and thank you DG! I didn't want to leave any of you out. All your posts meant so much to me today and although made me cry like a baby, really helped soothe the 'beast' of depression.
Your words resonate with me like no ones business. The post you made about being lovable in the beginning, yes, gosh-darn I was! I was a truly HAPPY single woman. I wanted to find love, yes, but I was fine on my own. MOre than fine. I loved my life, friends, job, and condo. I was complete.
Giving up many of those aspects has made me lose myself a bit. Now i just have to figure out how to get back to that point, without going back to 'downtown socialite, party girl'.
I will check out the post your refer to in B.F'ings thread. I am trying to read every single thing I can with gusto to give me a new perspective on this.
Thank you again, not just for me, but for all the people you take the time to help on this board.
I hope you didn't think I was ignoring you.... I've been away from the computer all day- and I come home to find *this* has been going on.......
You are so brave to post such vulnerable feelings- I'm so proud of you for reaching out to this board.
Everyone has reminded you that you *ARE* worthy of love and having a wonderful life- with or without him. There are thousands of good and positive traits that you posses which deserve to be seen by friends and family.
I hit a low point about 12 years ago (not going to divulge details)... short story: I had a full bottle of valium & percocet, and I took half before I started throwing up (probably from all the water I was chugging to get handfuls of pills down). I don't know how many got in my system, or how long I passed out after throwing up.... but my boyfriend (at the time) found me and got to the hospital in time.
At that ^^^^^ time, I couldn't see any reason to continue or that life would ever get any better...... BUT IF I had succeeded 12 years ago, here's all the things I would have missed: *meeting the love of my life *graduating college *going to Paris and London for my honeymoon *giving birth to 2 beautiful boys *buying my own business *THOUSANDS!! of laughs, kisses and hugs from a wonderful man
Yes, I would also not have to experience this pain of my love leaving me- which is 100x worse than the pain I felt 12 years ago.... but I would never forsake all of those wonderful experiences by taking my life away from my boys, my family and not even my H.
Through LOTS of therapy back then, I got a few coping strategies- this one in particular has kept me sane all these years.... and I even had to do it again recently:
Make a list of 5 people that you would talk to IF you were thinking about suicide, the first one being the most helpful person. Make a "calling contract" with this lost of people.... when you ever start to feel suicidal again, you MUST start at the top and call each person on the list- and tell them why- before you 'do the deed'.
It's pretty morbid to think about, but the effect is overwhelming. I've only ever gotten through the first 2 people on my list.... and I'm still here.
You ARE important. You ARE valuable. You WILL be missed if you're gone.
Please don't stop posting- it's our only lifeline to you.....
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((111)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) i know it seems excessive, but it had to get all the way to Canada.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Oh and 25, I am not religious. I wish I was as faith would probably help a lot right now, but I can't be a fairweather worshiper.
YES it does and can and will help....but fyi, I talk about God here more than anywhere else...
Guess I'm more a "storm weather worshipper"- as I often forget to do the gratitude of attitude when things are good.
But when things go to hell, I'm leaning on HIM big time.
He doesn't seem to mind. (OMG--Maybe he's a doormat for me?? Or I'm a cake eater!?? And a WAS who does "touch and go's" w/ the Big Guy.....whatevs)...
He gets that we're flawed, but here's the deal.
for me, saying "He KNOWS me...And he loves me Anyhow"...
means that he accepts me as I am...warts and all. I need that...it helps me a lot.
The essence of YOU, the woman you were before you met your SO,
is still there. Underneath the pain and regret and anger and FEAR...is that same
joyful spirit and loving approach to life in you-it is hurt but it's alive...and that's who God knows you to be and who you really are.
I hope you will find a "faith" in something/someone greater or stronger or wiser than you feel right now &
reach out, and lean on it/them.
If you are open to it, there's a book called "Blue Like Jazz" (author-Doug Miller I think) that strengthened my faith when it was really ebbing.
It has a lot of essays that are entertaining & thought provoking, so you don't have a dense text book or huge treatise.
He's also funny, which is huge to me AND darn hard to be when you're talking about faith and ethics today.
No I didn't agree with all of his positions
but he got me to see God in a new way that felt...idk, more comfortable, friendly & modern, I suppose.
Hope I don't sound too trendy with that. Anyhow, we're all sending you good stuff. And yes, -prayers too! Can't hurt and
according to my daughter, at age 9, if you have not been praying lately, then "you get extra noticed up there when you do"....
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
111- you haven't posted since last night..... I'm getting a little nervous.
Please post something this morning so we know you're ok
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
