At the beginning of last month I discovered that my W had cheated on me with another man one time. :-( Apparently she had lied to the OM and told him she was separated from me. When the OM found out he told her off and ceased communicating. My W said she had been so unhappy with me and felt lonely for the last few years and that she had given up on our relationship. Of course this came as a complete and total shock to me as I thought we were getting along better. I guess she had just lost interest in fighting back and had moved on.
Since I found out, she has been back and forth between our house and her sister's probably about 4-5 times in a month and a half. She has told me repeatedly that she wanted to separate for a period to figure her 'stuff' out and work on herself. The majority of the time this sentiment was also followed by stating that she didn't want to be with me anymore and that she didn't want to put any effort into the marriage. I tried really hard to get her to stay but just found that it made things even more uncomfortable. She made it very clear both in her actions and verbally that she no longer had feelings for me or wanted to be my wife. She wanted to be on her own (which she has never done in her life) and to know that she can make it without depending on me.
Repeated arguments like this culminated in me getting frustrated and filing for divorce online. At this point she seemed to get very worried and asked if I had really done that. I had and did feel that I just wanted out of this mess. I felt horrible after I did it though and nothing had changed. The next day I just avoided her and tried to be normal without bringing up our relationship.
That evening she asked me what we were going to do with our lives. I asked her what she wanted and she told me again that she wanted to be separate and to have some space to herself. I didn't see any other option at that point and just kind of went with it. I agreed to a time period and some basic rules. It was actually the first positive discussion we have had in over a month about what to do. We agreed to start on the 22nd and to go to about the end of February.
Since we agreed to this things seem to have really gotten better. The day she left I told her I was totally in love with her and she said the same thing back to me. She kissed and hugged me like crazy before I told her to leave (basically before I totally broke down and cried).
It's only been two days and I am completely freaking out. She came over last night to take care of our dogs (per a planned schedule) and I caught her leaving. She said she really wanted to try to not see me but still hugged and kissed me. I told her I missed her already and she said the same thing.
There is of course so much more that has transpired it is hard to sum it all up for you guys. I guess what I am thinking is that she does very much still love me but I don't know why she wants or needs to be separate. I really want to call her, but I know from experience if I do it will just piss her off and I don't want to ruin the good vibe we have going.
I have read most of Divorce Remedy and poked around on the message boards to have an idea of what I should be doing.
I've identified issues in myself that need work and tried to take action. Specifically I am trying to lose weight and be more physically active (about half way through couch to 5k program). I also have identified that in our relationship I really took her for granted and ignored her as my best friend for a long time now.
Some of the 180's I've been doing is to start jogging and lose weight. I have been pretty successful so far in this and feel much better physically. Other 180's that I'd like to do is to really concentrate on allowing her freedom to guide our relationship where she wants it to go instead of controlling the situation all the time. Of course I am having a hard time with this as she wants to be separated and I can't really talk to her about what our future looks like without making the current problems worse.
I'm worried that she is going to change her mind and not come back, although she told me she was 99.99% sure she was going to. It's quite paradoxical actually... She gave up on our relationship because she never got attention from me. Now she wants me to give her space and less attention. I'm totally confused as to how to handle this and really wanting her back bad. It even surprises me how much I love her.
I think you are actually doing great. It's normal to freak out a little, but your actions actually show a healthy boundary. She reacted to you filing, now she's testing you. As a man you have to make a decision and once you make that decision, you have to follow through.
You validate her feelings by accepting her decision as it is her choice and then completely moving the opposite direction. If you were controlling, you demonstrate letting go; by doing your 180's, you better yourself; your actions show strength and purpose, if you stop, she will justify her choice. I think you need to follow through with your first action. But you need to move slowly. Your
It is great that you have identified some things that you want / need to improve in yourself.
Is there anything that you can think of that your W has specifically said she doesn't like about you, even if it is from a few years back and you haven't made any improvements in those areas.
It is possible that our spouses will make up excuses or reasons, so if you ask her, she may just give you any old reason. I would be up to you to determine how valid those might be, but even so, if those things are improved, then they are one less thing to use as an excuse.
What were some of the arguments that you had, as mentioned above? What were they about? This might give some insight to your W's frustrations in the M.
Yes, the W has been very clear about what she has issue with. Yes they are all valid.
Where do I start...
- There have been several instances in our relationship where I didn't understand what she really wanted and from her perspective didn't really love her the way she wanted. An instance of this was when she tried to move in with me and I didn't really get that she wanted our relationship to be more serious. She got frustrated because it ended up being like a roommate situation. There are few other issues like this including that I didn't ask her to marry her for like 8 years and only after the first A.
- We talked about having kids but didn't to try to be more active and free with our lives (traveling or doing whatever). Unfortunately, we haven't really capitalized on this and she blames me and herself for wasting 16 years of being together. She also recently told me she had expected when we bought a house to have children, but never really told me until now that she wanted that. So either way you look at it, we wasted time by not living life one way or another.
