What you say about PA behaviour makes a lot of sense. It explains to me why there are [at least] two types of MLC behaviour from the WAS. Some are 'nice' and some are 'nasty' But the aim is the continued engagement of the former spouse.
Even after all of this time my xh still does not entirely leave me alone. Sometimes nice, often full of anger [Why??? it is insane, he has all he claims he ever wanted]
These people are toxic. It doesn't matter if you are kind, loving, accepting, confrontational. Anything you say or do will be twisted into their mad script.
It is abuse, and in the early stages of posting here, there are often clear signs of trauma from the lbs.
I have never been treated as badly as my xh has treated me by a friend, let alone a close one. I am not nursing that hurt, simply stating a fact. He lied, betrayed, abused and stole from me, without shame or compunction. This is not normal behaviour, but the whole time he was telling me it was my fault. Occasionally they change the track and say it isn't us it is them, but do not seek to change themselves. Indeed they regard any attempt to change as an attack on their personal integrity.
Oddly enough I think anger at their behaviour is an appropriate response. Not to remain angry, but to recognise that victims of abuse need to go through a period of anger in order to move on: to recognise that what happened was not right, not their fault. By all means fix ourselves, but part of that fix is to stop, once and for all, enabling abuse.
