We can only hope that being away from home and working will help him miss his family. Sometimes a lonely hotel you can have that effect.
Dancing is the perfect GAL activity. Mystery, men and moving. Have fun!
H is not a dancer and when I used to take salsa lessons a while back, H never said that he was jealous and knew where my "bread is buttered". I'm kinda hoping that maybe now that things are not so great between us, that maybe he might get a little jealous knowing that I am dancing with other guys
Ok, I dont' think getting H jealous worked too well. H didn't get home until 1AM!!! This is the latest he's been out, ever! H's soccer games were supposed to end at 9PM and he said he'd stay to have a couple of beers with team mates. I know I shouldn't have, but at 12:45AM I texted H asking if he was ok. For all I knew, he could have gotten into an accident or something, especially since he was planning on drinking. H texted back saying that he was on his way home. When he got home, I didn't say anything, but I did look at the time. H's immediate reaction: "What?" I just said "nothing". Then H asked how the place was where I went; I said 'good'. I asked how soccer was, he said 'it was ok'. That was it. I found it very hard not to say anything. I know the "old" me would have made a comment about him getting home late and I was trying my best to be quiet. I know that getting worked up about it won't help and that I can't control what he does. I have to accept it. I'm still irritated though. Terrible night sleeping.
Finally had another IC session. It felt good to get some things off my chest. Not sure if I was able to take anything from this session other than her advise to keep myself distracted and redirect my thoughts if I feel hurt/angry/upset. I told her about this wonderful community and the support I've been getting. Most of the stuff she told me is in line with what I'm getting here, so why am I paying for counseling again? I guess it does feel good to be able to talk to someone in person though. I must say, I didn't cry as much as I expected.
Ugh...having a crappy night. H just sprung his R talk while he was getting ready for soccer and it didn't go very well. While I tried to remember to stay composed, I'm sure my tone wasn't the greatest (I didn't yell, just let my frustration come out more than I wanted). H asked if I had given any more thought about things and I told him I hadn't changed my mind, and he said he didn't change his either. He said we're still not good together, he doesn't like coming home, doesn't like the tension. He said that he's tried for 13 years to make us work and I didn't listen. I know, I know...I shouldn't believe anything he says and I tried not to get defensive, but I think I did a few times. I so wanted to bring up OW, but didn't. Although I did make some indications by saying I have nothing to hide from him (that's after he was accusing me for doing or not doing something) and he said he didn't either. H said that he wants us to do everything amicable for the sake of our son. I said that I'll do what's best for me and S4. Ugh, why does he have to be such a stubborn head. When is he going to "snap out" of it? H sure has a way to put me down and feel like I failed. Feeling frustrated right now, but in a way it might be good if he did leave. H never mentioned what exactly he wants...S or D? He just says we'd go "our separate ways". Seeing how impatient he is with S4 and always at him for talking too loud, or moving, or not doing this or that....it makes it easier for me to imagine life without him because I don't like seeing that. I want S4 to have a dad who shows his love and not always at him for something. Of course he'll always be his dad, but if this is how he chooses to be with S4, then it will be painful for me to watch.
Not necessarily. My H looked the cost as well, but now we are trying to put our M back together. My H and I have been separated 6 1/2 months. Well, he started to talk to me around the holidays. And he would bring up what I did wrong in the marriage and I did not get defensive or disagree with him. I did however tell him that I understood how he can see things a certain way.
nhmom- you and I could have married the same guy! Your talk went exactly like mine did the other night.... You handled it as best as you could- especially since you didn't have time to gather your thoughts.
Be proud of yourself for not loosing your composure!
My H researched prices too.... He became overwhelmed at the cost. He's really. cheap by nature, and the 'cost' of his decision was weighing down on him. In fact, he's decided not to use a L, and just go with what mine says... More of that strange 'alien' behavior!
Chin up, it's not over till you say it's over!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
There was a round 2 of R talk last night after H came back from soccer and woke me up because he had more things to say. This time I think I was more in control of my feelings and bit my tongue A LOT. The outcome was not any better, but I feel a little better about how I handled it. Examples of me biting my tongue:
H: The last 6 months you treated me like s***.
M: I agree with you that it was a difficult time. I was going through a lot (stress at work and possible mild depression as a result). It was a dark time for me and didn't know how to cope with it, so I withdrew.
H: That's "BS". I don't care what you were going through, you shouldn't have withdrawn. I went through many difficult situations before, but I ran to you for support. You didn't. You should have showed me that you loved me, but you didn't care.
