waiting for the tides to change

[25yearsmlc]

Oh BF I feel for you...

if I had not had to take my girls to school in the morning I'm sure I'd have stayed in jammies all day and burrowed in.

You already know the GAL stuff is important and that's why we hammer it so much here. Overcoming the inertia ends up being the hard part b/c every time I went out or reached out, I was glad afterwards. But often I withdrew...isolating seemed to be best so I could heal like a wounded animal in the bushes...BUT I also think I was usually wrong to do that.

Isolation was simply easier, it was falling into and wallowing in the inertia. Make no social effort and just get through the day.

Well, after my older sister reminded me of the debacle our younger sister experienced in her divorce, I began to snap out of it by forcing myself to.

**I posted to purg about it but essentially both sisters are divorced and handled it with completely different approaches. My older sister with 3 kids, kept herself together. She took the high road and behaved with as much grace and dignity as she could, and though the kids had some troubles with her ex, they survived. Plus his temper was lousy so s they aged, I'm not sure they'd have been super happy WITH him there anyhow...I mean, don't assume if your h snaps out of it, that all will be well and there are only upsides, you know?
My older sister met a man who "gets" her. She remarried in 2000 and said though she's "sorry about the divorce for the kids, she'd never go back" to what she had with her ex now that she has a good marriage...SHE now knows she is her h's priority in life and it shows.


My younger sister wallowed and floundered and never looked inside herself for her role in the affair her h had, or the demise of the m. It was all about how HE had hurt her and she "loved him so much" etc...she seemed to think that the more she wallowed, and the longer, the more it proved her love. He had remarried already so it definitely did not matter to HIM...

Worse, she did NOT attract much good in her life then, b/c all she put "out there" was negative, gloomy and cynical...Not fun...and it was, frankly, hard to be around her after months -eventually 3 years--of her circling the drain.

She did not see the connection between what we radiate and what we attract. (Another reason "fake it til you make it" is a good idea).

I'm telling you, she was STUCK until she GAL.


As for your own personal sitch, since your h is so vague about all your flaws and he isn't storming off raging with blame - then I'd say it's even more important that you back off and let him go to his task.

Laura Munson writes about her h wanting out of the marriage and all the commitments/responsibilities and how she coped. She didn't buy it. I will post it to you later if I can figure out how.

I am NOT saying it's an approach that will work for you or your sitch.

But your h sounds a lot like he's motivated to see all about the greener grass on the other side of the fence. He wants out, or so he believes.


IF you divorce & don't reconcile, and I had a crystal ball -my guess is that in 5 years--

he'll either be single and depressed, or remarried - but in the same situation he's in now..wondering about what else there is OUTSIDE of himself that could "make him happy"...though he may never admit it again.

Give him a lot of lead here. Back off. Assume he's done, and you are moving on and let him see that. But let him see that you realize YOU are a great catch and that you KNOW other men will get that b/c it's true. Your h takes you for granted in a gigantic way.

The kids? They will suffer- I won't deny that. But as your wonderful articulate friend points out, they'll also survive and more, b/c of YOU.

And you don't have a lot of choice for this part of your journey. He's off...and the kids lack their dad.

But given the growth I see and hear in your words, here's my crystal ball for YOU...
IF you divorce,

I see you finding yourself first, and fully realizing how empowered you are as a woman on her own. THEN I see another man in your life...a man whom you come to love, and who loves you back fully.

Don't discount the strong possibility that as a result of a divorce--with growth--
your children could have a much more positive, expressive example of a healthy marriage - than your present h may be able to achieve, ever, with anyone...b/c he doesn't know the problem is within him & b/c maybe he's just not up to it...you did marry young (me too).

Oh sure, you two have fallen into some negative dynamics that need work

and you have your "Issues" to work on and fix in your sandbox...we get that. We're all just flawed folks here.

But essentially, I see your h as a weak man who wishes he were not selfish, but caves into it...he wants to be better, which is good.

But he may not want it enough to do the work it takes--or get the tools for it....we don't know yet.

Whereas- I see you as the type of woman who can swallow her pride and look in the mirror to bravely face what's ailing her inside,

and to make changes she needs and to put her children first.

That's called character. And it's a tad heroic these days.

You sound articulate and intelligent here, and you have the kind of friends who speak so well of you that you simply MUST be fun, loyal, witty and generous or you would not have those friends...

The kids have pain NOW and I'd let them tell HIM about it, let them ask HIM the questions they ask you...let them share their pain with him galore.

And I'd let him have alone time with them galore too. Forget always being there for him. He needs to form one on one r's with them anyhow, even if you were still married. I didn't see the value of that before h's crisis. But it is true.

And in your case, your h needs to stand on his own 2 feet and man up. Part of that will be facing fatherhood as a single man (part time for God's sake...)

and dealing with the financial poop that divorce creates.

As a married man envisioning the single life, most men come to see that they were delusional in their fantasies...even if they have OWs in mind...b/c you see, OWs are human too--flawed...and they are not the mothers of his children.

My oldest brother is funny, smart and has no temper. But he's also a lousy h and a benignly neglectful dad.

He left his first w -a wonderful womant. Idiot...but eventually they both remarried.

As a dad, He Loves his 1st d, but he moved away from her for a job he later lost and didn't move back to be near her, his only child at the time... See I don't get that. My other brothers would never dream of being away from their kids...He'd see his d every 4-6 weeks...called her weekly I think, but he's more like a kindly uncle than a dad. I thought my niece would suffer a lot. She didn't.

First, my brother was never the uber involved dad he should have been in the first place, so she didn't even notice his absence for a few weeks, and 2nd, her mom remarried a great guy who has been a real father figure to my niece, so she got her "daddy" fixes...

My sil is much happier now in a r that is the priority in her life AND in her 2nd h's life (over 11 years now)...my brother just is not capable of sustaining that.

When he began dating (Which he'd imagined he'd do with super models who earn 6 figures but, um, not so much...or ever....)

he soon came to see that most women DO have certain expectations of their significant other. Like calling, asking them how THEY are, giving a crap. And he's not mature in that sense. A part of him knows he effed up but it's too late now. My x sil moved on and she simply did not "get" that there was better out there until my brother forced her to find out. He remarried a kind gentle heavy set woman who has almost no expectations of him..and they have a d now, she's raising on her own b/c now that he got his 2nd chance with another child and could actually be there for her (he's 57)..instead he's in Afghanistan, again...has volunteered FIVE times to go over there. He's civilian and isn't crucial to the mission. He bores easily and likes the excitement and stories from being there, AND having to give almost no emotional efforts to others... it's all about HIM and what he's doing/seeing...


Do I believe someday he'll regret all that he missed? Yes I do. When he sees his 2nd d making a step (IF he does) he'll know he missed the first...every thing he witnesses this child do, he'll know he missed his first one doing.

If he doesn't show up for this child too, it may not be til his death bed that he gets it if then.

My father told me his regrets when he had weeks to live. I'd hate to die with so much remorse for things left unsaid or undone or unshared...

So realize that your h is losing so much more than you are...let that sink in.

As he comes to sense your belief of that, he may awaken to the reality of it too.

Your life will be partly defined by the rich loving relationships you have in it.

What will HIS be made up of?

((( )))