Firstly there is an element of venting here for which I apologize !!
I originally posted here 4 years ago following my wife's affair which appeared to be part of the perfect script of MLC.
After 6 months of DB'ing she stayed with the family briefly returned to the relationship with more attachment and then started avoidant behaviors to put distance between us again. I carried on with the best DB techniques for 4 years, really until my children were old enough to cope with a family breakup
However after 20+ years together the behaviors listed below suddenly came into focus and with hindsight go back to the start of our relationship:
We are now separated and I once more feel as happy and optimistic about life as I did before we married. My feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger, and various psychosomatic symptoms have gone.
Is this your partner too?
Always Appears Perfect: Always charming cool calm and collected in company.
Never Angry: In her eyes and her families view anger is a sign of mental illness. She is never angry always calm and controlled.
Always Late: Will keep you waiting 15, 30 minutes 1 hour+ and it is never her fault. Meeting ran late, traffic was bad, no parking spaces, sunspot activity, phases of the moon or any BS etc etc
Unreliable / Obstructionist: will cheerfully and enthusiastically agree to a request (never offer to help) only to either just not follow through or do the request so badly you will have another mess to sort out. Never help with any project which is important to you even if it benefits both of you.
Won't Complete What She(/he) Starts: Will start a project and give up when it gets difficult again leaving you to sort out the mess.
Never Clearly States What She(/he) Wants: Remember its the husbands/wifes job to make the wife/husband happy and to give clues would be cheating. 'If you loved me or were a good person.you would just know.'
Always Covertly Sabotaging: Never lend her anything to which you may attach importance especially sentimental value it will get lost or destroyed.
Always The Victim: After a lifetime of stupid behaviors and failure guess what:none of it (his)/her fault: Did badly at school, my parents fault, 'they didn;t make me work hard enough'. Poor career choices not my fault 'my dad applied for that job for me.' First marriage to someone she claims she did not even like, 'fails' – 'not my fault my dad made me marry him. Married me - 'I only married you because my dad wanted me to marry a xxxxx'. Had an Affair – 'not my fault you made me do it by not putting me on a pedestal /he targeted me/I had a crisis and could not help it.
Withholding Sex – 'its normal to make love every 6 weeks all my friends do the same / I am so tired after looking after the kids / this house and garden are too big to look after, I am so tired / yes we may have had a fantastic day in one of the most beautiful places in the world all by ourselves but I will just turn my back on you now and go to sleep / I know I have paraded myself in front of you in my lingerie but DO NOT expect to make love / how can I make love to you if you do not make me happy everyday!'.
Don't Participate in intimacy: I will just lie here thanks while 'you do it to me'.
Always The Victim, always telling half the story, surrounding herself with slightly or more than slightly oddball dysfunctional short term fiends who understand what a terrible marriage she is in and can give her the impartial informed advice she needs to have new positive outlooks and leave her dreadful marriage.
I realized in 2000 that my wife was not the person she pretended to be that all my research and efforts on low libido would never work. However with 2 children aged 7 and 5 who I wanted to see grow up and needed at least one parent who could get emotionally attached, I decided to stick with it. Work on it listen to some of the gripes and complaints and work on things.
So after changing jobs living in a smaller house in a different with a live-in maid, children now 18 and 16. all the same behaviors (and excuses about intimacy).
It took 20 years to realize exactly what the problem is called (but I would still stick it out again for my sons.)
From my research seems likely my wife has an Avoidant / Dismissive type personality and part of this is Passive Aggressive Behavior.
Then more research took me to look at Passive Aggressive behavior and once again W appears not only to have read the MLC script, but read and and memorized Scott Wetzler's excellent book on P A behavior. In fact I think she may have written it under a pseudonym.
I have called a halt to this and removed myself from being an active partner in these abusive behaviors. She still calls, comes around arranges meetings to try stick it to me, now I know the rules of the game doing the opposite of what she expects causes so much confusion, fear and annoyance I now enjoy the 'confrontation'.
