I get a message pop up on Skype on my phone. It say's message from P. "Get on Skype.. NOW!!" But he is offline by the time I see it.
So I email him and say "Got your Skype message. You sound mad. Whats wrong now?"
He answers that it must have been an old message (and upon checking I see it's from Jan 8th.. Skype is such a weird program.. not sure why it showed up today)
So I don't probe as to what the hell(o) was wrong back on the 8th. And I ask him if his return dates from A-Stan are pretty much the same as last time we spoke.
He simply said and reiterated the approx. dates.
I left the convo with a very brief "K. Keep me posted so I can give the storage the 48 hours notice to pick up your truck. Have a good nite."(it's dinner time there)
He replied: "I will keep you posted and update you once I have concrete timings, Have a good day at work"
I did not respond.
This was a 180 for me because I didn't say any of the sh*t that I usually would IE: I miss you, miss your voice, etc.
This tiny, insignificant interaction caused so many emotions. I was sad, and deflated because I think it's only natural that people on this board will have a fleeting moment of "Maybe everything will be okay!! Maybe he will bow over with apologies and beg for my forgiveness, beg me to take him back" But then you know with the logical part of your brain.. that is not the case, so maybe thats why I felt sad after.
Funny, since Thailand he has been so cold that back then I was yearning for 'crumbs' of kindness. Now I am just yearning for crumbs of recognition.
Ugg. Detach detach detach.
But I tell you DBers... what I would do for a crystal ball that would tell me what the heck it's gonna be like the night he gets here, will it be volatile? Will it be peaceful? Will he claim demons took over his body and now he has been fully excercised of said demon?
Ah... a quick check through my first thread for Jan 8ths posts brings me to....
The day his ex wife emailed him to let him know we talked and that she was angry he told lies about her (Saying she suckered him out of money and that she was cheating on him.., stuff that that she says was BS)
Okay well, I don't think very many people follow my sitch on here but I need to journel and get this out where people might just understand.
I am obsessing right now so badly and it's eating me up inside and I once again feel like taking a bottle of sleeping pills with some volka.
P said he didn't Skype me yesterday. What did pop up was a message he had sent me long ago. Both people need to be signed in to Skype for messages to appear and 'go through'. Well before I noticed that mess was old I replied "whats up?" to him and the message went through, yet it showed him as "offline"
So I did a Google search and it says that if the person is just online and invisible, thats why your messages go through. The person is actually getting them.
So this morning I found out how to do another 'test'. There is a way that you can try video calling them, which would not go through if they were actually were offline, but will if they are in 'stealth' mode. Well his went through. So he is on there.
The only other time he used to leave his Skype open was back when things were good with us, so we could leave little messages back and forth. (But never in invisible mode) So this means he is on there doing the same thing with OW.
It kills me. I f*cuking hate this. I am so hurt. I wrote him a mess on Skype and said:
"Skype is such a weird program 'cause even though you said you have not been on it for ages, it shows you online but invisible. If you feel like you need to hide from me on the net, I don't want you to have to feel that way. Just delete me from Skype, I will completely understand"
I guess it's good that we all find out about OW/OM, but in a way, I would really rather be blissfully unaware. If the net didn't exist, I would know nothing at this point. Unrealistically I imagine a time when that was possible.
I posted previously on your thread and you were pretty defensive about your position. Don't know if that's changed for you or if you're looking more at your actions in your sitch. Hope so, because we can only change ourselves; sometimes relationships are changed, sometimes not.
Accuray wrote a great post on this thread this morning #2216630
Pretty much sums it up.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I was defensive more about confusion over my position in all this.
Like most - I waffle back and fourth
Like most - I have a hard time digesting that the person my S is now is the same person who left back in June (IE: the alien taking over)
Like very few - I have a relatively short history with this man and no children. Minimal paperwork and I can walk away from this
But despite how it looks like from what I've written on here, I am responsible for the R getting to where it is now. I did SO much wrong that I didn't touch on for fear of my initial post being too long
He is responsible for his actions since things went south
I really don't think we will recon. but it doesn't mean that in the meantime... I am having a hard time.
I think once he gets home, I find a place and start to move out, it will be easier on me.
Living here... knowing that pretty much 99% we are never going to be together again, is just... friggen hard.
But I made my bed. I chose to stay here to help myself out.
I wonder if I should delete Skype? Hes the only reason I have it, so we could talk while he was on tour.
Perhaps deleting it would help me let go of that.
But is it weird that I am afraid to delete it in fear he might WANT to contact me there and I won't get his message?
God I'm a hopeless case.
Usually I can shake off feeling suicidal within an hour or so but it's still with me clear as day. If I had access to a gun, I would be dead right now. 100%.
PLEASE call a hotline or go to your local hospital. You have feelings and a plan , but no access. 2 out of 3 still makes me nervous. Please get help now!
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
I haven't read your sitch yet but I sure don't like the sound of your last sentence.
If you truly feel you're that close, please get in touch with a suicide prevention hot line.
One thing I can assure you of and that is most of us have had the same feelings in the beginning. It is called spinning and that's exactly what you're doing.
Do not expect yourself to pull out of this overnight. It didn't happen that fast either. Cut yourself some slack. Put your focus on you. DBing is about saving yourself first. Maybe in the process the M gets saved but that is not the first and foremost issue.
Take care of yourself first, then you can deal with whatever happens in your sitch.
