Before your hiatus from the boards, I mentioned that C is a must in order for your sitch to improve. Did you two ever do that?
No...she doesn't want to be "brainwashed" into loving me again.
I have decided to move out. I proposed that we agree to stay married and work on ourselves, but live in separate places. I told her that I would rather have the kids live in two homes for a year or so, and have mom and dad together later on, than to just call it quits. I told her that I would not accept her dating during this time period and that was a deal breaker for me. If she dates then we need to divorce. She said she wanted to date other people, but begrudgingly agreed. I asked her why she wanted to date and she said it was to meet new people and friends. I told her that meeting new people was fine, but being intimate is unacceptable. I asked her if she'd like it if I was having sex with a bunch of women. She said she didn't care. She says she loves me, but is not in love with me. I told her if she really loves me then she needs to tell me if she's going to go out with other guys rather than me finding out the hard way. She agreed to everything and said we were on the same page. She didn't seem very happy about it though.
Here are my thoughts: She doesn't really have any desire to work on anything. If she goes out with a guy and the emotions strike, do you really think she's going to think about me and stop? Probably not. She hasn't thought about me before. Why would she now? Especially if she lives by herself and doesn't think I'll catch her.
I really feel like she's keeping me in limbo just to get what she wants. Right after that conversation she asked me to buy her some cigarettes and gas for her car. It seems like that's the only reason I'm around. Things were going great when I agreed to father the OM's baby. They were going good when I co-signed for her to get a new car. A week after she terminated the pregnancy and got her car she doesn't want to be with me anymore.
I know no one can make my decision for me. Could I get some opinions though? I'm really thinking about filing for divorce and get on with my life. I think that I have went above and beyond trying to make this marriage work. It doesn't seem to matter to her. As a human being, a man, I feel like I'm selling myself out. Frankly, I'm losing respect for myself.
The weird thing is that I just feel numb for the most part. I have moments where there is extreme pain and I cry. But, it seems like something happens every other week. I don't think I've had time to process any of this because it keeps piling up. Like I said, I'm numb. My friends and family keep telling me that what she has and is doing to me is horrendous. They wonder when she lost her humanity. I know they are trying to protect me. I'm feeling like she's gone way too far. I think that once I move out and start processing this stuff I'll end up not wanting to be with her again. Sometimes, when I think about leaving and just moving on, I get this peace and stillness come over me. Dare I say I feel happy and relieved.
I would like to come through this with some dignity left.
Is there a point where divorce is a healthier option?
