Confused... Need a little Guidance

[DBinSF]

I was thinking of sending her this note:

M -

Your text the other day was a sad reminder that you still harbor a lot of anger and resentment towards me, and I realize that there's no hope in having a fruitful conversation as long as you are still in that space. You're allowed to feel however you feel, but I am powerless over how you feel at this point. I have apologized, and I have done the work to correct my defects of character. Frankly, I've come to a pretty amazing place -- an inner peace and sense of deep gratitude I never though possible. If you have the ability to look past the past and find out for yourself who I am today, that is wonderful. But I have no interest in convincing you of that fact. That's something you need to come to on your own.

I want to be angry with you for popping back into my life only to slam the door in my face again, but at the end of the day, all I feel for you is love and compassion. I can tell by your hurtful behavior towards me that you are still hurting inside. I know that for me, the more I steep in my own resentment and victimhood, the less I heal and grow. What makes me sad is that I feel like your insistence on holding on to this resentment keeps US from being US again. I still go for trail runs and spend my days doing great things, and I'm willing to share some of that with you, but first it's your turn to do the work on your end to let go of what WAS and start accepting what IS today.

I have come to accept and love you for who you are, Miriam. I accept your faults, your fears, your past, and your own transgressions against me. I love your talents, your quirks, your shyness and your shine. If you can come to respect the work I've done and accept me for who I am today (which is not the same as pretending the hurtful things of the past never happened), I think we can have a mutually respectful friendship, and potentially more. But as long as you continue to abuse me with guilt and shame, define me by my past mistakes, and knock on my proverbial door to see if I'm "still there" only to slam it in my face as soon as I open up, I prefer not to have any contact with you at all. It's really hard to say that, but these resentful exchanges do not serve either of us. I hope you can respect that boundary.

Warmly,
E