lc, if you want to find me on the alt, suggest a group that I can join and I'll make sure it's obvious as to who I am when you take a look through the group members.
It's been awhile since I've updated my thread. I don't post much anymore, but I do keep up with a number of folks here by reading other threads. I don't know that anyone will read this, but if they do, I hope it offers hope that life does not end with the bomb drop/discovery of op/your spouse moving out, etc. As I still consider myself early in the reconciliation period, I don't know that I have much to offer others as far as advice goes. I do know that if you follow MWD's DB/DR principles, you will at the very least become a "new and improved" version of your old self, and at best you will be new and improved AND have a new and improved marriage with your spouse. However, you have to give DB/DR your very best consistently. Otherwise, you may end up like I did the couple of times before when my husband dropped the bomb...making short-term changes long enough to get your spouse interested again only to revert to bad behaviors and run into the same ol' problems.
I'm reconciling with my husband after bomb #3. I must say, the third time is the charm for us. I won't go into all our history here, but it's been a very tough road for the past 4 years. When we "reconciled" in the past, we almost immediately fell back into old habits, and within a couple of months, our relationship was falling apart again. This time, after much resisting and heartache and tears, I truly let my husband go. I focused on making myself better, not for him, but for myself, my kids and my other loved ones. I started practicing gratitude for the many blessings in my life. I worked hard on learning to TRULY forgive. I learned to stop complaining about every little thing I didn't like or that didn't go my way. Just like our spouses say when they drop the bomb on us, life is too short to waste being unhappy. And I was unhappy. I realized that only I am responsible for my happiness, so it was time to start making it happen in my life.
My husband moved home in October after moving out in June. He had dropped the bomb late April (almost a year ago now). We started coming back together early fall. The lease on his other home had run out, and we have cleaned it out and closed that chapter of our lives. We've both mended some relationships with others that were hurt during our marital troubles. We've also reconciled with each other's families. We show great respect for each other even when we disagree. It's so different from the past, including pre-bombs. Our lives are open books to each other. He has been careful to let me know where he always is so my mind doesn't go to dark places. I didn't ask him to do this; he just does. Life is more peaceful, less stressful and happy. Our family life has improved drastically.
It hasn't always been easy. We hit some bumps early in piecing, and they were great reminders that DB/DR is a lifestyle, not something you just do for a short amount of time. Since the beginning of the year, life has been better than I ever remember before.
Forgiveness is key for reconciliation. We do not bring up past transgressions. We have wiped the slate clean. That doesn't mean that I don't have moments or days when I am haunted by the past and fearful of "what ifs". I work through those times best I can and do not lash out at him (like in the past). It's not fair to hold past transgressions over his head to use when I'm having a bad day, just as it wouldn't be fair for him to do that to me. That's not what true forgiveness is.
There are some people in my life who think I was weak and foolish to give my marriage another shot. I can see why some might feel that way. There were many times I was ready to give up on the marriage and go through with divorce. All I can say is that I'm glad I listened to my inner voice and not others who weren't supportive of my decision. I'm really grateful for my many loved ones who supported my decision, no matter what it was. I love my husband, my family, my life. This is what is right for me. My only regret is not REALLY DBing the times before.
I wish everyone on this board all the success and happiness that is out there waiting for them. Many, many thanks to those here who have cared about me. Not everyone who is here will save their marriage, but I'm certain if you stay the course you WILL save yourself.
*correction: his lease HAS run out just now, not when he moved back in last October. I'm glad we are no longer paying for a house we haven't used in months!
Very, very nice post. I can see how it might have its place in the Newcomers area. I think it would give some of the newbies some hope. There's a good chance it may give some of the veterans some energy to keep going.
I am so happy for you. I think you're in a very good place and you have a lot of momentum in the right direction. I can remember those time when you were about to give up. It seems to me like you reached a turning point at that moment.
I still continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.
Thanks for dropping by Beibs and KD...who now is officially Kraft Dinner! Nothing like some good ol' mac and cheese!
Yep, JB...things are GOOD, and in large part, thanks to YOU and others here. Those times when I was ready to give up, you were one of those who helped remind me to take a deep breath. I am forever grateful for your friendship. KD, you, too, are a calm voice of reason on the boards, who I am grateful for. I always gain insight when I read your comments on other threads. Both of you guys are an asset to this community.
I wish someone had taught me DR principles before saying "I do", as they truly are important principles to enforce throughout marriage, including when times are good. I've also used the principles in my other relationships...with kids, family members, friends, etc. I know you have done the same, JB!
Lovingly enforcing boundaries and respecting each other's boundaries has been key for our reconciliation as well. Before, I think my husband and I both just assumed what was acceptable and what wasn't for the other person. Now that we have a clear understanding of each other's boundaries as well as each other's needs, things run SO much more smoothly!
JB, you are correct in that this is an ULTRAmarathon! I appreciate your ongoing prayers and thoughts, and know that I do the same for you.
I don't go to the piecing threads any more - mainly cause I feel so far away from that possibility... but, for some reason, I did tonight. And I found your great post.
Thank you, as always, for putting something out there that is so useful to those of us still on this journey.
I've cut and pasted your insights into my personal archive so that I can remind myself of what's important:
practising gratitude, forgiving, being responsible for my own happiness.
How wonderful that I've been able to learn these things!
