Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY

[tenbusrider]

Journaling-

I'm trying to not to read into any of the things that she's doing lately, but it's hard to deny that she does seem to be a bit nicer to me.

She's been making statements about things that she used to blame me for being caused by her current condition (notably, loss of focus and creativity, always tired). These are things that seem to tie into her hyperthyroidism, which I've been blatantly trying to avoid discussing. She won't say it's the hyperthyroidism, but does seem to think she needs medication for it.

We were both off on Thursday. We talked for a bit that morning before I went to an orientation at the local dental school to see how their program works and possibly get my teeth fixed.

When I came home, she seemed pretty tired. I was half expecting to have to go and pick my dad up from the hospital, so I told her to go and rest, that I wouldn't bother her until I had to go somewhere.

While she was down, I got a call that he wasn't being released that day, so I took a nap with S.

I had Tai Chi that night, and I took S to my mom so W could have a little more time to rest. I had a good time in class. I made a stop by the grocery store on the way home to get a few things, among them, some chocolate. When I got home, W commented on how I'd heard her psychic request when she saw the chocolate. This seemed to make her pretty happy. W was in a talkative mood, so we talked for a while, then she asked me if I wanted to help her with dinner. I told her I would (before separation, I often offered to help, which she didn't accept). While "help" wasn't much more than washing things she was done with and setting up pots and pans for her to use, we continued to have a rather lively discussion about spirituality. Things seemed to be going pretty well, but some of her comments seemed to be loaded with the idea that she was still unsure about what was going to happen with us. I didn't respond to those, as I didn't want to drive the evening down.

She mentioned feeling depressed and bad about herself. I think this is where I made my mistake of the evening: I told her she wouldn't feel that was if she could see herself through my eyes. While it didn't kill the conversation, it did change the tone of it. I felt pretty uncomfortable afterwards, but tried not to show it.

We talked some more the next morning before she went to work, and it seemed to be pretty good. S was running a fever, and would need to go to the doctor on a sick visit. I also had to be on stand-by to get my dad from the hospital, so I was pretty busy.

I got home a little before she did that afternoon and got S down for a nap after that harrowing trip to the doc (harrowing for him, he hates it there). She came home in a testy mood. She didn't direct any anger at me, but seemed really mad about work, something I've very rarely seen out of her with this particular job. She also complained heavily about some of her family, people I thought she was close to. She wanted to drink, something else that's pretty rare for her. I got pretty nervous, but I internalized it pretty well, I think. I was just tired from the long day (it's amazing how exhausting it is to be at the hospital, even when you're waiting for someone to be discharged). We watched a movie, and there was little talk, but S was running a pretty good fever at this point, that a full dose of tylenol barely made a dent in.

Just trying to maintain that even keel, but despite the good things that happened, I'm still not sure where I'm standing.

As I mentioned above to kml, I'm quitting drinking today. It'll be hard, but I intend to fill that time with exercise. It seems I have to dial in a few more 180s right now.