There was a round 2 of R talk last night after H came back from soccer and woke me up because he had more things to say. This time I think I was more in control of my feelings and bit my tongue A LOT. The outcome was not any better, but I feel a little better about how I handled it. Examples of me biting my tongue:
H: The last 6 months you treated me like s***.
M: I agree with you that it was a difficult time. I was going through a lot (stress at work and possible mild depression as a result). It was a dark time for me and didn't know how to cope with it, so I withdrew.
H: That's "BS". I don't care what you were going through, you shouldn't have withdrawn. I went through many difficult situations before, but I ran to you for support. You didn't. You should have showed me that you loved me, but you didn't care.
M: (trying very hard not to say anything defensive) I'm not saying that what I was going through is an excuse. I know I should have shown you more of what you wanted. I just didn't know how to cope with the amount of stress. I know I've made mistakes and I own them. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. But I'm learning from them.
H: The worst part of this all is that it took you 13 years of doing nothing and when I said I was done, you magically opened your eyes.
M: I'm sorry it took all this time and that it had to come to this for me to realize the magnitude of our problems. I didn't realize what was going on and I didn't see your frustration. Would you rather have me not realize at all?
H: I would have liked to realize things much sooner. The fact that it took to come to this says all I need to know about you. You didn't care about what I was feeling and said that it was all in my head.
H did more of his usual walking in and out of the room for more accusations. H said: "What is there to save? Tell me one reason that we should try to save this."
I admit that I was having a hard time responding. I wasn't prepared for this. I just told him that there is a lot to save. That we are at a very low point right now (he interjects by saying we've hit rock bottom), but that doesn't mean we need to give up. We need to try to work through things (H: I've been trying for 13 years. M: I understand you have, but you were doing it alone. We should try to work on this together). I said that we both come from "broken" families and that I want to show S4 what a good family is. H: "If you wanted that, then why didn't you show it; why didn't you do anything about it?"
H: You always try to look for more, to make things better. I've been telling you for 3 years that you should be happy with what you have. M: I know you have told me many times, I remember. I realize now that I should have focused more on the present. I agree that I have a lot to be grateful for. H: You "had" a lot to be grateful for.
I know I'm missing quite a bit. I told him that we should go to MC, that we need somebody to help us get through things and be able to communicate better with each other. H refused. Surprisingly I was able to fall asleep shortly after he left to sleep on the couch.
This morning in between doing things to get ready for work H would say things here and there.
In the bathroom: H: What does your therapist say about me? Does she understand what I feel? M: It's hard for her to have a full picture of you without you being there, but I do tell her how you feel. I don't just go there to blame you for everything. She understands your frustrations.
In the kitchen: H: How did you expect me to be? M: What do you mean? H: How did you expect me to handle all of this? M: I understand that you have years of frustration built up and I know that it will take a long time to get through it, but I was hoping that you'd be more open to wanting to attempt to work things out.
Sorry for the jumbled mess, but that's how it usually goes in my house. I feel like I always have to be prepared for the "attack", but I'm finding myself caught. I think I handled this mornings "talks" ok.
And before we leave (we usually leave the house at the same time in the morning) H asks me what's for dinner? WTH? I just told him that I wasn't planning on cooking.
