i think you are getting it, but look at the text of your own reply to me very carefully and keep a scorecard. when you approach her in any way, i repeat in anyway! (i am being playful with that) what is her reaction? conversely, when you pull back, set boundaries or go dark, what is her reaction? i'm being very sincere now: is there any doubt about what the pattern is?
We have not seen each other since January 12th. She is moving out next week, and I may not see her for weeks yet, despite living in the same small town. To answer your question, prior to the breakup and for several weeks she would often pull away when I hugged has and kisses were little more then pecks. Last summer (before we let the fog roll back in), the intimacy and connection where definitely there, although she claims our great summer was just her trying, and that she was faking it until she could make it. From sometime in October-Dec 11th, she was friendly, we had fun together, enjoyed each other's company, but I felt a distance from her.
From Dec. 11- Jan. 12, the pattern was that I was in tears, was not beyond begging her to stay, wanted to see a marriage counselor to build on tools and communication... and during this time she was mostly calm (although there were some tears) and kept saying she needed space, the separation was more like a break (feel like it's over now), she wanted to live alone for a while and more. The moment I showed strength or an indication I was willing to take the next step in the separation (such as changing my will), she was rattled and teary-eyed.
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as far as what her reactions mean to me, yes, i think it may reflect uncertainty or confusion (although none of us can know for sure). but do you notice none of that comes out when you are pursuing?
Yes I have, and I realize I need to stop pursuing. Every step forward I take toward her is probably making her take three steps back.
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remember, you are you and she is she. no matter how beneficial you perceive your marriage to be, she is an entirely different person and at this point perceives it differently. i have been where you are and i know how difficult this is. it's shocking, confusing, mystifying, heartbreaking and many other things.
You're telling me. I have heard that at her work she seems happy without a hint of hurt. She has always been good at hiding her true emotions (fooled me last summer when I felt/thought out connection was back). I have heard she seems happy, looking forward to being single and her independence. A mutual friend has said the same thing... that she is looking forward to being single. That makes me feel so rejected, hurt... it's like I don't matter at all and have been thrown away like an old shoe. I miss my wife and best friend, but it's like she doesn't even care about me or about us. THAT is very hard to deal with.
What do you this means?
I made the mistake of sending her a message this morning about that that... asking her if she feels we still have a chance, if we're done, and letting her know that I feel rejected and am hurting. I mentioned her actions were a good indication of what she thought about our marriage, our relationship, about me, and says a lot about her as a person. I realize it was not smart to send her this message. There are no indications there is someone else in the picture, but she is so concerned about her reputation she would go to great lengths to hide things if there was indeed an affair.
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will you do me a favor and make a list of five very, very, very small things you will do tomorrow that are different from what you typically do and then do them? and then let me know what that was like?
Sure...
1) When I get emotional about her and this loss, change my thoughts to something more positive. 2) Until the house sells, rearrange furniture to make the house feel different. 3) Not obsess over Facebook as much. 4) Try to enjoy my free time and watch a movie alone. 5) Read more of the self-help books I've bought instead of getting so down.
I realize I have to work and focus on myself and what I can control. Although I wish my wife happiness, so hear that she is so happy leaving our marriage is absolutely heart-breaking. I know I am a good guy. There has been no abuse, cheating (at least on my side), I am not controlling, I support her in her goals. Heck, even our marriage counselor said that in all of his years as an MC he cannot figure this situation out... of why someone would want to leave a marriage with so much going for it. My wife has said she doesn't love/like herself, and maybe that's part of things... she has told me she feels she has to address her personal issues before she can see about addressing those of our marriage. She does not feel strong enough to do both.
So, I am in a situation where I feel so much desire t work on us, but she is just not interested. That is very, very painful.
