Pur, I think you're doing great, remember this is a process. Detachment doesn't happen overnight. It's taken me 10 months to get to a place of pretty good detachment, but of course the first 6 months of that I was trying to stay attached.
It does seem that you are still living inside his head much of the time. If you can work on turning that off, it will be so helpful. When you start the "what does he think" or "what will he do" stuff, change it to: he's gone, that's not my problem anymore.
It's a brutal reality but it helps.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
labug- thanks for checking in on me It's a sobering reminder of how long this journey is- to hear you say that it's taken 10 months for you to get to a 'good detachment'... I'm 8 months behind you. I have a feeling that I'll be able to detach A LOT more when he's gone to AFG, until then, I will do my best.
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I've been thinking about going to an Alanon meeting (as suggested by several people on the boards) I looked up the meeting times/places... the only time and place that coordinates with my custody arrangements- is at a church located 3 blocks from OW's house. How's that for temptation?!?! I imagine it would be the same temptation if an AA meeting was located near a bar.
I honestly don't know if I am clear headed enough not to do a drive by every time I go to a meeting, which defeats the purpose! I really want to join a meeting to find the support that other's on here have said they've received from Alanon.
When I was at the bookstore last night, I looked at several Alanon books- including one called Discovering Choices.... it's all about detachment.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
My brain likes to play conversations and interactions over and over again, looking for positives or changes.... Someone make it stop!
Purg, I have put myself in this position too many times to count. We LBS want our WAS to return so desperately that we interpret every word and interaction with a hopeful eye. It is maddening. Notice it but don't but too much stock in it. I wish I knew how to stop it. My best guess is that you have to let go of putting your feelings in his hands. You are doing what you are doing to (1) build a new M/R with your H on a new foundation or (2) build a new relationship with a different person when the one with your WAS ends. Either way you are doing that by working on YOU not him. Personally, I feel like my self-esteem takes a hit every time I put myself out there on behalf of the M/R and my WAW doesn't respond or says she still wants a D.
Congratulations on your weight loss. Your H's physical desires will likely always have him interested in you (that is one of the reasons the two of you got into a R in the first place, and, he's a man). For some men, and I have seen this written about on the forum, there is no problem with walking away and at the same time continuing have a physical relationship with the LBS. Is that right? No. But, IMO, the man is thinking with his member not his heart and he certainly isn't thinking about your emotions. In fact, IMO, if the two of you were to have a physical interaction, he probably would be thinking that you are alright with the state of your R as it currently stands. (BTW, I don't think he is covering you up, I think he is flirting and checking to see if the door is open to a physical interaction.)
Originally Posted By: purgatory
I will continue down my path of looking better to feel better about myself. That little part of me would be glad to know that he's seeing what he's gonna miss
Since my BFF is now the OW, I don't have a friend to talk to about my day, so I'm going to vent you my online friends
Went to the doctor today to get results of all the tests I've been doing.... well, someone screwed up along the way, and the main information that my doc was looking for, wasn't there. So I have to do another day at the hospital for 3 more tests... If I find out who screwed up, I'm gong to hunt them down and shove 10 IVs in their arm!!!
H came to the hospital with me- because he wanted to hear the results too. He sat on the opposite side of the waiting room from me- I had the baby with me so H kept using him as an excuse to get up and move around. He barely acknowledged me and said 2 words to me. I told him a funny story about something the baby did this morning, and he just smiled.
So the doc told us that the tests he *did* have, were normal. Unfortunately, the answers that he really needed to be able to make the next step, are in the tests that he didn't have. So the whole appointment was really a bust. My H tried to comfort me by telling me: "Well, this seems positive. They didn't see anything major on the other tests, so looks like there might be a simple solution with no long term issues." [Ms. Negativity took over my thoughts with: yeah, you're probably relieved because you don't have to feel guilty for leaving your W who's dying and you don't have to pay for medical stuff for the rest of your life.... didn't say it, just thought it.] The fact is, I still need to have 2 heart surgeries, and neither of my 3 doctors can tell me if either of them will fox my problem. They said that after they close up the hole, they won't know if it solved part of the problem for at least 3 months.... Im slowly going crazy with this heart stuff! I want to just say- ok, leave me alone and I'll never run a marathon, or be able to do 1 hour of aerobics.... but at least I won't have to keep being poked and tested!!
