Also. I was just informed my W is having a very tough time this weekend being away from kids. Angst is high. What I don't get is if this is killing her why not focus the energy on fixing our marriage. Sort of pisses me off a bit. I know I'm not even close to detached so I can say it. If you hate not seeing your kids then work on the M. Seems to logical to me
Also this on a complete tangent. Met with my counselor last week. As close of a match I could find to solution based counseling. The topic of affairs came up. I told my counselor that I told my wife if she had ever had an A on me that the marriage would be over. My counselor proceeded to tell me I shouldnt have said that. That if she happened to have one she would be afraid to tell you and she wouldn't tell you. What are everyones thoughts on that. At this point I can't retract that statement to my W. I mean we are physically S. Again a tangent but thought it was interesting. My wife treats me like there is another M. But im not sure if she is just hurt and angry from the last 5 years of our poor marriage
Hye NM, the effects of detaching can show up as spew from our WASs.
What I mean by in a sense is, they aren't necessarily angry at us because we are detaching, per say. They are unlikely to even understand that is what we are doing.
If we don't react to the normal buttons, our spouses are not getting their expected results. We are acting differently and it is frustrating, because they are likely pushing our buttons to get the negative reactions so they can continue to justify not wanting to be with us.
As we detach, we are likely to be generally "happier", which to our WASs, likely means we are cold and callous, because how could we be happy when our M is breaking down?
In our detachment, we are likely to be more outgoing and doing GAL stuff... this could have an effect of, how dare we do things without them, we must be cold, callous, and uncaring, no wonder why they are leaving us...
And the 180s... well, they can't be real... they MUST be some form of manipulation to get them back... and they won't stick, anyhow...
And in the end, if they are noticing our changes, then their anger may come out at us, not because they are mad at us, but because maybe... just maybe... they could have been wrong about us and their decision...
The counselor pretty much echos what you will often hear on this board. It is not that we want the A rubbed in our faces, but they are likely to take the affair deeper under ground so that it will be very difficult for us to know if it ends... which can be very beneficial to our sitchs, of course...
Also, telling our spouses that the M would be over if there was an A... well... if we don't file D when we find out about the A... what does that say about us meaning what we say?
So this Myrtle beach trip I could expect some back lash.
What my counselor was saying is I should have never early on told my wife that if there was an A it would me instant over. I told her this long ago before we even had issues. Counselor said by me stating that if my W did happen to have an A she would be afraid to tell me even if she wanted to R. Make sense? It just seems the way she is treating me there maybe a slight possibility of EA or PA going on now.
Also i'm readying DR and really seems like lots of the techniques are geared toward the spouse that is still in the house. Am I wrong? I am not 1/2 through it yet but that is what I am getting. Good info to have if I was still at home.
Also seems her DR examples are about spouses that leave the house because they are unhappy. In my case I was asked to leave the house because of the damage I created in the marriage. MWD talks about the spouse moving back and giving 2nd chance. In my case I would have to be asked to move back. It is so hard not talking about the R at all.
Something that happened this weekend..
Perfect real life example. Me and W are suppose to have a parenting schedule but be flexible. In other words if the kids are having a tough time we will have flex so either parent can see the kids. Last weekend was her weekend and I got to see the kids a little bit because son was asking to see me etc.. This weekend was my weekend. My W was apparently having lots of trouble being away from the kids because I have them Wed overnight, Thursday she fell ill so I had them again overnight, and then it happened to be my weekend. So that is 4 overnights without her seeing them that much. She admitted to extreme angst the last 3 days. I'm sure it was because of this but no clue. I offered to let her take son to activity today. She turned it down. I offered for her to spend some time with the kids today and she turned it down. I truly wasn't trying to pursue her but show her the same respect and flexibility she has given me. Why would she allow me to come to her house and see kids on non parent weekend but not take me up on it. I didn't question her declines. I just said that is ok. That is tough for me to swallow a bit. Almost like she is proving she can make it a whole weekend without seeing them. I know I struggle not seeing them. Anyways now I'm thinking offering that time with the kids was wrong to do.
Really... detach... LRT... 180s... GAL... DBing... it is ALL ABOUT YOU! The person who is reading the book, following the DB principals, and wanting to save their M.
