I put all my eggs in this basket - my R, my wedding, our lives. I gave up my condo, my friends and even switched jobs so that i could be the perfect "military wife". But I wanted to do that, he didn't make me.
Then I let my insecurities pick away at a really GOOD R. The most loving R. He was so happy to have me in his life and couldn't wait to marry me. he told me this in one way or anther every single day, but I didn't believe him. I tested him, I accused him of stuff he didn't do, I broke up with him every fight we got in, and I told him I didn't need him and could walk away at any time.
We fought like this right up until the day he deployed.
No wonder he fell out of love.
True love can only be tested for so long before you say F it!
Then when the woman he met in A-Stan, I high ranking diplomat. She is worldly and rich, and younger than me, presented herself, he took it (I think... I still don't have a confirmation on that.. just a message from her to him)
A lot of what I have here is assumptions, because with him so far away I don't know.
Everytime something happens its like day one all over again.
OH and by the way.... the email he sent saying "I don't love you, I don't need you and I don't want you in my life" came after I sent him a message re: the POW. I just said her name and bascially thanked him for making it easy for me to break it off with him. I then said I was thinking of putting the dog in the kennel and leaving his house and moving out.
He never kicked me out.
It was after that final email from him that I FELT like I needed to ask permission to stay. It's called calling someones bluff and ONE too many times, and it failing, miserably.
I'll tell you I have had those same thoughts during this process. Get outside and do something!! Someday, I promise, you will look back on this from a VERY good place. When I had those thoughts I was bolstered by the folks here, the fact that spouse is another person and my happiness is not contigent upon their approval of me, and the simplest thing as corny as it sounds - get outside in what I call the "resource". There you will have no distractions or reminders. You see the trees, the birds, squirells etc...they do not care what is going on in our sitchs and they are doing their thing despite what we have. That to me, is always very comforting seeing entropy and nature in action. Simple beauty there that is uncomplicated by our drama. Suicide is a permanent solution to a TEMPORARY problem.
You will look back on this very painful time some day and you will be glad you did not take the easy way out. Nobody, I repeat, nobody is worth you sacrificing all you have or will ever have. Get outside!!
Ray
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
I was defensive more about confusion over my position in all this.
Like most - I waffle back and fourth Like most - I have a hard time digesting that the person my S is now is the same person who left back in June (IE: the alien taking over)
This^^^ is normal.
When my younger sister's h of 13 years left her for OW, whom he married 30 days later, another problem for her was that she felt her world view of things was so off, that maybe she was wrong about "Everything." After all, if SHE had not seen THAT coming, what else was she missing?
She began questioning her judgement, and making decisions for her became an ordeal. This went on for some time. My family and I worried a lot about her. I have to say, time alone did not completely heal her. She needed more help and agreed to get it, and the meds DID help her, thank God...
I've been there and done that and believe me, there's no shame in it. Right now you are NOT thinking clearly enough to remember the old strong you. But you are in there.
Right now you have what my doctor calls a 'grief induced thought disorder"...you feel so hurt you think differently and you don't realize this pain is NOT eternal and it's NOT fatal...if you get some help.
Like very few - I have a relatively short history with this man and no children. Minimal paperwork and I can walk away from this
But despite how it looks like from what I've written on here, I am responsible for the R getting to where it is now. I did SO much wrong that I didn't touch on for fear of my initial post being too long
okay let's say it's ALL your fault...(we know it's not but let's say that for a minute)...so you are human. You're flawed. Join the club of mankind...
You made well intended mistakes or got too possessive or insecure and jealous...maybe an instinct kicked in b/c apparently your gut was right...
but if you made mistakes out of anger, that is a fixable problem. These are traits you can work on. That means you LEARN from the mistake and move forward as a better person than before.
That's all any of us can do...
He is responsible for his actions since things went south
I really don't think we will recon. but it doesn't mean that in the meantime... I am having a hard time.
I think once he gets home, I find a place and start to move out, it will be easier on me. Yes it will be easier and clearer, and that time is coming soon.
Living here... knowing that pretty much 99% we are never going to be together again, is just... friggen hard.
But I made my bed. I chose to stay here to help myself out.
I wonder if I should delete Skype? Hes the only reason I have it, so we could talk while he was on tour.
