Together since we were 15...Part 3

[Jenna333]

Anyone else have any input? I'd really appreciate it!

I bawled on my way to my mom's to pick up the kids last night. There was a detour and I had to drive right by his work. I saw his car. If we were together, I would have stopped in and surprised him.

S and I are meeting him in a couple of hours. J didn't like my new boundary of not coming inside my house, but understands.

I think a big part of me worries he is just wanting what he can't have. He knows I wouldn't take him back unless he wanted to come home more than anything, and he doesn't feel ready for that yet. He seemed so scared and sad yesterday when he was asking me if he's the only one that thinks about our relationship. I told him I feel like he keeps checking me to make sure I haven't moved on. He said he isn't, but that he's having a very hard time letting me go. I think he wants to let the *old* me go, not the new me. Wishful thinking. I wasn't making much eye contact with him yesterday. He asked me if I'm having a hard time looking at him. I'm not, I just don't want that connection, if that makes sense. I'm stronger when I feel detached from him. He has said many times that he feels it's unfair that he spent almost 9 years with a shell of who I really am and that it took him leaving for me to blossom. I was the first to say I felt like a shell of a person for so long, and that really stuck with him. I said that soon after he left. He said he feels he doesn't really know me. He's intrigued by the new me and says its so great to see me changing, but it hurts him at the same time.

The big 180 for him yesterday was him focusing on his issues for once. He said he's done a lot of thinking and realized his lying issues stem from before he even met me and they aren't a result of anything I did. That was just how he'd rationalize it. He said he doesn't feel like he really knows himself. He was too immersed in our relationship as well to have his own identity. That surprised me to hear. He was gung-ho about counseling! That was a trip. He has always been so against it. He seemed almost excited to think of us being together again...someday, not now.

He keeps asking me where I am in my menstrual cycle. A part of me wonders if he is secretly hoping I am pregnant with his baby. He said he'd definitely come home if I were. I'm not pregnant, and I don't want to be. I don't know, it's just his tone when he brings it up that makes me think that on some level, he wants me to be pregnant so that he has a pressing reason to come back, because he's scared to make the choice to on his own. He said in many different ways yesterday that he doesn't feel like he's good enough for me right now and that he needs to become a stronger, more confident person...a person that I deserve.

I just know that I can't make the mistake of talking to him about the R anymore unless he wants to come home. I feel like I gave him tips on how to let me go! I didn't mean to. I'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts. I just don't want to do/say anything to help him to move on. He says he doesn't want to hold me back from living my life throughout all of this and he doesn't want me waiting for him...but when I tell him that I won't be sleeping with him again unless we're in a committed R, I don't want the person that he is right now, I am starting to move on...he panics. It all comes back to me feeling like he's testing us. I feel like he won't come back until he has experienced an R with someone else. He says no, he won't be comparing me to anyone else, but then he says other things that show otherwise (like when he said he's met some interesting people, but they aren't me). He said he wants to be the man that I deserve and he'd love to be with me forever, but he isn't ready.

He also said the 3am call was a total accident, and he canceled it when he realized he tapped on my name instead of his buddy's. That would explain why it only rang once or twice. Kinda bummed me out to hear that. I was hoping that he was missing me and called because of that. Oh well.

It's always a bit strange and awkward to go back to detaching and speaking to him about official business only after connecting with him and talking about the old R and possible future R.

I don't want to negatively project, but I don't feel like we'll ever reconcile