Together since we were 15...Part 3

[purgatory]

I can tell how confused you are by his new words/actions.... made me think of something that I read in DR the other night- and I copied it down because I wanted to remember it for my own sitch Now, even though your 'h' isn't the age to be considered having a MLC, I think it applies to y'all because you were so young when 'adult life' started.... in a way, he's reached the same level of anxiety other men reach in their 30's and 40's.

From DR: Limbo Land Chapter

"If your H decides to come home, although you'll be relieved, you'll also be flooded with many other intense emotions.... you will need to change, but your h will need to change too. He'll need to show that he wants to invest his heart into your relationship. He needs to show empathy for what you've been through all these months. But these will not happen immediately, you need to continue to remain patient. .... If your H had an affair, and decided to end it... he will probably be feeling a sense of with drawl just as if someone were giving up a drug. He might feel sad, depressed or irritable.... he will come out of this funk if you give him 'permission' to feel this way..."

This part made me think about your 'h'.... not exactly what he's doing- but the essence. Here me out: Your 'h' made a decision to leave- for whatever reason he wants to say or justify, but the fact remains- he left. He shut down those emotions to you (well,yours at least he tried to convince himself that he did), so to have those emotions come flooding back is very confusing. If he's anything like most guys (no offense to those on this board :)) they don't like to admit when they've made mistakes, and therefore fight really hard to stick to their choices. Your h is fighting his earlier choice, with wanting to take it back. The other thing this excerpt made me think about is this: although you haven't confirmed that there was an affair or OW, at least in his mind- he was thinking about finding one. He opened himself up to the idea that someone else could be out there for him (just like an affair). So he has to also battle the 'loss' of that 'fantasy affair' if he chooses to come back to you... this seems like where his crying, confusion, and erratic behavior comes from. I think your h is at the bottom of his fall, and he's questioning not only his original choice, but also choosing to give up the 'fantasy affair'.

Probably more that you wanted, but that's what I thought about when I read what he's been doing. As far as him wanting you to be preggo- that makes his decision easy, it's no brainer.... BUT if he chooses to come back for his own reasons- he knows that there is A LOT of hard work for him to do, and that's scary for him. Being preggo let's him be lazy.

Even though all of it- Im sooooo proud of you for sticking to your guns and keeping your boundaries in tact! It's good that you can still cry, you should always let yourself feel your emotions because they will process faster, as opposed to if you try to keep them inside.

The fact that he is so torn is a direct reflection on all the efforts you've done. I think you have the potential to be one of the LBS who decided that *they* don't want the WAS back because they've discovered a new self who is better off without the WAS. I know that for the sake of you kids, you won't make such an important decision without giving it a lot of thought.

Always thinking about you!! I had a passing thought today: wouldn't it be great if we could do a DB cruise?! All of us on here get together for a weekend getaway!!