Forgiveness

[25yearsmlc]

25...We have a system in our school district that allows us to go online and check our kids grades and schoolwork. And all of the teachers are available by e-mail or phone. But sometimes there are other communications and situations related to school regarding my son that are only sent/or made known to me...and the same goes for my daughter and her mother. These are situations where we both could communicate with each other.


Since you only control YOU, then YOU START sending her the info about your son, regardless of whether she does the same for you re: daughter.

Set the example, with zero expectations that she'll follow suit.

You'll know you did right by him and her. That's got to be enough for you.



And we could also seek each others input regarding the kids grades and such. Assuming the best of her motives would certainly be different.
Yes, my assumptions are based on past experience. My perception of it was certainly a reality for me. My role in this has been what it has...I've owned it since day one...I've not denied anything that I've done. I have changed 25.

You SAY this^^^ often. Most posts...now SHOW it. Drop the past. You can't change it.

In sum, You want HER to change. You want HER to apologize or "own" her stuff and that may never ever happen.

Even if it did happen, internally, you might not ever know. Do you really want to keep hoping and waiting for it and getting hurt when it does not happen? I say all this for YOUR sake.

I'm able to have compassion, for others and myself. I didn't before. Anger does not control me anymore. It once did. I now realize that love from others shouldn't be taken for granted. It should be nourished daily, constantly...and seen for the blessing it truly is. I'm more patient, understanding, and kind. And I want to do better.

Sorry for the bluntness, but just DO better now. I have read the above^^^ from you countless times. Then you come here, and with the exception of the recent posts about your youngest d, you vent, and then vent again, and you stay stuck.

You are hurt now. That will happen again. React in a new way for you. That's what "doing better" means..


I have no control over whether others believe it or not. I don't deny that I'm still hurt by the past. I have no intentions of punishing her if the situation arises.
She 'has' excluded me from relevant school information concerning our daughter that she has custody of. At least as much, if not more, than I have her. No double standard there.


Seriously? Um, you still have the measuring Scorecard...lose it. Just set the example of what YOU think "co-parenting" means and drop it.

You keep talking about how great/nice/beneficial it would be for the kids if you two got along "for their sake"---- but you don't get along.

Whether she won't or can't, or you two are too ingrained in decades of toxic communications, is truly irrelevant atm.

You only control how you react...don't spend energy on the unfairness of it all...

You want UNFAIR? Check out Africa...or Cambodia, or most of the world, to get some perspective...

She's also excluded me from ----- I do want to move forward in my life, I do want to let go completely of my past,

What is stopping you? You say a lot of "want to" or "will try to" but what is stopping you from DOING these things?

it'd be nice if others would let go of my past...but I have no control over that


yes it would be nice. But when you say you are letting go-BUT then often check to see if they are being "fair back" to you or reciprocating, makes it seem that your changes are only for the sake of getting THEM to reciprocate.

A real change in you would happen regardless of what they do or think or say.
You would only focus on how YOU responded differently..in many, many months time, you MAY notice a change in how they behave. Or not.

But you still do your work.

Antlers, Swim to the other shore without looking over your shoulder to see if they're following you. It slows down your progress a lot.


.--- I see your point though...you want me to let go of 'her' past too. "Be here now, today. And go from this day forward. No matter what else she did in the past--let it go. Start fresh." OK. I do see the utter importance of this. I do realize that my negative assumptions and projections of her intent don't help me.

so DO it. Let it go. Don't talk about the process and how you've only been doing it for 3 months out of 3 years, and how it's "new" and "it's hard" and blah blah blah.

Sorry Antlers, but if you KNOW this, then do it.

Is some part of you still thinking it's all got to be even? It won't and it can't be. Accept that, and you'll be a lot farther on the road of letting go.

It is hard though, to just push aside how she's dealt with me in the past. I don't take anything out on anybody anymore, except maybe myself. Hurt, feeling bad...I just feel them now...but I don't take it out on others. "It's fine to prepare for the worst, but stop assuming it, fearing it, expecting it, and borrowing it from tomorrow." OK. That makes sense and I do see how important that is. These are the kinds of things that I really benefit from in communicating with you...these statements that you make that really strike a cord. " Stop what you know is not helpful...
Our thoughts matter...and you actually CAN control THOSE." Again, I agree wholeheartedly.
I must let go of things that are beyond my control.

Maybe my wish for co-parenting isn't possible. But I do feel it would be in the best interests of our kids if we could.


Yes we know you think it's best for the kids. It's just not likely to happen soon, if at all. The ONLY thing YOU can do is model it, or go to court to try and force it.

Which response is the new you going to choose?


I think she still holds a lot more resentment toward me than I hold negative feelings regarding her.


OMG Antlers...you are negatively projecting/mind reading AND measuring-again...geez....NOT important now anyhow. And it's Totally counter productive for your growth...and you are NOT letting go, still....

do you see how I see this?

She's made it clear to my brother. It'd sure be in the kids best interests if we weren't at war with each other anymore.

Yes it would be. It'd also be "nice" or "best for the kids" if you never divorced - or if you never took out your self esteem problems and anger issues on them. You want them to let go of that b/c YOU have changed...but you keep on wanting and expecting the same from them. You may not get it. Ever.

That cannot prevent your own happiness. If it does, then you've missed a big part of this solution based approach to marriage and life.

I guess 'let it go' rings true again here. Shouldn't I at least put forth an effort though, when the time is right?

To MODEL good behavior? Yes. Start today. To expect HER to comply/reciprocate with your expectations? NO. Maybe never.


YOU don't get to MAKE HER do something...unless you go to court, and maybe "win", which you SAY you don't want to do...and which I really believe would backfire on you, again. To them, it will look like control issues of yours or you being punitive.


Because parenting separately hasn't been beneficial for the kids.


Not the way you two do it. Your approach has been tit for tat with personal attacks and or open wounds bleeding onto the kids. YOU CAN stop your part in that.

I have no desire to control anybody but me.

check yourself...I mean, I hope that's true...but check yourself for that.


I am hurt; I think anybody would be under these circumstances. Him leaving our home and being over there for this long IS new.

and that hurts. I get that. But as I recall, It's not the first time he's gone over there. So how is that new?

The problems that it presents ARE new.

you mean financially or what?


Yep, he played us. I see it for what it is. He didn't get his way and ran to the other parent. She sees it differently. She sent a text to my brother saying that he needed time in a "happy, peaceful, truthful, positive environment".

You see that as an insult and maybe it is. So? Plus, SHE may really believe, based on the past, that she's giving an accurate rendition of how it was at your place.

It doesn't matter. If you know the truth, that HAS to be enough for you-- or you'll always be going in circles trying to get people to see it your way.


Yeah...I wouldn't die from that worst case scenerio...but it truly would be awful for me.

does it help to think about what might be awful to you in the future? Of course not. The only "remedy", such as it is, is GAL. So How are your GAL going? I'd like to hear about those.

I do realize that I'm making myself miserable thinking about it, and the possibilities of it getting worse...ahead of time. I'll work on that the best I can.

Antler, just let it go. Put the STOP SIGN in your mind every time you wander over to the "stinkin' thinkin'" land...

no more "work on as best I can"...as the Nike commercial says, JUST DO IT....

(((( ))))