2nd Thread - After almost 1 year, I keep going

[keep_going]

An update of my sitch and a place for me to vent...

My R with H is still pretty much a rollercoaster.
We get along perfectly fine most of the time.

I have been able to act kindly in a "neighborly kind of way" for the most part. I have been wondering if that is the right approach, since he felt I was neglectful to him emotionally. He still keeps me at arm's length and will not let himself get an inch close to me emotionally. So that is something I am not sure about how to proceed.

He still has not filed - he told me last Fall that he was waiting for me to get back to work before he would. I have not gotten back to work, but am starting to look. He expects me to go back to a full-time job with a 6-figure income - he's said that to me.

I have been clear with him (in a non-confrontational way) that I want a part-time job to be with the kids - they need me, and it will have to pay more than the childcare costs for it to be worth it. I am not sure how or when I will find that.

His reaction to that is negative. He has told me to my face that he does not believe our kids are struggling any more than any other 4 or 3 year-old and that our separation has not affected them. I did not get into an argument with him about that. I simply said I disagreed.

On Wednesday night he came over and started by telling me that he might lose his job in a month. His company is in serious need of a cash infusion and they have weeks to get new investments in. I listened to him tell me in detail about it and validated him. I also encouraged him and was very supportive and told him I had complete faith in him, I believed in him and we would all be fine.

At one point I asked - what would be the worst that could happen? He replied that they would need to layoff people.

I also asked him if he was looking at other opportunities. He mentioned that a friend offered him a job, but he doesn't want to work for that friend....

So the next morning I thought about his comments and started wondering why he said then that he would lose his job and how he didn't want to take an exiting opportunity, if he is really in such a bad sitch. And then I remembered what he said in the Fall. Could it be that he is just trying to pressure me into getting back to work? Perhaps.

A bad dynamic in our marriage - I always hated working long hours. He always said he would be supportive if I decided to quit. Yet, anytime I didn't have work, he would constantly ask me when my next gig would start and make comments about needing money. I always felt such pressure from this and resented him for these mixed messages.

The worst is that I am feeling that same dynamic playing out again. He said he would respect my time-frame for getting back to work and yet I am feeling pressured again based on what he said last Fall and his constant comments about his job sitch.

I hate being distrusting of him. I have always believed in people in general and I like being that way. And this is the man that I believed in blindly for 19 years and now I am always wondering if there is an ulterior motive to his actions. Granted - he earned my distrust, but I hate that.

I felt like we had had a great conversation, that I showed support and that we somehow bonded (our R has really become more and more distant in the last few months - not my choice). But I realize that he doesn't see it the same way. More to come...