Too Little, Too Late.... part 4

[purgatory]

Journal: random things and observations

H keeps asking (almost daily): "so, you're still planning on leaving?"
His tone always sounds a little irritated. And then he tells me that he supports my decision.... It makes me feel guilty. I'm really trying to fight off that feeling. The first few times that he asked, I got mad because I thought he wasn't paying attention to me when I would give him my answer, now I'm starting to think he's doing it to pressure me to change my mind, and I'm starting to question my choice.

H still has his wedding ring on his keys. Why would he choose to keep a daily reminder of our M? I can't even look at mine without crying, so it's tucked far back in my jewelry box.

Last night, was H's night to be in charge of the boys. I went to the bookstore and re-read DR book. Each time I read it- I have a new filter of my personal experiences to bring to the text, and I have new revaluations each time. I went to a late movie and didn't get home until 12. [btw- I saw Joyful Noise. It's not that great of a script, but the music in it is like going to a church sermon- very uplifting!]
The baby woke up screaming at 3am.... And he wasn't stopping. After 5 minutes of this, I went into the room (baby sleeps in our bedroom, so H was in there) to see what was wrong. H said: "I don't know what he wants- he won't stop crying." I asked if I could help- instead of jumping in to do it (a 180 for me)- and said, sure. H never got out of the bed, I'm not sure he woke up completely. I changed his diaper, and made him a bottle... It took 5 minutes, and he stopped crying. Problem solved. H said "thanks" and rolled over to go back to sleep. I asked if he felt like I was insulting him by coming to help- he said no.

Things I noticed:
* I didn't *want* to help because it was my night off, but I couldn't sleep through his screams and I wanted to make sure the baby was taken care of.... But I'm sure he thought I was being controlling, so I probably should have just stayed in my room.
* even when H and I shared our bedroom, *I* was always the one to get up and deal with the baby- he never had to figure out the 'checklist' to go through. This was a conscience decision, because H always had to get up at 5 to go to work, and i was a stay-at-home mom, i decided that he need to get more rest- so i was never bitter about dealing with nighttime issues. He used to joke that my super power was to be able to change a diaper in the dark while breast feeding (never did those 2 together) but I got his point: that I could solve the problem quickly and without turning on lights.... But now, H has got figure it out on his own. I wonder if he has had *that* realization: that I won't be there to fix things for him.

He even mentioned yesterday, that he wants to take a few weekends away before he leaves in June, some with the boys, some alone. Why the he!! Does HE need alone weekends?!?! He's not going to be with the boys for a whole year! And why does he feel the need to tell me that he 'needs weekends away', when he has every-other-weekend to do whatever he wants to! He feels like we need to be even or something- Talk about selfish!!

My trip and his realizations that *he* has to do everything- seem to be making him angry at me. I don't like that.