My H walked out almost 7 months ago. And, yes, I wanted to kill myself. I had everything planned out from taking a day off work, writing the letters for my family and H to find and I even had enough pills to do it. I asked God to help me and he did. I opened my facebook and started to look at the pics of my kids. I cried and cried. Then I started to see imagines of my kids growing, getting married and having kids of their own. I didn't want to miss that. I wasn't going to give my H that much power over me. I do wish I could disappear and start a new life, but I can't because of my kids. So, I started to work on myself. And now my H can see it as well and he likes it. We are spending more time together and getting to know each other again.
"It's like you're screaming but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it's over and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so you can have the good."
Then you need to call someone right now, is there a suicide hotline in your town/city? GET ON THE PHONE. You're in pain but pain goes away.
Let me start off by saying I wanted to take a moment and thank and respond to each one of you individually. I don't know how to do it in one post so there will be a few here.
Labug, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for just hearing me.I will always remember that. I do know the pain has gone away, in my past it always does. This just became overwhelming today as Ive been this way since October. Thats a pretty long time and Ig get I kind of 'broke' today
PLEASE call a hotline or go to your local hospital. You have feelings and a plan , but no access. 2 out of 3 still makes me nervous. Please get help now!
Thank god for gun control in this country. I just can't imagine what a horrible mess it would make for the poor person who found me. But in past suicide attempts as a teen, I know, no matter how many drugs I took, I would always live. And believe me, I tried. I guess there is a reason I'm still on the planet. Sure wish I would find out why soon. I appreciate your words and concern.
I haven't read your sitch yet but I sure don't like the sound of your last sentence.
If you truly feel you're that close, please get in touch with a suicide prevention hot line.
One thing I can assure you of and that is most of us have had the same feelings in the beginning. It is called spinning and that's exactly what you're doing.
Do not expect yourself to pull out of this overnight. It didn't happen that fast either. Cut yourself some slack. Put your focus on you. DBing is about saving yourself first. Maybe in the process the M gets saved but that is not the first and foremost issue.
Take care of yourself first, then you can deal with whatever happens in your sitch.
You're not alone, we care.
The thing is that I've been feeling this way for months now, but today it got to be too much. Thanks a lot for sharing your wisdome. It helps to hear I'm not alone, or crazy, or just an idiot for letting someone or something feel so hopeless
I was defensive more about confusion over my position in all this.
Like most - I waffle back and fourth Like most - I have a hard time digesting that the person my S is now is the same person who left back in June (IE: the alien taking over)
This^^^ is normal.
When my younger sister's h of 13 years left her for OW, whom he married 30 days later, another problem for her was that she felt her world view of things was so off, that maybe she was wrong about "Everything." After all, if SHE had not seen THAT coming, what else was she missing?
She began questioning her judgement, and making decisions for her became an ordeal. This went on for some time. My family and I worried a lot about her. I have to say, time alone did not completely heal her. She needed more help and agreed to get it, and the meds DID help her, thank God...
I've been there and done that and believe me, there's no shame in it. Right now you are NOT thinking clearly enough to remember the old strong you. But you are in there.
Right now you have what my doctor calls a 'grief induced thought disorder"...you feel so hurt you think differently and you don't realize this pain is NOT eternal and it's NOT fatal...if you get some help.
was my gut right tho or did I fear it so much that I drove it to become reality?
I really am sorry for your sisters sitch and hers puts mine in perspective a bit. I feel very much the same as what you decribed only the difference is I knew in my heart he would leave eventually. No one would put up with the abuse i PUT Hhim through forever. I am in therapy and on meds, but this time its not getting me over this 'hump'. Tonight I reached out to my sister who is a Psychologist and she is going to see if I can gt fast listed in a program through her contacts. I have been hiding this all from my familty mor or less since Oct. Today I reached my breaking point
Like very few - I have a relatively short history with this man and no children. Minimal paperwork and I can walk away from this
But despite how it looks like from what I've written on here, I am responsible for the R getting to where it is now. I did SO much wrong that I didn't touch on for fear of my initial post being too long
okay let's say it's ALL your fault...(we know it's not but let's say that for a minute)...so you are human. You're flawed. Join the club of mankind...
You made well intended mistakes or got too possessive or insecure and jealous...maybe an instinct kicked in b/c apparently your gut was right...
but if you made mistakes out of anger, that is a fixable problem. These are traits you can work on. That means you LEARN from the mistake and move forward as a better person than before.
That's all any of us can do...
[color:#CC33CC] I intend on never letting my fears of abandoment drive away anyone ever again
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He is responsible for his actions since things went south
I really don't think we will recon. but it doesn't mean that in the meantime... I am having a hard time.
I think once he gets home, I find a place and start to move out, it will be easier on me. Yes it will be easier and clearer, and that time is coming soon.
oh my gosh yes, as much as I hate the day to come as it means its really really over, it needs to come. IIt will realy help with closure for me
Living here... knowing that pretty much 99% we are never going to be together again, is just... friggen hard.
But I made my bed. I chose to stay here to help myself out.
I wonder if I should delete Skype? Hes the only reason I have it, so we could talk while he was on tour.
Perhaps deleting it would help me let go of that. Great idea. Get the heck off Skype. HE can email you if he wants....or if it's uber important he can get on a satellite phone, online, etc...skype is not mandatory over there. My brother is there now and rarely uses skype (But I plan on it when h goes)...get off of it, asap. That's a great step forward for you.
Okay, with your words of encouragement, I had the nads to do it. Done. both on my laptop and Iphone. Gone. I feel liberated
But is it weird that I am afraid to delete it in fear he might WANT to contact me there and I won't get his message?
God I'm a hopeless case. nothing is hopeless. Find yourself asap and get thru the baggage and pain of this r, and be YOU again.
Usually I can shake off feeling suicidal within an hour or so but it's still with me clear as day. If I had access to a gun, I would be dead right now. 100%.
Call someone NOW...and get help.
[color:#CC33CC] Done. called sister and divulged truth finally
I can't recall your GAL activities but we hammer them for a reason. They help.
all of us who are out of the crisis mode say "it gets better" --know that we MEAN IT...
I posted on BarelyFloating's thread, something about Laura Munson. I don't think the r issues are yours but her take on what is empowering-i.e., letting go, is striking.
Check it out...and get back to the strong you.
And keep calling your sister and peeps--I regret the isolating I did at my worst. My room was like a batcave...
you have to overcome that inertia to GAL and reach out.
And btw, my younger sister wallowed too long & scared us all with her depression, but she eventually DID GAL and that's how she got Unstuck.
She eventually went back to school for a nursing degree AND now works full time in a job she finds engaging and satisfying, AND she's in the most normal healthy r of her life, with a great guy. She's just turned 50.
Go figure.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you for much for sharing your painful stories. My heart goes out for you and your families.
Thank you most of all for reminding me of the effect that this would have on others. I don't have a huge family, or many close friends, but, although life would go on for most, those closest to me would falter for a long while. I just can't do this to them, nor my animals. I love them like my children as they are the only 'kids' Im probably going to have
Having real live reminders of those who are left behind always help 'sober me up'.
I did GAL a bit after reading your post GM. I went out and shoveled snow. It was good for the soul.