DBing is not at all focused on the other spouse. There are simply examples of, "When non-DBing spouse is acting [this way] or saying [these things], the DBing spouse may get positive, personal results by [doing this]."
You mentioned in the previous post about how DB/DR appears to "be a certain way". The truth is, as I mentioned above, DBing is a tool to help the spouse who is trying to save or improve an M.
Unfortunately, many of the people who pick up the book or find themselves here are pretty much at the "do or die" stage... so LRT is often the prescribed material.
While the books refer a lot to both spouses being in the same home, it does not mean that has to be the case for a technique to be effective. It just means that the technique may take a little longer to be noticed.
There is certainly allowance for fairly liberal interpretation of the books. No, DBing and the books aren't for the person who stayed in the house or the person who was betrayed. Plenty of people who have had As have used DBing effectively. Plenty of WAS are using DBing effectively...
Hope that makes sense and is helpful in some way. Keep asking questions as you need them clarified. Hopefully if I am off on anything, someone else will pop in and set the record straight...
So this Myrtle beach trip I could expect some back lash.
What my counselor was saying is I should have never early on told my wife that if there was an A it would me instant over. I told her this long ago before we even had issues. Counselor said by me stating that if my W did happen to have an A she would be afraid to tell me even if she wanted to R. Make sense? It just seems the way she is treating me there maybe a slight possibility of EA or PA going on now.
Also i'm readying DR and really seems like lots of the techniques are geared toward the spouse that is still in the house. Am I wrong? I am not 1/2 through it yet but that is what I am getting. Good info to have if I was still at home.
Also seems her DR examples are about spouses that leave the house because they are unhappy. In my case I was asked to leave the house because of the damage I created in the marriage. MWD talks about the spouse moving back and giving 2nd chance. In my case I would have to be asked to move back. It is so hard not talking about the R at all.
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Something that happened this weekend..
Perfect real life example. Me and W are suppose to have a parenting schedule but be flexible. In other words if the kids are having a tough time we will have flex so either parent can see the kids. Last weekend was her weekend and I got to see the kids a little bit because son was asking to see me etc.. This weekend was my weekend. My W was apparently having lots of trouble being away from the kids because I have them Wed overnight, Thursday she fell ill so I had them again overnight, and then it happened to be my weekend. So that is 4 overnights without her seeing them that much. She admitted to extreme angst the last 3 days. I'm sure it was because of this but no clue. I offered to let her take son to activity today. She turned it down. I offered for her to spend some time with the kids today and she turned it down. I truly wasn't trying to pursue her but show her the same respect and flexibility she has given me. Why would she allow me to come to her house and see kids on non parent weekend but not take me up on it. I didn't question her declines. I just said that is ok. That is tough for me to swallow a bit. Almost like she is proving she can make it a whole weekend without seeing them. I know I struggle not seeing them. Anyways now I'm thinking offering that time with the kids was wrong to do.
Didn't have a chance to address the post above, last night.
First, I thought your comment about what your counselor said, was interesting. Someone else here had just mentioned their counselor said the same thing. And in my opinion... it is absolutely correct. For a number of reasons. But mostly, if you don't follow through on an ultimatum... what's the point... "our word" becomes empty...
Some of the interactions that we have with our spouses may need their interpretations re-framed. Yes, there is pursuing... and then... there are "these things are done for the kids" or "I would do this for any friend" type of things.
The idea is, everything you do should be focused first on you, and second on your kids... no other reason or focus necessary.
You are the only one who can say if what you did was intended to be pursuing. Based on how you wrote it, it was. Had you indicated that the kids were all out of sorts for the change in routine, you made suggestions to help the kids be comfortable... that would have not been pursuing... Your true intentions play a huge role in all of this.
Changing your words will not change your intentions. Change your intentions and your words will change. And so will your actions. And so will your M...
Thanks KD. Sometimes I just don't know what to do. Even today I'm suppose to have them until 6 but I feel bad and will give them up early considering I had them since Wed night. The kid compromise is a fine line between detach, pursuing, and just being nice and flexible. I miss my kids and want them as much as I can. Especially when it comes to sleepovers. Ugh.