- Twice I have become very depressed as a result of work related issues. I took it out on her to a large extent and feel very bad about it. During both of these periods, the second being the most recent, she cheated on me.
- I haven't been very outwardly lovey our entire relationship and recently our intimate times basically came to a standstill because I wasn't in the mood either because I was depressed or just didn't want to.
- It bothers her that I only figured this stuff out because she cheated on me.
So to sum it up, she is scared to be with me because from her POV she has wasted a bunch of time with me and I haven't treated her well. I can't really dispute that as there is real truth to it. We have had great times together and I know she thinks about it because she has brought it up a lot lately even though we are separated.
From last week to this week a big change has happened with her. Up until last Thursday she was adamant that she wanted to be on her own and that we weren't meant to be. After I agreed to separate (which I have done a crappy job adhering to) she changed her message completely. It is now, "I love you very much and I want to be with you, but right now I just can't do that and I want space to myself".
I know from talking to her that she is really worried that committing back to our relationship will be more of the same BS and we will be back in this same spot again. I have the same fear. I guess the difference is that I finally see where she is coming from and will do almost anything to not repeat my own mistakes.
_________________________ Me:35 W:34 No Kids Together: 16 years, M: 8 years Bomb1: 07/2004 Bomb2: 12/5/2011 Separated 01/22/2012
Question..... Why do you think pursuing is controlling in this situation? You say she wants space or she'll think you're trying to control the situation but that you also didn't pay her any attention, make her feel loved, etc.
I'm asking this because I'm wondering if going dark and accepting things how they flow is a 180 from you or more of the same?
Have you ever romanced her? Sounds like she feels you got into the relationship and marriage without any effort on your part? Which maybe makes her feel unvalued?
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
The 180 would be to give her lots of attention. She is pretty adamant right now that she wants space for 6 weeks to work on her 'stuff'. I have talked to her about it and it seems legitimate. She will not commit 100% to being with me, but other actions seem to indicate that she does intend to come back at the end of the period we agreed to.
As for romance, I am just not that kind of guy, and she would think its phoney. I have to be more subtle with that if I am going to make that a 180. I have definitely put in the effort with her and she for me, but I could also see where she thinks that I may have not really wanted her during these previous times.
I see you indicate that your W's complaints about you are valid. In her mind, they are. I do want to say a couple things, though:
+ did the two of you not have sex? Of course it would have been wrong, but unless you were wearing a rubber, if she really wanted kids so bad with you, she could have quit any birth control and hoped for an "accident". Unless you absolutely said, "No kids or I'm leaving you..." And I'm assuming that wasn't the case.
+ regarding cheating and affairs... here's the deal... they are symptoms of a deeper problem in a relationship... but they are NOT and excuse nor are they justifiable. Period. They are errors in judgment and signs of poor communication, sure...
Make no mistake, a WAS plans their exit strategy long before the LBS knows about it. Your W may be all back with you now because what ever she had planned didn't pan out. It is possible she is your safety net.
If she wants her cake and eats it too, then she is taking advantage of you. She loves you and wants to be with you... but isn't willing to work on the M...? OK, she's confused, sure. But what are the boundaries? She has cheated and you have taken her back. So if she cheats again... well... I'm sure you can imagine what she's thinking. Did you plan on being in an open marriage?
If you can handle it emotionally, it is a good idea for you to stay in the home. If your W wants space, then let it be on her to get her own place.
You mention jogging as a 180. I understand how you could label it as such, if you never used to job. Generally though, we might call that part of GAL (getting a life).
What GAL activities are you doing? Get yourself out and about. Dress up in your best and go see a movie. Go visit your buddies. Go to an art gallery and get some culture. Go to the dairy section of the grocery store and get some more culture...
As for 180s, buy and read (keep on your night stand) some really interesting Harlequin Romance novels...
Mix things up. You want to become a great guy that only a fool would leave. Fix your bad stuff, improve your good stuff, and your W will notice... add to that some really... interesting stuff that you're trying out... your W might even become curious about you. And hey... it could help save your M.
Woah... someone woke up too early this morning and shouldn't be posting tired...
Should have read:
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
...didn't pan out. It is possible you are her your safety net.
and, this six weeks could just be a change to figure out some new exit.
So to add and to remind... if you are going to have a chance to make some great changes and some major, lasting impressions... now is the time.
Here's the thing about that, though. What ever you do to improve yourself... DO NOT DO IT TO WIN YOUR W BACK! Do these things because you will be a better person for it. And I will put in a disclaimer after this one, these things must stick and should be realistic.
Here's the disclaimer: Why NOT try the romantic thing? Maybe you WEREN't romantic before, but you could be now... The new you and maybe you might like it. You could try it and then make a decision to drop it. That IS ok...
