you have my sympathy I know how you have suffered.
Realizing that you could never achieve a normal fulfilling relationship with a P A partner who is unwilling to change, is very liberating.
For me the past is no longer so nostalgic in the light of my realization. I have been conned! Shame they don't teach us the signs at school.
They are masters at covert abuse, great actors. Being on the receiving end of P A behavior really is crazy making. You seem to act with your instincts (which are correct) but then (they convince you too) your thoughts tell you your reaction is illogical and unreasonable?
Did you find yourself getting angry, getting a convincing show of 'genuine' confusion and distress from YOUR 'victim', then apologizing for YOUR unreasonable behavior, and then sinking into depression at how badly YOU behaved towards such a nice calm loving person, and finally agreeing with them just how unreasonable your emotional requests are?
The worst thing is there are support groups for other types of (and illegal) abuse. This covert mental abuse is just as nasty if not worse because it is so insidious and if you let it it will destroy you mentally.
Did your H have the same condescending arrogance as my W.
My W has always taken it as a right 'to be happy every day'. She claimed to be a happy person and it was me who made her unhappy. I now see she has carried a low level depression throughout her life. The PA will always externalize both their hoped for source of happiness and the reasons for their actual unhappiness. Nothing is in their control they are not masters of their fate nor captains of their souls.
Unless they change they will never achieve happiness. My wife wants to find the person who will make her feel secure. Not realizing her part in her own unhappiness and insecurity.
The shame is PA behavior apparently responds well to therapy and as we see here people who come through MLC do find the inner peace and contentment they have missed all their lives.
My W tracked me down yesterday to tell me 'none of this is your fault I am to blame for everything'. Genuine or manipulative, you can't tell with a PA partner.
I am ambivalent if she comes good and becomes a loving partner I will be pleased. If she chooses to continue as before, well I ain't missing much!! I will not grieve for the loss of this relationship, it really was an illusion. I suspect she is already on the hunt for the next victim.
Incidentally neither of my sons seem to miss her presence, and they too have most likely been on the receiving end of some PA mind games.
Kimmerz I wish you the very, very best and I hope you find your own inner peace and happiness, if you have not already. Remember you at least ARE the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.
