2nd Thread - After almost 1 year, I keep going

[keep_going]

I said in my previous post that H and I have been getting along fine for the most part.

We had that incident about his family finding out about OW in December.

Then this morning we had an email exchange that I realize now I should have handled way better.

He emailed to tell me that OW would be in town this weekend when he has the kids. I had previously asked him to let me know when that would happen. He didn't even say hi or anything, just:

"I wanted to let you know that OW is coming to town this weekend. She will be hanging out with me and the kids on Saturday night and half day Sunday."

Here is my reply:
"I know I had asked you to let me know when this situation would happen and I thank you for giving me a heads up about this weekend.

You know I don't agree with this at all, yet I know I have no control over it.

So in the future, you don't need to give me a heads up anymore. I don't want to know."

---

I was going to leave it at that, and he sent me the following email:

"Ok. I understand. I want you to know that I am being very careful with this. While I want the kids to know OW, I don't want them to rely on her presence yet. So it's little doses spread out over time. And we're doing the same with her kids. They are older so it's a little different.

I wish this was easier, and I'm sorry it hurts you. I feel like I've kept to your wishes and you're still resistant to the kids spending time with her. So I'm not sure how to proceed.

Everyone seems to know about our relationship now, including her ex and family, and my family and friends, and I'm also spending time with her kids, so I feel like we're moving forward as a couple trying to be sensitive to others. This was the hurdle you laid out for us.

Despite what you apparently think, OW is a very loving and kind person. And she gives that example to the kids at all times. I know you don't want to talk about her, but eventually you're going to have to meet her (or at least talk to her), so just let me know when you're ready. I think she wants to talk to you at some point too. She respects you a great deal and doesn't want to hurt you any more than you already feel hurt.

I care for your feelings, and I'm trying to balance that with trying to move forward in my life. I hope you can understand."

---

To me, this is not an email from a man in a MIL. He has simply moved on and is committed to this R with OW. I can see them together for a very long time...

What hurts me is how he is trying to appear like he is doing things right in this whole sitch. He can take that stance with the whole world, but I know how things have happened and I resent the fact that they are both trying to clean up a messy start to save their reputation.

I would respect him more if he came to me with an acknowledgement of the truth - I messed up, I lied and didn't do this right. I was selfish and I'm sorry.

I wished he didn't treat me like I am stupid or I don't know what has happened in the last year. But I understand that is not coming anytime soon. I wanted him to know that he doesn't need to sell me their fairytale story.

I also do not want to hear ANYTHING about her. I am trying to detach and it's so hard as it is. Yet his insensitivity about how his R with her hurts me is appalling. He doesn't realize how him talking about her hurts me - he just doesn't get it. How can he say he is acting according to my wishes???

So my response - which in hindsight came out NOT as neutral as I would have wanted was:

"I understand you are moving forward with your life. I am as well.

But let's clarify - you have not kept to my wishes even though you feel that way, so please don't try to spin the story that way - it is insulting to say the least.

The bottom line is that you are both moving very slowly and carefully to legitimize your relationship. You, her and I know it and that truth will never change. And that is not my problem - you will both have to live with that in your consciences - not me.

And please understand - I DON'T HAVE to meet or talk to that woman eventually or ever. She is in a relationship with you, not me. No thanks."


Yes, not my best email ever...