H is really good at being detached, I wish I could pick hi brain for how to do it!! I have the boys tonight.... but tomorrow I'm going to my 1st pole dancing class!! HAHA, I still can't believe I signed up to do this... BUT it's a 180 (on my entire personality) so I'm gonna do it!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
if it makes you feel any better, my h did a year of hearts at Philadelphia's pediatric unit... They repaired similar defects with patches or repairs in tiny little people, usually w/good results.
The fact that your defect is left to right is good, not bad. It means things have not gone too far yet b/c when they shift the other way-worse. If you still have no pulmonary hypertension--excellent. My H thinks you're a great candidate (youth and I presume non-smoker?) for one of 2 procedures he's assuming you'd get. Fwiw, I was relieved to hear that.
As for your h--ANY h would be relieved to know you are not dying. Fact is, if you were dying, crass as it sounds, it helps him IF HE WERE THAT TYPE OF MAN, which he's not...
so let's not even go there! Besides, his comments were meant to reassure you, and you are and always will be, the mother of his children. Hold your head high.
The idiot who lost or didn't put your results in where they belong - will serve time in hospital limbo or as you'd say "Purgatory" for it...
Meanwhile, remember this is a chance to show your h, again, the NEW YOU...
Keep being strong and brave!
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The fact that your defect is left to right is good, not bad. It means things have not gone too far yet b/c when they shift the other way-worse. If you still have no pulmonary hypertension--excellent. Thanks for checking with your H. One correction, my defect IS a right to left, with a 3.1% pressure increase over the left side. As far as the pulmonary hypertension, they still can't say because they have to do the catheterization to physically see the valve/artery... my doc is trying to see if they can combine the hole repair and the 'investigation' at the same time so I don't have to do this twice- fingers crossed!!
As for your h--ANY h would be relieved to know you are not dying. Fact is, if you were dying, crass as it sounds, it helps him IF HE WERE THAT TYPE OF MAN, which he's not... this actually made me kinda laugh I'm sure any WAH would 'like' it if their W died- makes their guilt go away and moving on a lot easier!
Meanwhile, remember this is a chance to show your h, again, the NEW YOU... It's actually the 'new me' to have him come to appointments with me. For some stupid reason, I used to think that being stoic and dealing with things on my own was some way better than behaving like an invalid or always asking for help... hence the reason my H grew to think that he was never needed in my life.
Keep being strong and brave! ((( ))) I always appreciate hugs! And it's very comforting to know that there are people out there who care!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
arrrggh!!! lost lab tests!!! i had a needlestick injury at work from a Hep C+ pt. low risk as it was only tiny needle.. but still had to go to the ER to get tests. and guess what happened?? they somehow lost my blood work.. and i had to go through the whole thing all over again! not fun. but what can you do?
pole dancing? that should be fun!
(((purg)))
i admire how you are being strong and carrying yourself w/ dignity through the face of adversity. that's truly beautiful!
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
H stopped by after the gym (8:00).... He made some dinner and sat on his laptop watching a video on you tube- he started telling me about it (and a 180 for me) I sat and watche it with him for 30 minutes. I say this is a 180 because the topic was not something I'm into- so normally I wouldn't have shared his interest with it. We chatted about the video while watching it- felt like old times.... He said he wanted to take a long shower and doesn't feel comfortable doing that at the friends house because they only have 1 bathroom....
Really trying not to think anything of this unexpected visit, but it's interesting that on his night off- he's choosing to hang out at our house (in no apparent rush to leave) instead of going out with the guys like he normally does on Fridays.
Like Bklyn said: can't mind read someone who has lost their mind
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Even if its something, its small so just keep doing what your doing. From my experience there are lots of these little glimmers of hope mixed in with a whole lot of frustration.
Keep doing what you'd plan to do. And nice job on the 180..
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
It's a sobering reminder of how long this journey is- to hear you say that it's taken 10 months for you to get to a 'good detachment'... I'm 8 months behind you. I have a feeling that I'll be able to detach A LOT more when he's gone to AFG, until then, I will do my best.