It is an odd thing - I always knew that my xh was PA, and I knew that it was rooted in his childhood, I also knew that his MLC was also a result of his upbringing, it wasn't until I joined up the dots that I saw it with SUCH clarity. Thank you.
When I meant 'fix ourselves' I meant recover from the abuse, and deal with any aspects of ourselves WE do not like. For too long I was the person my h wanted. Our marriage endured because much of it was also what I wanted to be.
But the appearing to wake up and apologise profusely, mixed in with other weird behaviours, including a requirement that I take full responsibility for the demise of our marriage, and a lot, and I mean a lot of verbal abuse, post bomb I can see as part of a pattern.
And you are right, anything that requires them really looking at themselves is right out. They might pay lip service to it, but do not engage. The behaviour appears as narcissism at times, but I have always been wary of that label, because there are things about narcissism that do not fit. They exhibit narcissistic type behaviours, without, I think being full blown ones.
They adore being victims. When my xh 'flipped' and went into MLC, he changed dramatically, but I can now see covert behaviours that became overt, and out of control. That is what he now seems - PA out of control, so it is visible. It is actually quite frightening. Utterly unpredictable. That is the only thing you can rely on - the entirely unexpected.