Perhaps deleting it would help me let go of that. Great idea. Get the heck off Skype. HE can email you if he wants....or if it's uber important he can get on a satellite phone, online, etc...skype is not mandatory over there. My brother is there now and rarely uses skype (But I plan on it when h goes)...get off of it, asap. That's a great step forward for you.
But is it weird that I am afraid to delete it in fear he might WANT to contact me there and I won't get his message?
God I'm a hopeless case. nothing is hopeless. Find yourself asap and get thru the baggage and pain of this r, and be YOU again.
Usually I can shake off feeling suicidal within an hour or so but it's still with me clear as day. If I had access to a gun, I would be dead right now. 100%.
Call someone NOW...and get help.
I can't recall your GAL activities but we hammer them for a reason. They help.
Reach out now...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just wanted to echo everyone's sentiments here. I had a suicidal stage many years ago, but if I'd gone through with it, I'd have missed so much in life that means so much to me now. It's SO HARD to see through the pain, but like everything else in life, it's only temporary. There WILL be brighter days. If you can't see this, please find someone who can help lift the fog.
You must take care of yourself, and it sounds like the best way for you to do that right now is to find someone to talk to. Go to a church, call a hotline, just don't sit by yourself with these thoughts. Please.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
See this is the problem GM, I don't think this is a temp solution anymore.
In my younger years, learning to deal with depression, I a really good at seeing through the fog.
This is the first time in my life where the other side is clearer than the present.
The other side doens't hold hope or possibility. It only shows my failure at being a good human being to a person who loved me from the bottom of his heart. It shows me a life that I really don't want anymore. I wish I could bestow my good health on someone who wants to live and die for that person.
Hey, my depression a self-loathing drove my wife away. When that happeded I lost my proverbeal sh!t in a BIG way! I stood on that ledge just eight weeks ago - I came sooo close. Now with the help of the folks here, my shrink, my fiends, and Prozac I still hurt but it is so much different now. Listen to 25. There is no shame in this. Just like Yoda says (lol) - "do or do not, there is no try". yeah i'm a geek..
You will get through this. This venue is tough. Wish I could be there in person for ya.
Something else - I have been a ranger for the national park service for just over twenty years now. Every day we get something called the morning report - a list of calamities throughout the national park system. Accidents with fatalaties etc..
Most common, by far, are suicides. I have worked three myself. That has helped me in a sense. As bad as this sounds for me to say - at the end of the day life goes on out there. You WILL NOT be making a point to anybody!
Get outside, pause and breath. Close your eyes and just breath...
You will get past this and we are all here to make sure you do.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
See this is the problem GM, I don't think this is a temp solution anymore. IT IS TEMPORARY...you are letting this man have all your power. Are you a believer in God? I don't recall but if you have a belief in Him or a higher power or a positive loving force in the universe, lean into that and let it start to heal you. Get help. You can always do yourself harm LATER but you can't take it back...
In my younger years, learning to deal with depression, I a really good at seeing through the fog.
This is the first time in my life where the other side is clearer than the present. so it's harder this time. We get it. Not fatal or eternal! REACH OUT THERE...right now...
The other side doens't hold hope or possibility. yes it does have hope and possibility. You are not able to SEE that now b/c you are not thinking straight...
It only shows my failure at being a good human being to a person who loved me from the bottom of his heart.
you are revising things too much now...another symptom of not thinking straight..YOU are NOT UNlovable!
It shows me a life that I really don't want anymore. I wish I could bestow my good health on someone who wants to live and die for that person.
You were given a healthy body and mind that is temporarily not functioning as well. You need medical help.
So, 111, get the help. It WILL help.
You WILL FEEL BETTER.
This pain is deep but it's going to end when you get the help. So get it!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you everyone. I know suicide is a ...weird topic.
I have suffered from depression my whole life and been in active treatment for 15 years. I am on a drug protocol and in therapy that the army is providing me right now.
This all hit me like a ton of bricks this morning.
Calling 911 I don't want to do because all the neighbors will talk.
And I will continue to hold it together because it would be my Mum who found me as she is my dog walker and will be here MOnday to help me with Boo-Boo, my German Shorthaired Pointer.
I just really really hope you guys are right and that I will look back one day and be glad I'm still around. This is the first time in my life where I feel I truly have nothing to live for.
but if respecting my responsibilities is what keeps me grounded right now? I guess I will take it.
