Confused... Need a little Guidance

[DBinSF]

Hi all,

Thanks for getting back. I actually never saw any of the replies from July until now! A few days went by and my post hadn't posted, so I figured I wasn't let in the community or something... Nice to see all that feedback. Many, many thanks!

So, what ended up bringing her back into my life to SOME degree is that I did a 180, went dark for three months and Got a Life. I look better, feel better, and give off better energy than I have in years. I'm writing and performing music again (although she has no idea). I've been in Alanon for 8 months, and I'm working the steps with a sponsor. I have a serenity about me now that I never had before.

She called me out of the blue 3 weeks ago wanting to talk. Unfortunately, I agreed right off the bat rather than taking a little time to get back to her. I was too easy a catch, I think. I was caught entirely off guard and said I'd meet her that day. She texted back 10 minutes later and canceled. Typical. I followed up and called her and she told me how she was in pain, how much she missed me and that she was thinking about me all the time. She said how she never felt for anyone like she did for me, and how she didn't want to "settle" for some nice guy that wouldn't hurt her, but for whom she didn't feel any passion.

I followed up with a soft, easy "I'm here to support you if you need support" message, but tried not to be clinging. She said a few days later she didn't know where this could go and that she didn't really know what to say. I week after, I sent her a heart felt message that I heard where she was, and that I was meeting her in that place -- that i missed her so much and didn't want to settle for anyone else, and that it seemed silly we were both missing each other and not taking the risk to just say "hey, I want you back in my life."

I think she viewed this as "clinging" because she called me the next day and said rather curtly that there was NO WAY we were getting back together and that it was best if we just faded away and played nice when we saw each other this winter (we go to the same ski resort in Tahoe).

I responded saying it was silly not to at least meet up and have a tea, since we never did all that well on the phone or email, and she responded with her typical emotional "why would I meet with you? You never loved me, you are walking contradiction and a liar, and meeting with you is the silliest and scariest thing in the world to me."

That was three days ago and I have not yet responded. My Alanon sponsor believes it's best if I just cut her off -- that I should realize that she is engaging in abusive behavior by knocking on my door and then slamming it in my face. I've drafted an email to that effect (I miss you and wish you could see I've grown and changed, but since you haven't I have to ask you to leave me alone). But I wanted to check in with the community here and see what you all think. I don't want to choose a manipulative course of action SOLELY to get a certain response from her, but I also don't want to push her away even further by cutting her off. Part of me wonders if "rejecting the rejector" might work in this case. If I might actually gain some respect by saying, "Look I've done my work and I got my [censored] together. If you want some of this, come get it, but if you don't stop playing games and leave me alone."

Yes, I'd like to have her back in my life. It's obvious she's still hurt, angry, resentful and distrustful. But at this point, I totally have my [censored] together and I'm attracting amazing women to my life right now, just not her.

- DBinSF

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M-36
W-30
T-4
S-1
Bomb: April '11
W moved April '11