waiting for the tides to change

[BFloat]

Purg - hahaha.. There is still plenty of crying!! But not as frequent and I am able to calm down a lot sooner than about a week ago.

As for MIL.. I dont expect any insight on H from her as she and H have not seen eye to eye for a while (since kids.. She doesn't always agree w/ H's parenting skills which has been a huge issue w/ them). I do want the kids to see her since she is their grandmother and she and I use to be close (before kids because I supported H). We haven't had a bad relationship.. Just not the same.

I'm afraid I'll be tempted to say "he's like his father! Lying, selfish b&$tard!

My FIL is actually very loving but.. Had a history of having multiple affairs which finally ended his marriage to MIL. He left.. They both moved on.. But today he still has the hope of getting back together w/ my MIL. Drama drama drama.

Ok.. How am I going to GAL tonight w/ the kids at home? I am trying to plan an affordable spring break getaway for them and I. It will be the first family trip I'm planning w/out H and maybe the first one w/ out H in 12 years.

My gf had written me a note a couple of days ago which I read often to remind myself to keep going. I've been meaning to share it because I think it would apply to many of us.. It's directed to me but I truly believe it represents many. Ill post it when i get a chance!

[BFloat]

H emailed saying he wanted to come by tonight or tomorrow morning at S's school for me to sign mortgage renewal forms. I answered that i would prefer tonight. S has had a lot of emotional breakdowns these past couple of days and I worry that him seeing H in the morning and them him leaving would upset him more. I told this to H but he didn't seem to care for details.

I really just want to smack him! I have the forms ready and just want him to come get the papers and then just leave. I just don't want to cry!!!

[BFloat]

Bad timing. H showed up and then my mom showed up 2 seconds later. So I just gave him the forms.. Signed and then said bye. H greeted my mom saying "hi mom". I didn't hear what she said. It was awkward.. But at least it was quick.

In a way, I feel relieved that the mortgage is renewed because everything was so up in the air. At least now I'll know what the payments will be and can figure out whether the kids and I will be able to afford to stay here. I don't feel so "in limbo". Sigh.

[25yearsmlc]

(((( ))))

the mil is reaching out to you. Be gentle and welcoming to her, w/o bashing h.

a fine line to walk...

[BFloat]

25 - thank you for the much needed hug!

I did email my MIL back telling her she was welcome to come here and that I didn't feel up to going out to eat (especially w/ the kids).

I had my moment of sadness today on my drive home back from S's school. It was family literacy and I spent some time in S's class reading to him and then attended the assembly they had afterwards. I started thinking (and this is all part of my problem!) that H is so uninvolved and seems to be ok that way. There doesn't seem to be any remorse or sadness.

I read about others post where their spouse's engage in these R talks and express things they were unhappy with. With H, he has not mentioned anything specifically.. Just that he wants to be independant and stand on his own two feet. To see what's out there. He tells me he respects me.. Doesn't know where he would be without me.. Sigh. But what does it all matter? It is what it is.

I spend a lot of time repeating.. God, I leave it in your hands... I can not change anyone but myself.. I can only control my own choices..

Is this an ice cream day? Maybe.

[purgatory]

I think it's a 3 scoop day!!

I think the sadness was completely normal for the sitch today with S's school. It's good that you can be sad for him, but you didn't dwell on it and let it go

I like your mantra, I might have to steal that one....

You seem to be coming out of your funk, really happy to see you taking steps into this new phase. Don't be hard on yourself if you have a day where you just want to cry.... do it, and then remind yourself that you can move past it when you're ready.

(((BF))) just know that you have become someone that I think about daily and have genuine care and concern for what's happening with you (I swear, I'm not hitting on you!)

[BFloat]

purg - if you would like to steal my mantra.. go for it!! i basically stole it from 25.. probably off your post!! i think about you daily as well and keep up to date w/ your sitch (just like we were in person friends ;)) i wish you were hitting on me.. hahahaha.. it would be nice to have some attention for a change!

ok.. obviously H did not get the memo that i am going dark! he has emailed every day for the past couple of days. it's been mostly about logistics and finances.. of course he asks about the kids. his latest email (this morning) said he wasn't sure if we was supposed to stay away or coming back (since i had said i want the kids every other weekend). said he didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable.. there is a chinese new year festival over the weekend.. i could take the kids.. or he could.. or if i was ok, both of us..

then talked more about stuff bank needed in order to renew our mortgage.

i replied that i was not expecting him this weekend. i had plans with the kids for sat night as well as sun morning but that sat afternoon was open at the moment. i didn't make any suggestions that he should come.. or we could go together etc. i figured.. if he wants to see the kids, he could figure it out and follow through. my 180.. not doing the thinking for him!