M: (trying very hard not to say anything defensive) I'm not saying that what I was going through is an excuse. I know I should have shown you more of what you wanted. I just didn't know how to cope with the amount of stress. I know I've made mistakes and I own them. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. But I'm learning from them.
H: The worst part of this all is that it took you 13 years of doing nothing and when I said I was done, you magically opened your eyes.
M: I'm sorry it took all this time and that it had to come to this for me to realize the magnitude of our problems. I didn't realize what was going on and I didn't see your frustration. Would you rather have me not realize at all?
H: I would have liked to realize things much sooner. The fact that it took to come to this says all I need to know about you. You didn't care about what I was feeling and said that it was all in my head.
H did more of his usual walking in and out of the room for more accusations. H said: "What is there to save? Tell me one reason that we should try to save this."
I admit that I was having a hard time responding. I wasn't prepared for this. I just told him that there is a lot to save. That we are at a very low point right now (he interjects by saying we've hit rock bottom), but that doesn't mean we need to give up. We need to try to work through things (H: I've been trying for 13 years. M: I understand you have, but you were doing it alone. We should try to work on this together). I said that we both come from "broken" families and that I want to show S4 what a good family is. H: "If you wanted that, then why didn't you show it; why didn't you do anything about it?"
H: You always try to look for more, to make things better. I've been telling you for 3 years that you should be happy with what you have. M: I know you have told me many times, I remember. I realize now that I should have focused more on the present. I agree that I have a lot to be grateful for. H: You "had" a lot to be grateful for.
I know I'm missing quite a bit. I told him that we should go to MC, that we need somebody to help us get through things and be able to communicate better with each other. H refused. Surprisingly I was able to fall asleep shortly after he left to sleep on the couch.
This morning in between doing things to get ready for work H would say things here and there.
In the bathroom: H: What does your therapist say about me? Does she understand what I feel? M: It's hard for her to have a full picture of you without you being there, but I do tell her how you feel. I don't just go there to blame you for everything. She understands your frustrations.
In the kitchen: H: How did you expect me to be? M: What do you mean? H: How did you expect me to handle all of this? M: I understand that you have years of frustration built up and I know that it will take a long time to get through it, but I was hoping that you'd be more open to wanting to attempt to work things out.
Sorry for the jumbled mess, but that's how it usually goes in my house. I feel like I always have to be prepared for the "attack", but I'm finding myself caught. I think I handled this mornings "talks" ok.
And before we leave (we usually leave the house at the same time in the morning) H asks me what's for dinner? WTH? I just told him that I wasn't planning on cooking.
You did awesome in your responses (IMO)!!! I swear we married the same guy My H said those things shortly after the bomb, but not too much anymore.
I think it's a 'thawing' positive that he even asked: "what's worth saving?" To me, that means its on his mind- even if he's only thinking about the negative aspects of the R- at least he's thinking about it. (like those annoying commercials that you can't get out of your head- you complain about them- but they've done their job because you're thinking about their product!)
Have you read Crimson's post? He recently had a great experience with writing his WAW a letter conveying his feelings about their ditch, and even a letter specifically addressing the 'why did I have to walk away for you to get it?' question... I found it helpful to read his letter and how he handled the process. I've been considering doing the same, maybe something to think about if you get so inclined.
Mark today as a positive for you on the calendar! You kept your calm, you didn't escalate the sitch (even though that appeared to be what he wanted by continuing to pester you), and you weren't a doormat..... ALL good things!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
These are all really good signs!! Your expectations are totally unrealistic. Your H is not going to say "NHmom, baby I love you so much, this was all a terrible mistake"
He is questioning what he is doing. I would highly recommend calling a coach and figuring out answers to some of the questions he asked. Saving your marriage is worth the money!!! He had a lot of interesting questions that they could give you the Right answers to
"""How did you expect me to handle all of this?""
He is saying How do you want me to handle these feelings I have. He has no idea as a man how to handle feelings. He might want to punch you but he knows that is wrong so instead he runs away. He might have sexual feelings for other woman but he knows its wrong because he is married so he is suppressing these feelings and running.
You handled these talks okay but you could have handled them better he is opening the door ever so slightly be gentle.
MAKE DINNER AND MAKE SOMETHING HE LIKES. You are in a good spot. Who cares if he googled divorce costs. Who cares if he stayed out till 1A? You are in a good spot he is trying to figure out how to come back to you. Be the woman only a fool would leave.
When he comes back, down the road we can work on how he treats S4 - one problem at a time.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Wow! I think it's great that your H is I initiating the R talks and asking the questions he is. And you handled yourself in the best way you could despite being bombarded.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
