Getting Better??

[AntoniaB]

To follow up on what Beatrice said about how they need to believe It could not have been otherwise, yes, absolutely, I think they MUST rationalize what they did, because the alternative is to admit that their choices netted them something lesser than what they had, and it's THEIR FAULT that they are in this position. Granted, the LBS was probably responsible for some bit of disharmony in the marriage, but the LBS was always showing she wanted to work to fix things. If they were to admit that they made a big mistake, they'd have no one to blame but themselves because none of us pushed divorces.

I mean, if we had messed up lives, on some level, we'd have an excuse, we were betrayed, deceived, our exes walked away from uss without much warning. But if the architect of your messed up life is YOU, that's got to be worse. So I think they have a basic instinct to keep telling themselves the story that it was all meant to be this way because facing the truth is too tough.

Yes some eventually face the truth and themselves, and I am thrilled that it happens for those people because whether they reconcile with their spouse or not, I think those people who successfully navigate the MLC probably can build much more fulfilling and honest lives down the road. But for most I don't think they have the strength to ever face it. Would WE have the strength to face it if we had been in their shoes? I don't know.

So maybe the thing to do is to just try to not take this personally--I know tough to do, but try--and see that maybe the only way they can function and not completely lose it themselves is if they keep telling themselves lies and rationalizations.