Why do they run? They run to find another victim. If you won't let them abuse you, they will find another innocent sucker to fool, with their perfect personality, and then stick it to them without them even knowing. Why are the OM / OW so often pathetic losers? Is it because they are co-dependent? They will want to help rescue H/W from such a terrible marriage to such an awful man/woman.
What has kept me sane for 20 years is being successful in my career and knowing that women find me attractive even if my W does not. (No I have never been unfaithful, my vows are promises I made to myself!).
Passive Aggressiveness is the result of childhood issues. MLC is about childhood issues. Narcissism seems very similar to P A.
My wife has been to one counseling session where she has admitted these behaviors but still denies them to me. She has asked me not to try to 'fix' her she is 'happy' as she is. She is 'happy' to stuff her anger inside her and never get so attached to someone so that she can never ever be hurt.
My advice is if you think your spouse is in MLC please also research Passive Aggressive behavior.
'Frequently, the victim of passive aggressive anger is unaware that he or she is on the receiving end of clandestine resentment. The victim of this resentment often reports feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger, and various psychosomatic symptoms. Because the victim is seen as frustrated and irritable, that person may be wrongly identified by others as the angrier partner. Meanwhile the passive-aggressive spouse tries to paint a self-portrait of a calm and relaxed person.
If your spouse has an affair:
The ultimate act of Passive Aggression is when they realise that you are no longer compliant to them so they then embark on an affair. There are always plenty of eager needy desperate people willing to tell them whatever they want to hear, to lead the cheer squad when they deliver their standard old passive aggressive speech about how great they are. If someone is sufficiently desperate for a partner they will simply turn a blind eye to the fact that the person that is telling them how wonderful, reliable and honest they are is doing so behind the back of the person that they are committed to and that trusts them not to. Passive aggressive people do not seek and find emotionally healthy people, they simply find the next needy co-dependent person that is open to their particular line of BS. If you do decide to try and save your marriage then so many of the good Divorce Busting tactics are similar to dealing with Passive Aggressive Behaviors.
My tactics/advice would be/are.
Get a life, P A is covert abuse, realize this and do not allow yourself to be a victim. These people are nasty covert abusers DO NOT return to a marriage until THEY see the effect their behavior has on you and your children, do not under any circumstance aid them in abusing you. You do not need to be in an abusive relationship. Do not under any circumstances enable your own abuse.
Do not always believe you are loved (at the moment). 'The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.'
Before you confront them build up a good network of friends reconnect with your family (the P A will seek to distance you from your family and friends ). Confront them (let them know the effect on you and the feelings it causes you to have) let them know, preferably gently/subtly, the game is up. Let them know unequivocally you know what their tactics are and that they will NOT work anymore. Be aware that 'Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior'. However in my opinion they must hear an unpleasant truth rather than a pleasant lie, if they are to change. Do not under any circumstances let them play the victim. They and they alone are responsible for their actions subconscious or conscious.
If they want to find another victim there is nothing you can do to stop it – stay detached, stay silent they only want to abuse you and hurt you in any way they can.
Do not fear separation it will be good for you if you recognize and want to stop enabling the covert abuse.
If they wish to confront those issues be supportive BUT this is not your problem to fix, this is not your fault, stay detached. Remember they want to take their childhood anger and frustration out on you. They are masters of covert, devious and dishonest behavior, this is a whole lifestyle for them. They have been practicing this for many many years to get their unfulfilled childhood needs met, Do not believe anything they tell you, actions will speak louder than words.
If they decide to stay as they are in the 'safety' of avoidance, once YOU recognize the damage they have done to YOU and your family through their years of P A covert abuse I think you will find it easy to move on with very little sadness. Remember this is not your fault. They are the losers they have probably lost a loving caring partner and will never know the joy of a close intimate relationship with another person.
They must want to come through this themselves, this is their problem. This is their unresolved childhood anger, they must deal with it to become true adults and have appropriate adult relationships. Stay silent stay detached, do not get sucked in to the P A battlefield they will not give up until they destroy you, they have to win any fight. Do not try to fix them. See Six Stages of MLC by Hearts Blessing – Depression/Withdrawal and hopefully Acceptance: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=109249
