My W took off today in such a bad state which lead to my postings this afternoon. I got a nice text from her just now that gives me hope that she and then maybe we, can pull out of this.
Her - "I needed this day to think. I appreciate your patience and understanding. I know this is not easy. I have a lot to confront, sort out, deal with. I need to get my life organized and simplified. I need to let go of worry and fear. I need to grow up in many ways. I am doing the best I can."
Me - " You have anything from me that you need."
I know her. I need to keep the squirrel metaphor in mind. She can be quite skittish if I approach her in a big way or get too verbal which overwhelms her. I dont want to scare her back into her crisis mode. So, I quietly offer her support by my actions and let her state of mind lead the way.
Her texting me like this gives me some hope that she can conquer this in the right environment, and I'm part of the right environment I think. I think I need to take Brklyn's advise and keep my days simple so that I will not burn out. I keep thinking that if this roller coaster is so tough on me then it must be way tougher on her because she's the one in the crisis, and she risked losing her H and family in the process. Very, very tough for her.
You should be so proud of yourself for your chill, loving but not over bearing response.
Also she gave a hint as to how to help - "I need to get my life organized and simplifed"
Can you afford a cleaning service once or twice a month? now they also have professional organizers? would offering this be too pushy?? Help her with her car mataintance so she doesnt need to think about? Order take out! Eat on paper plates. Send your laundry to the laundry mat for wash & fold or have your sons do the laundry.
Just some thoughts but I am sure that you know a million more ways to take the load off. Definitely dont go on vacation now she needs you to make things easy for her
So awesome that she gave you that hint. More amazing that you are sympathic to her crisis, that is hard for me sometimes
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Brklyn ....thanks for responding..I will give some thought to your suggestions about helping her get organized...and she really does need it. I think this hint means more that she needs this mindset to develop for herself. She keeps telling me she drifts from thing to thing with no real plan and also ruled by her fears.
But I will be continuing to think of ways to help her. She starts her photography course at the museum this week and I think that will really help her.
very positive. and very wise with the "squirrel metaphor. Sounds like you have a good idea how to proceed and that patience will continue to be needed. Best of luck as you (and W) proceed!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Really glad the day ended so much better for you than when it started. I guess the emotional roller coaster is running round the clock these days.
I really like some of the helpful ideas that Bklyn posted for your consideration. Hopefully you can find a way to incorporate some of these ideas.
I'm a little mixed though on the best approach for how to work with your W and her emotional crisis. Part of me thinks that she needs a lot of space. Like maybe she needs to go away for awhile or you need to go away just so she feels free to figure things out for herself without the daily reminder of her problems.
My other thought is that while you may need to be there for her, maybe it needs to be way back in the shadows, if you know what I mean. Sort of like, let her know she has a life line to you if she needs it but fade into the background, doing your own thing and give her time and plenty of space. You are in such a delicate situation it is hard to really say what will work best for you.
Regarding all the crap you've been dealing with in the last year, good grief! I'm surprised you have been able to hold it together as well as you have, all things considered.
I guess the old adage is true, what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
Hang in there!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
2TP said - I'm a little mixed though on the best approach for how to work with your W and her emotional crisis. Part of me thinks that she needs a lot of space. Like maybe she needs to go away for awhile or you need to go away just so she feels free to figure things out for herself without the daily reminder of her problems.
Rick said - I don't know. I have never seen anyone figure themselves out when they take off from their life, unless it's someone removing themselves from a toxic environment. Many of her issues have to do with not facing things so her patterns of running away, ducking the issues, defensiveness have not worked for her. She knows this and is doing her best to face this down while trying to meet her daily obligations. Because she is dealing with so much it does knock her down quite often. We have worked out a kind of comprimise. She lives in her own room, which she uses as a kind of big therapy center, she takes off when she needs to think clearly, sometimes day trips (like yesterday), sometimes weekends.
2TP said - My other thought is that while you may need to be there for her, maybe it needs to be way back in the shadows, if you know what I mean. Sort of like, let her know she has a life line to you if she needs it but fade into the background, doing your own thing and give her time and plenty of space. You are in such a delicate situation it is hard to really say what will work best for you.
Rick said - not really sure here either. I've been going with gut instinct, some experience and advise from others, love for her and a pinch of common sense. I think your concept of being in the shadows but letting her see the lifeline to me is sound. Her psychiatrist has said she has arrested development at age 8 from her very serious trauma (long story) and in fact I have always known that before he came up with it. She fully admits that this is what she is dealing with. I see it playing out all the time. She's like at 8 yr old kid who wants the independence, doesn't want the parent hovering nearby but wants them back in the shadows like you say. I see this in her daily. She will say the honorable thing like its not fair that I should suffer through this, that I deserve the comfort of the type relationship I can handle not limited by her hangups, etc. But if she even senses I am pulling away/detaching she really doesn't like it. I have to detach for my own sanity, but I keep my thoughts to myself. I am quietly there for her and don't make any sudden movements. And my detaching triggers another issue she is dealing with....uncontrollable jealousy.