i also reminded H that i did not work full time, i work part time (because his email referred to me being FT). i am with the kids full time, and that we had decided at the time that it was best for me to work nights to accomodate taking S to and from school. then said we would still need to meet to see what the finances looked like after all was said and done (i didn't say specifically CS but that is my intention).

i don't know if that was the best email response. i probably could have worded things better. oh! i did say i appreciated him looking into the mortgage renewal. hmmm.. maybe i should have clapped a little louder for that 1%.

i am taking the kids to watch a movie for family movie night at S's school today. tomorrow night we are going to my gf's house for a family pj party (her kids are same age as mine) and then chinese new year parade sun morning! H will take kids sat afternoon to spend some time w/ them. that's ok with me. he didn't ask if i wanted to come w/ them. i didn't tell him what our plans were. he didn't ask.

do i feel sad? sure. i wish we were doing things together as a family. but.. "God, I leave it in your hands... I can not change anyone but myself.. I can only control my own choices.."

[BFloat]

ok.. i hope i responded appropriately during this interaction..

after the movie, S and I were talking about our plans for tomorrow. i told him H would be coming to take S and D out for the day and when they got home, we would be going for our sleepover. S was then asking if H would be staying.. why isn't he staying?? i want him to stay! so i asked if he would like to call H at bedtime which he did.

i had txted H saying S wanted to call. and he responded he would love a call.

afterwards.. H txted to say thank you.. he hadn't had a good day.. but the call helped. i responded.. i'm glad (didn't know what else to say).. he replied thank you (again).

at this point i really wanted to say.. don't thank me.. S wanted to call but i thought that would be like rubbing salt in the wound (although i might have enjoyed that). i finally answered "i'm sorry to hear you didn't have a good day. it is comforting to have the kids" and his response?? "i know. i understand how you must have felt those weekends.. i really am sorry. and thankful that we are able to provide a warm bed for the kids to sleep in".

i'm leaving it at that. not sure what else to say except.. yes you big j*&k!

just needed to get it out there!

[keep_going]

BF - I can't see anything wrong with your latest interaction with H. It seems to me like you handled it well - responding with kindness, but not pursuing.

I love how you are keeping busy with the kids - that makes a world of difference for me as well and it's such a source of joy.

I feel so sad about your son asking for your H to stay. Both my daughters also ask sometimes either as a question, or as a desire. It breaks my heart, but I don't offer to have them call H. I used to try that at first, but he hardly ever answers the phone when I call and many times, never returns my phone calls (same with texts), so I stopped doing so.

The phone works both ways and if he wants to talk to his kids, he can call me. Yet he never does... My therapist told me to stop trying to fix or improve his R with his kids. It's his responsibility and I cannot do it for him.

I do just want my kids to stop hurting, but I get it.

I do tell my girls every night when I put them to bed that I love them, their daddy loves them and that God, who is in heaven and in their hearts loves them. Those are the last words I tell them every single night.

I don't want them to grow up thinking that our S or eventual D is their fault or that their parents don't love them.

Hang in there!

[BFloat]

here is the note my gf sent me. although it was written to me.. i feel that it could have been written to so many of us. my hope is that it gives inspiration to even just one person.. can you see yourself anywhere in here??



even if you don't feel as strong as you outwardly seem, the old adage "fake it til you make it" seems beneficial right now.

i didn't say this the other night, but you were talking about your kids and how they'll do, and how worried you are. i wanted to say, i'm not worried at all about your kids. they'll be fine - better than fine - because they have you for a mom. i'm not being sentimental when i say that. it's really true.

--, you are a total warrior. you always have been. it's one of the things i enjoy most about you. those kids have a bold, gentle, loving, educated and centred momma. you are a rock-solid foundation for them, whatever life throws their way.

i know single parenting isn't what you envisioned when you decided to start a family. it's not what anyone would wish for you. but quite apart from the kids and what the kids need, my hope for you is that, after all this mess has laid itself out and been mopped up again, you can find true happiness on the other side.

i believe you will.

you may feel like a shadow, but i am telling you, the true -- i know from childhood is coming through loud and clear these days. much clearer than over the past few years.

what can i say? i'm sorry this all happened. i can't imagine how devastating it must be to be in the middle of it. you don't deserve any of it. i'm glad your sister and mom are close by.

and at the same time, i'm also glad you 're not in a marriage that dulls you, or undermines you, or saps your strength. i'm sure that you'd trade those things for a stable and complete family life. as your friend, though, for your sake, it's great to see your spark back.