt again, and then grow forward.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Sometimes I think there are unspoken apologies, ones where actions speak louder than words. Especially, from ones that have a hard time expressing feelings.
I agree with Beatrice, the destruction goes far beyond the relationship of being husband and wife. Depending on how the LBS handled the mlc'r, so many other people/friends/family have been affected as well.
I don't think the destruction depends on how the LBS handled the MLCer. That places a responsibility on the LBS which actually lies with the MLCer. They often treat their family and friends with total contempt and great unkindness. There is NOTHING that the LBS can do about that. We are already carrying a great burden, especially if we have children, being a single parent. I try to behave with kindness and dignity, but I am not responsible for the destruction which my xh caused.
I haven't posted in awhile, but check in often to see what you and others write. There is much wisdom here for LBSers at all stages of this journey. Many times I find nuggets of validation or a different perspective that helps me to move another step forward on my journey. Many thanks to you, beatrice, snodderly, WCW, Antonia, Cadet, and many, many more for continuing to post.
Something you wrote above caught my attention and I am curious to hear folks' perspective on this.
Originally Posted By: seeking anwers
Sometimes I think there are unspoken apologies, ones where actions speak louder than words. Especially, from ones that have a hard time expressing feelings.
This is one aspect of DBing that has never been very clear to me. In all the time I spent talking with Jody my impression was that I shouldn't expect XH to offer a spoken/written apology (although it can happen). I agree that it would be very difficult for anyone to apologize directly after so much water had gone under the bridge (although some do). However, if the WAS doesn't offer a spoken/written acknowledgement that they played a role in the M difficulties, how do you know that the WAS isn't just sweeping what happened under the carpet again, as I think many of them are prone to do. Having been raised by an alcoholic mother, XH had difficulty asking for what he needed. If he had to ask for something that he needed emotionally (i.e. nurturing, $ex), the value of that exchange was greatly devalued. He wanted me to be able to anticipate his needs (i.e. mind read) and meet them.
I'm not disagreeing with you SA about your statement, just wondering what folks think about how you can know if the MLCers actions signal a recognition of their role in the M problems. I would think that at some point there needs to be a verbal/written acknowledgement of some type for real healing to occur, even if it is months after actions begin to change. I guess that in my case that (verbal/written words) would signal to me that XH had recognized that expecting his partner to read minds wasn't a long-term strategy for keeping both partners happy in a R.
