Confused and Lonely

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Many years ago I went through this type of situation with my first wife (obviously it did not work out), so I know just how you feel. My ex had an affair and then we went through this process of separating and her trying to figure out what she wanted.

A couple of things which you have heard already.

First, the feelings of "confusion" and "uncertainty" and this going back and forth is typical if there is not a definite "I want out." Your wife has fundamentally upset the status quo.

Second, over the long period of time you've taught and trained each other what the status quo is and how each of you are expected to behave...even if it is boring or not at all what you'd really want WITH each other.

Third, you are not mind readers. No matter how "in tune" you seem, whenever you come across "you should have known..." someone is relying upon mind reading. I say this in response to your W's sense of "wasting time." For example, my ex wanted to do something different with her life (and career). When the affair was revealed, this was one thing that came out in our discussions. She was unhappy and unfulfilled in her job of 10 years. That was 28 years ago.

I was willing to figure out how to have us become a one-income family and change my job schedule so that she could go back to school for another degree in an area that she thought she would be happier in. As tempting as that might have been (and I was serious about that), she turned me down because she would have then felt "obligated" to me (as if having a marriage, a child and a house wasn't "obligation"). But I was the one she blamed for not being able to do that before she had her affair.

Ironically, she retires from that organization next month. Although, she has been promoted a couple of times, it was the loss of a promotion that finally prompted her to retire. She seems just as unhappy as she did all those years ago. So, whose problem was this?

The point is that you may also be blamed for stuff that has nothing to do with you except that you are the one there. Accept responsibility for stuff that is clearly yours.

Finally, a few words about GAL/180 (they can be one in the same). You've seen this written elsewhere. Do this for yourself, not for her. DO NONE OF IT FOR HER. There may be things that she has pointed out that need work that you agree with, but do the work on yourself with the view that you are doing it because it is important to you. Whether she stays or whether she leaves, do this stuff for you in the long run. I think I'd even make sure she knows that...you aren't doing this for her and whether she stays or goes, this is what you've chosen to take action upon.

On weight, yes, the stress can be murder and that can go two ways. You can gain or lose. I had similar response when I discovered my W's affair. Now, I was just slightly over weight (on the BMI scale I was 6 pounds over "normal"). I lost 30 pounds over a few months (I wasn't eating because I had no appetite and I went back to hiking as my chosen form of exercise to keep my sanity after she moved out).

In terms of changes that makes you "unrecognizable" to her...well, she gave up the right to the status quo with her affair. That is the beginning and end of the discussion. As I said, you've trained wach other well in what to expect. The new you she will either like or not, she'll either want to change, or not. And those changes that you like (that she doesn't) will be the one she'll try to steer you away from (maybe because she liked the old status quo, after all).

Sometimes it is a way around the "we always did it this way" syndrome.

An example from my life. My ex and I talked about going skiing. We knew next to nothing about it beyond some perceptions. We never carried through with even figuring out how to get started.

Four months after we separated, I went to the local ski shop bought a bus day trip skiing package for "never ever skiers." I found out what I needed and was ready to go to meet the bus at 4 AM near my house. When I went to get into my car that morning, she had placed a little snack bag on my seat with a short note telling me to have a good time (I did).

In the following year I took up skiing in a big way. My ex made no real move to reconcile (she had the graduate college student she was having the affair with move in with her. She did come by one day while our son was at a Saturday morning gymnastics class to tell me that she was missing me about a year after we separated, but that was about the limit of that. She ultimately filed for the divorce even though I had said I was willing to work things out, but it had to be with her lover out of the picture.)

Two years after we had gone our separate ways, I had started dating someone else who had also recently divorced. At Christmas, she and I, and our kids (hers and mine) went off on a ski vacation. My ex had this "that should have been me" moment. I had moved forward in my life on something my ex and I had talked about and made it an essential change that I added. I would not have given that up to have my ex back, i would have asked her to take up something that we had talked about and that I had done. We never got to that choice.

One last point. If you've seen the movie Inception, the central theme that one simple idea can grow to define and change a life is something that I experienced with my ex in a very real way. There were ideas that she had about me, how i felt and that came uout of a few simple acts or statements (something I both regret and yet was unaware of how that was received). Unless your W is willing to look at those assumptions, it can be very difficult to get through all of this.

Space is sometimes what is needed. I would say allow her the space but don't let that interfere with the work you do for and on yourself.

The Captain