oys2 - Okay, I see now. What is the saying around here...celebrate the 1%? Or is that just for the WAS?
Journaling...
H is headed to NC for a funeral and to see my SS and in-laws. My sister is coming up tonight, so it'll be good to spend some one on one time with my twin, and not to have an empty house. And with him gone it'll be good not to have to explain why he's been sleeping on the couch. (How does one get him off the couch anyway? GEEZ?)
Last night my H knew I wasn't feeling well, so he offered to bring me some dinner. He also picked up a dress I had in the cleaners when he went to pick up his own stuff. I asked how much it was and said I’d pay him back. He said not to worry about it.
We ate (me at the table, him on the couch of course), and watched some TV. He then got on the laptop in the bedroom and I stayed in the living room watching TV. He then comes almost running into the room saying that he found a new video of one of our favorite artists on the net. And he just stands there like he’s waiting for something. I thought he was just telling me this. Oh no. I then understand he wants me to come watch the video with him. (My husband used to do this all the time, but not so much recently.) So I go in, we watch the video, and start laughing and talking about some other stuff. Once the video is over, I leave the room. As much as I wanted to stay, I know I can’t smother him.
But…here’s where I get into trouble…
This morning as he’s leaving he comes to kiss me goodbye. He leans in and I literally try to suck his lips off. He doesn't pull away. Then leans back, looks at me, kisses me again and hugs me. He says he was sweaty from loading the car, but now he’s really hot. We both walk out into the living room, he comes back to kiss me again, and says I love you. (I did not initiate this...he said it on his own) I say I love you back and then he goes down the stairs saying he needs to stop and get a bottle of water on the way to the train station.
Now I know I was NOT supposed to do that. It’s pursuing, and I'm dead wrong for my actions, but I could not help myself. (Well okay, I probably could have.) I’m seriously in the dry spell from H*LL. I need to pray about this so I either won’t attack him next time I see him, or seek it elsewhere. I know that won’t help the situation at all. It’s just so frustrating. Before everything got really bad, ML was really great between us. Like REALLY great. *sigh*
One other note...my father-n-law (H's stepdad) texted H last night to call him. He told me his stepdad wanted to tell him to make sure he calls his mom. Apparently he hadn't been doing his normal once a week call. (I wonder why?) I was surprised. Anyway, they talk. (He's in his bathroom, and I'm in mine when I hear this conversation. We have two 1/2 baths with a tub separating them. You could hear a fly go by in the other bathroom if you’re in mine.)
He tells his stepdad that everything is okay, and he knows he needs to call more often. His stepdad must have asked if I was coming this weekend, because he said no, she's staying here. I'm just coming for the funeral. They talk some more and get off the phone.
Then I hear sniffling. I'm like is he CRYING? I hear more sniffling. Yes, he is CRYING! I'm thinking to myself What the H*ELL are YOU crying for? Is it because you don't want them to know what you're doing? But I don't really get mad. I actually feel very sorry for him. (Total 180) Because he's really in this by himself. He told me none of his friends know what is going on. He said, how can I tell them this is what I'm doing? (I know...don't believe half of what he says.) I think he may be suffering from a little depression too. But of course, I'm NOT going to tell him that.
He also asked if I had any money and said he would leave me some cash so I’d have enough for the weekend. He didn’t leave any this morning, so I called him to ask about it when I went out to grab lunch. He said he forgot but he’d stop by the house on his way out of town. I said he didn’t have to go out of his way, since I knew he was trying to get an oil change before he left, and that I should be fine for the weekend. He said it wasn’t a problem, and he’d get his oil changed in NC tomorrow if he missed the place. I just said ok. (Normally, I would have kept arguing that he didn’t have to do that. Why can’t I accept when someone wants to do something for me and just let them do it? UGH! Something I need to work on.)
This whole keeping my mouth shut is getting really, REALLY hard. I don't think I've ever not talked about something as long as I have not talking about our R. This is 180 that just might kill me!
I think I may schedule a session with a DB coach for sometime soon. I do have some money saved, and now may be just the right time.
