Forward, slow as she goes

[BeingMe]

Thanks for the validation, WCW! Much needed.

[braveheart]

Ugh, perhaps I am being pouty, WCW. He's never firm on when he's coming home, so I do feel a little irritated when it changes at the last moment. D19 was a tad disappointed, but she's used to him changing his schedule. I don't wish or not wish anything .... noooo expectations here. I have no illusion about how my weekend will be like ... as usual, I will be entertaining myself, unless he's awake then I might get to go to a movie. I'm not too concerned. I don't go around moping about an absent H ... this is where I allow myself to vent.

On a positive note ... a creative writing piece of mine has been chosen for our uni annual literary magazine. I am so pleased. Yay! I am allowing me to pat myself on my back.

Being Me, I think you are what I call a passive stander. I say this because you talk about leaving, doing other things, etc. but when it comes time, you always have something that keeps you from going for 6 months or so, then its something else. At the same time you exhibit disappointment when he doesn't do what you want him to and you make statements like "you can just not come home", then when he asks if that's what you want, you back track. Being Me, I'm not saying any of this to put you down, I really think you need to make your mind up for what YOU want. If you want to stay, I think you need to make some changes. You are as predictable as the sun coming up in the morning, and your H knows it. Next time he comes home, try staying out really late, like 2 or 3 in the morning, even if its at a McDonalds having coffee. Make him take a cab home from the airport, don't answer your cell phone. When you get home and he wants to know where you were, just say I was out. Its not a lie, but he's wondering. Get up the next morning and take off. Make his mind start wondering a bit. Nothing is going to change until you make some changes and he is more than happy with the status que.

[WenikiTiki]

Just wanted to say this is my all time favorite title for a thread!

[BeingMe]

Thanks BH, for your input. The thing is, if I wanted H back, I would do all those things. I don't, at this moment in time, want him back. I am just waiting for spring when we can sell the house, then I will decide whether to move out of this town, or stay. But, it won't be with him.

I have no problem picking him up from the airport ... it's only every 3 or 4 weeks, so it's not a big thing. He might be happy with the status quo, but spring will come, and I am busy getting rid of stuff, fluffing up the house in preparation to sell it. Next week, I'm going to be doing some painting.

Maybe I am a "passive stander" ... I don't feel like I'm standing. I am planning for other things in my future, but the process of dislodging from this R will take time. I am grateful that he's not a mean person, and he's making it very easy for me. It's probably why I haven't kicked him out. Hard to do that to someone being nice to you.

I must be such a boring poster. Same ol', same ol'! I really don't have any hope that he will change, no expectation of his having an epiphany, "Gadzooks! What was I thinking ... my poor D, how I have wronged you. Please forgive me, and we will go to counselling and I will right all the wrongs I have made ... blah blah blah." If he did that, I would be very, very suspicious. LOL

I am so done with this M, that I can pick him up at the airport, without feeling resentful. I do get pouty (as WCW puts it) when I think he's coming home the one day, then it changes. Because I do have a life. I only suggested he stay there because I felt it would be easier for him ... he came home today, and has to leave again on Sunday. What's the point? And, it is up to him whether he wants to come home or not. I don't care one way or the other.

I finally got "it", after that long IM we had awhile ago. Nothing is going to change, unless I change it, and that is in the works. I think he's saying he's confused, etc. is just his way of saying, "it's me that's the problem, not you." In the meantime, believing the opposite.

Anyway, thanks for putting up with my pacivity, and still taking time to post. And to everyone else who still follows my thread.

Maybe it's time to stop posting on the bb ... even I am getting bored with the whole sitch. I just want it to be over, but I have to wait.

[BeingMe]

Thanks, WT.

[braveheart]

Being Me, I didn't say you were a boring person, just predictable, as far as your H is concerned. You have pointed out in the past that he knows what buttons to push and he senses when you are thinking about changing things. All I am suggesting to you is, throw him a curve ball. What do you have to lose?

[beatrice]

Hi, have you looked at 4myfamily's thread on Passive Aggressive behaviour, including how to deal with it? I think it has been a real eye opener and clue to 'understanding' how to deal with our MLC spouse's behaviours.

You might find it helpful, as your h strikes me as controlling through PA behaviours which places the onus to sustaining teh relationship on to us.

[BeingMe]

BH - I didn't think you were saying I was boring, but my sitch sure is, as far as I'm concerned. My curveball is this: I no longer allow H to kiss or hug me hullo/goodbye when he leaves/returns on trips (that was the last of any kind of physical contact, and I instituted it in the last month). I am really not interested in him, and have my boundaries firmly in place. He wasn't supposed to come home this weekend, but he decided to do so. He actually asked me if I minded. Weird! He is talking to me more. Again ... weird! I don't start conversations, and don't engage unless he does, then I am friendly. No need not to be. What he doesn't know is that it's too late. He does know what buttons to push, but I think he's getting confused because none of the buttons he's tried to push has had any results lately. Hmmmm ... I wonder what he's thinking ... 'eh, don't care.

Beatrice, I looked at 4MF's thread ... really interesting. My H shows/ed a lot of the traits of a Passive-Aggressive. I know he is very controlling, but that doesn't bother me anymore. He thinks he's controlling me now, but he's not. I just don't care anymore. I have no interest in sustaining this R anymore. The ship has sailed, but if he can swim fast enough and catch up ... hahaha, not possible.

So, this is where we stand now. I am no longer interested in hoping that my M will last. It's a pointless R ... there's no communication, no team work, kids are grown so no-one there to influence me to stay ... I'm just done. The door is closed and locked, windows fastened ... if, IF, he wants back in, he will have to find another way, but he will have to be really creative. I cannot see myself renewing our M, or even trying for a completely new one after D, as some people do. Just don't want him anymore. A month ago, I might've said the door is still unlocked, but no more. He's left it too long. I am so detached that, when I look at him, I feel nothing. No excitement when he's about to return home (as I used to) ... nothing.

I don't even know what a normal, loving, intimate R is like. I want that, but if I can't have that, then I don't want one at all.

[BeingMe]

PS I am lucky that he's not mean, but his mother is declining quite rapidly with altzheimers, and he's turning 50 this year. I wonder how it's all going to effect him.

[WenikiTiki]

Dear BeingMe,

You said:

I don't even know what a normal, loving, intimate R is like. I want that, but if I can't have that, then I don't want one at all.

I can relate to this. I was pondering what my H is currently offering me. The chance to live with him in our evidently boring relationship? I am still so darn confused as to how exactly I could have thought things were good for us, when they weren't.

So I guess the question is: What do you want from a relationship?

Aloha,

Wendy