She admits I'm cursed by her issues which gives me two bad sides of the same poisonous coin. On one side her trauma has caused her to not know how to handle a normal relationship with a guy without there being some sort of flirtateous element to it (25 said it best when she compared my W to Marilyn Monroe - same struggles/issues, same trouble in handling it in real life, hopefully not the same ending). She's not comfortable with herself so she keeps handling things in the same destructive manner, and then guys just see this beautiful woman and get mesmerized by her. Then, the other side of the coin is her inability to love while trusting.
It gets tough for me though. I don't live my life ruled by jealousy so she is not limited by me, but she has a real problem in trusting. So when I detach in a way that's visible on the surface it really shakes her. OW, I mean just OW as friends is tough for her.
This is just one aspect, among many others she's dealing with. She didn't plan to have this breakdown but in a way I think its the best thing that ever happened in that its has given her a chance to conguer these things, and maybe this will mean we can have a new M, one where we are operating at a more evolved level.
2, I'm struggling like everybody else. I have my moments of self pity and want to say "f" this. I get these urges to detach in a big way in a self preservation mode. There are moments where I start the inner whining...why am I comforting everbody else and getting none in return....why is so much shyte happening at once, etc.
Hey Rick, I've been catching up on more details of your thread and just wanted to let you know you're in my prayers. There seem to be some common threads between our sitch's. I wouldn't claim to have the intensity of issues that you have with W but can see similar experiences regarding my W and an abusive past and the lost of parents at a young age.
Hope you have a good week. I may have missed this but are you getting any professional support for you in dealing with all that's going on? You must have some very broad emotional shoulders to be handling all this. Looks like the GAL can be a struggle with W's attitude but hope you're finding ways to do this.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
[quote=ces67]Hey Rick, I've been catching up on more details of your thread and just wanted to let you know you're in my prayers. There seem to be some common threads between our sitch's. I wouldn't claim to have the intensity of issues that you have with W but can see similar experiences regarding my W and an abusive past and the lost of parents at a young age.
Hope you have a good week. I may have missed this but are you getting any professional support for you in dealing with all that's going on? You must have some very broad emotional shoulders to be handling all this. Looks like the GAL can be a struggle with W's attitude but hope you're finding ways to do this. [/quote]
Thank you so much for your kind reply. It helps.
I am not getting professional help right now but I was seeing a counselor when this all began, back when I thought this was an issue of a M gone bad. Also, I did about seven sessions with a BD coach. And we had done MC together for a while but it became apparent that this was really more of a breakdown my W was having that needed specific focus on that.
What really helped was this blog because I was able to talk to a number of people who have helped me as I/we worked through the stages of this and an awareness of the real (problems) were coming to light.
I am doing the best I can to hold it all together for everyone - my W's sitch; it's affects on me, kids and everyone close to us; our M on hold so to speak; my parents medical issues; my MIL's recent changeup and its affects on everyone; raising my boys; running the company; handling the home finances by myself and keeping the homefront going, Kelli and I keeping the novel moving forward and me helping her with her DB'ing in the meantime (best friend from childhood so want to help her too), my own life and emotions, etc.
I was talking to my wife about this sitch this morning. She knows that the timing of this is so difficult on everyone and she feels massively guilty about it. I keep reinforcing for her that this is the best thing that could have happened because its allowing her to break free of a lifetime of fear an defensive/protective habits. I think 2TP hit the nail on the head when he suggested I might be there, but in the shadows, with a lifeline there for her to grab as needed. I need to do this without her being always aware that I'm doing it, kind of just quietly there.
I'm hoping this will work for her/us/family. I really don't know how this will play out. I find it hard to imagine her getting through all this, figuring out how she fits into the world and M, then opening back up to me as a H. I can grasp it intellectually as possible but because this crisis has been so long maybe its just hard for me to envision that can actually happen. I hear other stories of marriages succeeding through this kind of thing so maybe for me too.
It's weird but although I want this to work, I have had to rely on myself so much that I'm finding myself preparing for a very different life than I imagined I would lead from here on. I'm thinking in terms of how I want to live if I'm going to be a single dad, how I will redefine my existance without her, what I want to do, where I want to live, etc.
I feel like for reasons only the universe knows I have been drawn into this massive spiritual battle. I will face it with honor for me, for her, for everyone else, and not back down; but I have this sense that I'm going to do this and then be on my own once its over. I heard stories about full reconciliations, I know my W loves me, I know this is really about her and not us and our M is caught up in it, but I'm afraid I've lost the feel or the memory of us being unconstrained together. Our time together is still good and that helps keeping us connected, but I find it hard to see the romance part back. Maybe this is just a natural thing to feel. I continue to act "as if" in the meantime, but I hate the acting part.
