How 2 balance detaching & improving communication?

[2thepoint]

Hi SIAS!

I've provided fairly lengthy response to your post that is embedded within the quote block below, so scroll down to see it all. I hope you find it helpful.

Whaddup Everybody!?

Haven't posted on my own sitch in 10 days and am feeling the need for some reason. W & I are pretty much status quo, getting along pretty good as friends and co-parents. Every now and than some good eye contact, flirts, and a hug every other day or so but not a lot of communication.

Oh, but what I wouldn't do for a hug from my wife...

She is currently out of state visiting her best friend and I am home w/ my boys. My youngest had to have 2 tooth extractions yesterday, it was a miserable experience. And my oldest is home sick today /w strep throat which means he can't play in his bball game tonight. That is a huge bummer for me. I am still a competitive bball player and coach and nothing gives me more pleasure than watching my boys play.

I have been getting lost in my mind recently about a few things. The first is I feel like I need to dig in deeper to really know all my parts in the breakdown of our M. For some reason I have difficulty remembering so I'm not sure what I can do. I haven't intiated a R talk and we haven't talked about this in 3+ months. I am extremely diciplined when I have a goal in mind (like not initiating R talk)but am wondering if I'm just being stubborn in not wanting to check in w/ my W on her thoughts about us or checking temp or letting her know my progressions?? I don't think I'm overly concerned about where her head is regarding us right now but that could change in an instant I'm sure depending on what she says.

I often wonder the same thing. In the few discussions following the bomb, did I get everything that my W felt contributed to decision? All I can do and the same is probably true for you as well is to refer back to some of our original posts for guidance and reminders about the things we did wrong in our respective M's.

I think it is important not to temp check because if you do and you miss some important element that your W thinks you should already have known, then that could produce a setback that you don't really want to have to contend with. So, just focus on the things you know are issues, work on yourself, make yourself as attractive as possible, both physically but perhaps more importantly, emotionally and then let the tide continue to carry you along your journey.

I really want to work on myself more because from time to time feelings will resurface and I want to make sure that I deal with them instead of just moving forward. She had stated previously that she wants to remain seperated for 1 year (this is required in our state for a D to happen) so I have kept my timeline based on that.

Then do that ^^^^. Work on yourself AND keep moving forward.

Another fear I am having is that I'm scared she will not change some of the things that I feel necessary for us to begin a new and improved M and thus I'm not sure if I want to remain M to her. I still feel like she can be the 1 and we could have an amazing M but she would have to really commit and make some big changes. One of them is how unimportant I have felt for so long. She has always been a fixer and her friends and family really take advantage of her in dumping their problems on her and she has a hard time saying no. I have felt for a long time that her interactions with them have taken a lot away from us and our potential. Right now she has taken her sister and her 4 kids in w/ her to help her sister out as she was about to lose her kids. My W is now basically raising them.

It sounds like your W really needs to get away to find herself. And I don't mean for a weekend either. Perhaps the best gift you could give your W is to encourage her to get away from everything and everyone for a significant period of time. A week, 2 or 3 perhaps. Is this something you can help facilitate? Can she take a leave of absence from work to accomplish this?

This has always been a touchy subject for me to address with her as she feels I can be controling if she is not 100% focused on me and my kids. I don't believe I am that demanding so I guess we will continue to agree to disagree but I need more clarification on this from her as well as myself. I'm not sure if I can be M to someone who does not have me and my kids #1 (after themselves) as that's how my priorities are #'d.

Another thing is that it is still maddening when she is constantly texting. Prior and up to the bomb she would be texting her friends in our bed until she or I would fall asleep along with all other parts of the day. This is frankly unacceptable to me. It's like she is never fully present with me or our kids and I really don't know if she will be able to change that. (I know I have no control over this) My younger kids have been in tears before because she would not pay attention or respond to them and all 3 of my kids joke around and talk about how all she does is text. Is she 14?? I know now is not the time for me to make any decisions on this but I am fearful.

Your W appears to be lost. She needs to go find herself.

She has also stated leading up to this most recent trip how she just wants to run away and get away. Her job is really bad right now and I feel for her but I do my best just to listen and not solve anything (still difficult not to offer advice). She says how she wants to travel now by herself and go to towns where noone knows who she is and just wander/shop/etc. She said she was always afraid of this, to be alone and do things, but now it seems it is empowering to her. I told her I have great desires to travel too but I want to travel with my loved ones to create memories that will last forever. Maybe we are heading down two seperate paths. Timing is everything, maybe ours is off.

As I mentioned above, maybe you can help her find a way to get away to find herself and deal with her emotional demons away from the distractions of family and work life.

My W is just as lost right now and I am considering seeing about making arrangements for her to really get away from it all. Maybe encouraging her to go home to her family or seeing if she would be interested in just getting away by herself for a prolonged period to reflect and contemplate her future.

I am reading a book that was mentioned in a different post about a woman who leaves her husband for a year in order to find herself and how healing it is for her and her self esteem and her own sense of the woman she once was and the woman she wants to becomes. I think this is what our W's need, perhaps more than anything else.

There is some risk in this for the LBS, though. I mean, for me I'd want my W to go find herself away from all distractions. Hopefully making the determination that the M is worth saving. But what if what she finds is a life that doesn't include the LBS? That's the scary part. On the other hand, wouldn't it be better to know that you gave her that gift and got the true answer instead of forever guessing and then maybe coming back together only to end up in the same stale M or worse?

So I guess the question is, is this a gift you'd be willing to give to your W knowing that the reward maybe one only she would enjoy. But possibly one you both could share in a renewed M.

Just a little something to think about.


Only time will tell.

Glad I got some of that out and hopefully it is what I was thinking/feeling.

Best!!

Wishing you well!